Thinking of the past

[betty2014]

I can't get it out of my mind what happened at the birth of my son 16 months ago. I had a retained planeta and he had low blood sugar level, low temperature and jandice. I keep on wishing I could do it all again and feel sad when I see someone pregnant as I know I will never be pregnant again. I have had cbt with helped for about a week but then the thoughts kept on coming back. Does anyone else feel like this?

[bravesurvivor411]

Its been 11 months today since my son was born. I had pp 2 wks after. I have been through many stages of recovery. Many of the months I was numb from the meds. But I have been through feelings of regret that I had my son, not wanting to be near him and now recently wanting others to suffer the way I did. I know that is not healthy so im working on it with my therapist. The biggest trauma I face was definitely the hospital and the delusions that I had during my episode. I think of random snippets of those memories daily.

I have done a lot of work to continue to recover and the most helpful is definitely cbt with my therapist. She is awesome. I Have been seeing her since june. I try to see her every 2 wks. During the really hard times it was once a week. She works with postpartum mood disorders and ptsd. She was the third therapist I saw.The first two were ok but Iwas getting nothing out of our sessions.

I encourage you to keep pushing for your wellness with a therapist (maybe a new ine). Im not there yet but I know im on my way.

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi betty2014,

Thanks for sharing your experiences, I was sorry to hear you had a horrible birth experience. I did too - emergency C-section, very traumatic, way too early discharge home, then my son lost a lot of weight, so further hospital admissions... and then the PP was starting to take hold for me and it all becomes a bit of a blur to be honest, until I "came to" a few weeks later. This was in 2009 and I have since recovered and although it sounds like such a cliché, the passing time has made it easier. In recovery terms, you are still perhaps quite early on in the process and when I look back to when my son was 16 months I had all the thoughts and jealousies of other friends pregnancies and their newborn babies, things at that time I didn't have. I was also (looking back) struggling to hold down a job through a haze of medication and whilst I had great support from a community nurse, no formal CBT or counselling, which perhaps could have helped me. Like has been suggested, I wonder if sticking with the CBT will help you?

I hope it doesn't sound patronising when I talk about the time passing, but I know that personally it has given me some perspective on the whole horrible time of my illness and how I felt I'd missed out on my son, and it was somehow my fault. At the end of the day, he doesn't remember it at all and is a very happy and well-adjusted 5 year old. You are not to blame for any of this, either the PP or your baby's health problems, or how your delivery went. The media and society in general is full of the joys of how wonderful giving birth is (and when you hear someone had a less than perfect time, it was still somehow joyous!) - but the reality is very different for a lot of women. I know it's helped me to think in terms of "I can't change the past, but I can look to the future" and know that as well as the awful things which are, thankfully, behind me, there are great memories there too and some wonderful ones to come I'm sure, as there will be for you. Take care, xx

[Jenny_at_APP Partner]

Hi betty2014,

I think it's very natural to feel this way. On top of a traumatic birth, you've been through the trauma of PP. That's a lot to process and come to terms with, and will take time.

I also think it sounds like some more CBT or counselling may be worth trying. I never had any counselling (I suffered PP in 2012) but have always found talking about it helps. I've found it helpful to write things down too though haven't done anything recently as I am finding as time passes I do think about things less.

It is only natural to feel sadness and resentment but I hope you can find some peace and a way to move forwards. I'm sure it will get easier in time. Sending you very best wishes.

[andrea_at_app Volunteer]

Hi bravesurvivor411, as the others say, after an incredibly difficult time it's very normal to feel that way. I know what you mean when you say how painful it is seeing pregnant women, it stings but it does ease with time. It does take time to piece everything that happened together & come to terms with it all. I had to be gentle with myself, allow myself all the thinking time I needed & yet focus on the good, coming through it with a beautiful little boy. I made sure we did lots of special family things together to make up for the lost time - simple things that others probably take for granted like, picnics, trips to the park together etc. that I could focus on & make new happy memories.

I also found understanding more about PP helped (APP website app-network.org/). I realised it wasn't my fault & it didn't happen because of anything I did/didn't do, genetics & biology were involved - this helped with the guilt. I also had CBT & found that helpful too. Talking to others who've been there & understand what you've been through is really helpful too - so you're doing great by being on here. This forum wasn't around when I was ill so I found it really helpful meeting other PP mums face to face - maybe this is something you'd like to do in the future & go to one of APP's events where women/families meet up?

You're doing really well. It does get easier, just give yourself time & you'll get there!