Emotions after 1st birthday/starting nursery/returning to work

[_yogi_]

I just wanted to hear other people's stories and advice if they can relate.

I'm feeling a huge wave of emotions after my baby's first birthday. Has anyone else experienced this? It's brought up memories of the difficult birth and of when I became unwell shortly after the birth with postpartum psychosis (PP). I've had a really tough year mentally and feel like his first birthday was a huge and emotional milestone. It marks how much I've overcome in fighting PP, anxiety and depression, whilst at the same time learning to be a new mum. I surprised myself that I cried on his birthday as there was so much to process.

My baby has his settling in days at nursery next week and I felt anxious when they suggested we leave him and the building next week. I know he will be absolutely fine but feel a wave of emotions. I'm also starting back at work (a new job) in a few weeks. I'll have Fridays off work to spend with my little boy and I'm hoping I'm not too exhausted to enjoy those days. I'm hoping it will feel like a special day rather than how MAT leave has felt at times (monotonous!)

Has anyone else experienced a whole host of emotions around the end of MAT leave? Does anyone have any tips about how to navigate this transition?

I'm feeling very overwhelmed, anxious and low at the amount of emotions and anxious and negative thoughts I'm having. I very much want my MAT leave to end and want to go back to work, so these feelings are catching me off guard! I think being a parent, you often feel polar opposite emotions at the same time which can be difficult to deal with!

Any advice or personal stories appreciated

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hello _yogi_ and welcome to the forum,

My name’s Jenny, I’m one of APP’s peer support coordinators. I had PP after my first son was born in 2012. I’m sorry that you were hit by PP too and hope you’re doing ok.

I think what you’re describing is very normal for someone who’s experienced PP. That first year is so hard, recovering from a severe mental illness and navigating new motherhood at the same time.

I found my son’s first birthday was a real mix of emotion too, it’s a significant milestone and a time of reflection. As you say, you’ve overcome so much and you should be proud of that but the emotion of it all is bound to spill over and that’s ok.

Your baby starting nursery and you going back to work are both big steps. Any transition takes some adjustment but you’ll soon be into new routines and a next chapter. I found it helpful to go back to work and feel a bit more like ‘me’ again. My son soon settled into nursery - lots of emotions again, guilt, relief, guilt at feeling relief…! I hope it all goes smoothly for you and you have good support around you.

I wondered if you’d seen our insider guides. These are currently being updated but the recovery guide in particular might be helpful to have a look through, containing insight and tips from others who have experienced PP - app-network.org/postpartum-...

I’m sure you’ll get other replies and experiences shared with you here. I hope it helps to connect 💜

Take very good care,

Jenny x

[Maria_at_APP Moderator]

Hi _yogi_,

Congratulations on the first bday of your son. Gosh, what a milestone that is, and at the same time how fresh still is the experience of birth and postpartum psychosis.

I had pp 6 and a half years ago and I remember my first year of recovery like it was climbing a mountain. Recovering and navigating new motherhood is not small thing, it is a massive achievement. But at the same time we feel but why did I had to climb this mountain in the first place? wouldn't everything had been so much better if I did not have to overcome this trauma? I think there is a feeling of grief associated with the recovery from pp, I personally felt it, and I think it's common amongst pp mums. Mixed emotions as you say, happiness and sadness all roll into one and it is very normal for them to overflow.

The transition to nursery is always a big step, it will all go well for him, but of course as mums we feel it differently. It is completely normal for any mum to be anxious about the start of nursery. But things settle after some time. Those Fridays off are a lovely thing, hope you find plenty of activities now that the winter seems to be behind us.

Take very good care, all the best for next week

Maria

[WonderWomanUK]

Hi _yogi_ hope your son had a really lovely first birthday!

I know exactly what you mean about the birthday bringing up traumatic birth and PPP. For me I was in a psych ward without my baby for 10 days before an MBU, so that was emotional to reflect on.

Your feelings are completely valid regarding birthday, end of mat leave and nursery and honestly I think most mothers feel like that too, even those who didn’t have THE PP.

Congratulations on your new job!

The initial days at nursey are defo harder for us parents than the little ones but it does do them good!

Definitely reach out if you are feeling really low. The next few weeks will be massive for you & your family, new routines etc, give yourself a break while taking time to adjust!

All the best in your new job!

[Redtap Volunteer]

Hi Yogi,

I had PP back in 2002 and was separated from my son for 4 weeks before I got a place in an MBU so I understand the sadness at missing out on the early stages. I have very few photos of my eldest as a new/young baby. Yes the first birthday can be strange mix of sadness for what you lost and pride at having made it this far.

It's great that you're starting a new job and hopefully that will help you start to feel a bit like your old self again. Just be aware that you may be more prone to stress than before you had PP so give yourself some slack and be kind to yourself in the early days.

Being a mum these days is feeling guilty and I think this is true of all mums whether you had PP or not. Whether you work or stay at home, we are all made to feel guilty about something. Don't aim for perfection, aim for good enough.

I can remember feeling desperate to go back to work after maternity leave as the days seemed so long when they are very young. Monotonous? Yes and often quite lonely too. It will be nice to have some adult conversation and a hot cup of tea!

Good luck in your new job.