Hell

[NewMama3016]

This may be totally out of the realm of what we are supposed to talk about so if it is please feel free to delete it. Does anyone else have this sickening feeling that they are going to Hell because of the images in your head? My intrusive thoughts are pretty crusome and I feel like an absolute horrible piece of rubish because of them. Does anyone else feel this way? On the flip side does anyone believe God is helping us and knows we don't choose to have these thoughts? Maybe there is a special place in heaven for us mama's who have had to endure so much. I know we all love our children immensely and would go to the end of the world for them. Just a thought I have been pondering as of late. Wanted to know if anyone else thought about this.

[benedicte]

when i was in my psychosis i thought i was about to die and i was being tested to see whether i would go to hell or heaven and i thought and questioned people a lot about their belief system. i wasn't religious before i had PP and now that I am recovered i don't believe in Hell, God etc Such thoughts were very much part of my psychosis. but you presumably believed in hell and god before you PP? so i am not able to respond to your question. hopefully someone else on this forum with a faith can share their thoughts.

do you have health professionals you can you to speak to about these thoughts and feelings you have?

best wishes

[HelenMW Volunteer]

Hello there and thank you posting so honestly. I think we can share any of our PP experiences on this site because the experience was real to us at the time regardless of how we look back on it. In my psychosis there were moments when I could only think I was in hell. It seemed dark and red and smelled horrible! other times I was sure I was in a waiting place where my destination was to be decided upon! I was not a believer of any sort at the time but certainly on good days I thought of heaven and on bad days I thought of hell. I thought Armageddon was coming, I thought I was Mary it was a most 'religious' time. Having survived the PP episode I did go on to become a Christian 7 years later. I wondered why as a non believer so much of my PP was about Heaven, Hell, Jesus, God and the devil. I have posted before on here under the heading Religious Ideas and Delusions of Grandeur! Yes I do believe God is helping us and I think if you feel the way you are and have asked such an honest question then maybe it might be a good idea to pursue those thoughts and connect with someone who might be able to help you. If I can be of any help then please ask.

Kind regards, Helen

[12MaNooo]

For me I'm muslim and religious before the psychosis and many death and afterlife thoughts was with me in my psychosis for example I thought that my dead husband brother will be alive, and other dead relatives. I thought my uncle is slayer and he will take me to death, but what I think helped me when at really difficult time is remembering that god is there for me, so many wierd thoughts as how to save all humanity ..

[Jenskygazer Volunteer]

Hi NewMama3016

I've really been wanting to respond and have been thinking about your post. I too had thoughts about hell during my PPP episode.

I had four episodes of psychosis in the 10 years before my partner and I decided to have a baby. And during these I had religious thoughts, and I think particularly in the first one, I thought I saw Jesus and I thought I was enacting being Mary - or being Mary, I wasn't sure which. The first time I had these thoughts, during the first episode I had in 2003 they were, looking back on it, quite benign. Delusions of grandeur and hallucinatory, definitely, but thinking I saw Jesus felt protective. But after that episode, for years later, I looked back on it and wondered why I'd had those thoughts. I was not religious at the time and I heard that others who'd had psychosis also had religious thoughts (someone told me they'd once thought they were Jesus during an episode) and I wondered what it was about psychosis that made us think this way. I hope you don't mind me sharing this, but I wanted to answer you directly. When I had the episode of PPP, which came in 2014 when my daughter was 9 months, I had religious thoughts again but they were nightmarish. I had weird intrusive thoughts, and was terrified that my daughter would know what I was thinking through telepathically being able to read my thoughts. I wasn't in a Mother and Baby Unit but was, instead, in a Mental Health Unit adjoined to our local hospital, when I tried to talk to the staff about what I'd been thinking afterwards I found it incredibly difficult. I say all this as I think that somehow, and for some reason, having the type of thoughts you describe is very particular to psychosis and even more than that seems to get particularly vivid and nightmarish in episodes of PPP. And the problem with PPP, I found any way, is that it feels so very real. After my first psychotic episode, about a year later, I started going to Quaker Meetings, but I still didn't really think of myself as being religious. But after the PPP episode I started going back to Quakers and I do now think of myself as Christian. And I have really found that thinking of light, thinking of the light breaking through the dark has really really helped me, which is a similar way of echoing what you say about God helping. I'm not sure how long ago you had the PPP episode? Is there anyone you can talk to about it, and about your thoughts and feelings since? Would it help to speak to a doctor and see if you could access support? I really hope you don't mind me writing the above, but I really wanted to reply to your post, everyone's experiences of PPP are so personal and individual. I also wanted to say it really will get better. Sending every best wish to you xx

[NewMama3016 in reply to Jenskygazer]

Hi Jenskygazer

My PP was about 6-7 months ago following the birth of my son. It started out with me on top of the world. I thought everything I ever wanted had come true. It took us 8 years to get pregnant and even then we used invtroferilization. All I ever wanted to be was a mom and I had finally got it. I tried to be super mom right away and pretty much stopped sleeping. I could only sleep when my son was near me and it was only for a couple of hours but it was very restless sleep. After about two weeks of little to no sleep I snapped. I got extremely irritable, delusional, and thought about suicide. We took my son out of the picture once we figured out something was seriously wrong. He went and stayed with family. After that it took a good week or so for me to be diagnosed with PP from my family doctor. During the worst of it I thought I had died and I had to prove to God that I was good enough to go to heaven. I even had a short time where I thought I went to hell and had to claw my way out. The images that went through my mind would have sacred the crap out of anyone. I finally went to a psych ward and they gave me something to knock me out. Once I woke after like 12 hours of sleep I was more aware of things that were going on and I wasnt hallucinating anymore. Which I won't even get into those because that brings back way too much scary stuff. I too had thoughts of grandeur. I thought I had died went to heaven and was allowed to come back to earth to be with my family. While I was at the hospital they had a kind of church service where they mostly played hymns and didn't really talk too much. Every single song they played brought me to tears. There was one song about crawling on your knees and begging for the Lord. That's the one that hit home for me. I knew that I had to trust in God and have faith that he was helping me heal and recover. I had a roommate who was very religious and we talked a lot about how we can get better with God's help. Since then that has stuck with me. I pray every time a have a terrible thought. I beg Him to heal me and make the intrusive thoughts go away. I know that I never died and I was always alive and always one of God's children. It has taken several months for me to realize that I am a saved woman who will go to heaven when it's my time. I pray that it won't be anytime soon but whatever God has in store for me I am ready for it. The reason I started thinking about hell again is because I have been struggling with intrusive thoughts this whole time. They make me feel tainted and like a terrible person who doesn't deserve Gods love. I know in my heart that I am a good person who would never act on them. My only hope is that God will forgive me for them. I know that he sent his one and only son to pay for my sins. I just need to hold onto my faith. Thank you for your post. I do have someone to talk to. I met a new friend who is very religious and I have to take everything she says with a grain of salt because religion is about what you believe not what someone else wants you to believe. It is nice to hear from other women with PP. There are no special therapist where I am at so this always helps. I talk to my counselor about it and she helps the best she can. For now, I just have to keep fighting everyday and never give up. I want to be here for my sons life and I want to be in my right mind at all times. I do my best to live in the moment. I have been having difficulty of going over and over it in my head. I haven't figured out a way to make it stop but I have faith that I can do it. I is aff citing my sleep though.Sorry this was so long but it felt amazing to get it all out.

[Jenskygazer Volunteer]

Hi there NewMama3016

It sounds really good that you have a counsellor, and I know I've really found the forum helps. Please know it really will get better, it does take time but you really will get fully to where you want to be. Have you looked at the APP webpages? There are guides that might be helpful, I know I felt really relieved when I looked at some of the APP guides because they echoed things I'd been through. They're here: app-network.org/what-is-pp/...

PPP is so hard and it sounds like you're doing amazingly. I know when I was trying to figure out a way of making difficult or intrusive thoughts stop it was so hard. Is it maybe something you could speak to your counsellor about and maybe see if there are strategies you could think of together?

I too really found it so difficult going over it and over it again in my head. Again, hopefully it's something that maybe your counsellor can help with. And hopefully being on the forum may help with this too as I found different people's experiences helped me somehow to kind of absorb mine over time. It sounds like your a really amazing Mum - please take care, sending all good thoughts to you

xx

[Ruth-3_4]

Hi newmama3016. I believe in God just as you do. I am saved as you are. Just wanted to make a suggestion on how to deal with the intrusive thoughts. I get voices in my head and have had images and when I have had these, I pray and ask God to take them away and I take each thought captive in the name of Jesus, amen. God has always taken the thoughts, voices and images away. He has never let me down. God will look after you, he loves you! You are his daughter and he knows exactly what you are going through and he knows that those things going through your mind are not of you. You have been forgiven. It is not what you do but who you are in Jesus. Jesus died on a cross for your sins so that you may have eternal life and go to heaven. You are a princess of royal birth and need not have any fear of anything especially not hell. Just hang onto the fact that God loves you and he will see you through this time. You will come out stronger for it and will have compassion for those who are in the same situation as you, as you will understand what they are going through. Heaven and hell are very real places. I have listened to peoples experiences of these places. Look up Ian McCormack on google and read his story. Was stung by a box jellyfish, went to heaven and met Jesus. His story is amazing! It has now been made into a movie. I have met him a couple of times. Reading his story might help you with understanding heaven and hell. I personally have heard angels sing in church and many other people heard them at the same time too. I have also seen demons (not wanting to scare you). I am not afraid of them. God reminded me once that He (God/Holy spirit) that is in you is greater than He (Satan/demons) that is in the world. Not wanting to preach at you. Just wanted to share my experiences with you. I have been asking God of late, how much of pp is hallucinations and how much of it is real? Knowing that I have seen and heard angels/ demons and they were seen/ heard by other people too, this does leave me wondering. I don't want to scare anyone, just a thought. Another thought, why are all the religious thoughts/ hallucinations about Jesus, God, the devil, heaven and hell? It doesn't seem to be about any other religion or is it? There must be something to this, surely?

Hope I haven't offended anyone, it's not intended and hope I have helped in some way. I like you newmama3016 have been questioning things and have only just plucked up the courage to write it on here. Sorry this is long...