I'm not sure any more

[tinks2003]

Today I went for my appointment with the mental health team and I just feel it was a complete waste of time. She sat and spoke to me for about 30 minutes and just kept saying I need time. The whole idea of the appointment was that my husband's passing was extremely traumatic and that was why I was referred, to help me deal with it. I do have an appointment in two weeks but am not sure now whether to go. I got the usual, eat properly, don't drink, get out etc.

I don't really know what I expect from anyone any more. Nobody can bring him back but I just can't deal with the pain that I feel, it's constant. My husband was really frightened those last few weeks and I cannot get that image out of my head. I feel angry and let down by the hospital but there is a part of myself that is angry because I didn't stay on Christmas Eve, just to be there with him so he didn't spend the night on his own worrying.I have to follow my complaint through with the hospital, but if I'm honest it's the only thing keeping me going.

Yesterday I went to the Eye Hospital as I had been referred for a cattaract - I did nothing but cry solidly all the time I was there, to the point that they moved me to a small room on my own. I cannot cope being around people, I'm the same if I'm in the doctor's surgery for more than 10 minutes, I just completely fall to pieces.

I do everything that everyone tells me to do, I keep the appointments but I know the only one who could get me out of this is my husband,. I can't do this on my own.I

[BriarRose]

Hi tinks

sorry you found the Mental health team unhelpful Found this on Cruse site - you might find it helpful to look at. Go to:-

crusebereavementcare.org.uk...

Big hugs

Rose

xxxxxxxx

[Pickle165 in reply to BriarRose]

cruse beraevement came to our housse after my dad died, they where lovely people. x

[Pickle165]

hi tinks, reading your blog reminds me of my own families experience of my dads dealth. he was overdosed by mistake at our local hospital and it really did distroymy myself, my mum and my siblings. we had ahuge legal investigation with them but wat it boiled down to in there eyes was that he was 66 and had no underage dependants so basically in there eyes he wasnt worth anything. i still now get the shivers when i go in that hospital and ive had to go there recently in the day unit which was the first time in a long time that i allowed anybody in that place to care for me. my mum had councelling for a short while after my dad was gone but said the same as you that it just didnt seem to make any difference and it was not going to bring him back. our gp told us that the only healer was time and that the heartache would get less over time but would never really go away commpletely just that acceptance would come over time. i understand what he was saying, its been eight years since my dad died although i call it murdered, and it still haunts us.

but i know deep down my dad would want us to carry on and that we would all see each other again one day. he would not want us missing life and i truley beleive he watches over us, i often talk to his picture, sometimes i laugh and sometimes i cry and i know hes out there somewhere and so is your husband watching you. i get the impression this is more recent for you and so i would deffinately recommend you take some meds to help you out. it does get easier over time believe it or not. do you have any children/family close to you? try and force yourself to go to the therapy evan if its just t get you out the house......and one last thing....promise you will stay intouch with me and let me know how you are getting on? thinking of you and so so so sorry for your loss. thinking of you tinks2003.xxxxxxx

[tinks2003]

My loss was Christmas Day. I am 54 and my husband was 55. I am receiving bereavement counselling via the local hospice so Cruse are unable to help at present.

I am on medication but nothing helps - apart from the dreaded drink which numbs me for a short while but then obviously that makes you worse the next day.

I have step children - all grown up, and step grandchildren but they are not local. My family are just a waste of time, so I have now even got to the point where on the hospital form I have had to put I have no next of kin because I really feel that I haven't.

My brother-in-law was going to go to the hospital with me yesterday but I knew he would let me down. They all say they will phone and don't. They all ask why I'm crying! They have all moved on because they have their own lives. My life was my husband, unless we were working or he was at TA we were together. Although I am still employed I doubt whether I shall be returning to my job .

I am just so lost. I don't want to be here.

[Pickle165 in reply to tinks2003]

you sound so much like the way my mum felt. i did not realise that is was so very recent. its all so raw at the moment no wonder you cant think stright. if there is no family around then do try and stick with the help that is offered to you, dont leave yourself in it alone. my mum had prozac and is still on it today just not as high a dose, i think with out drugs she would not be here today. please see your gp and tell them exactly how you feel, tell you you dont want to be here, if they are a good gp they will provide you wilth as much help as possible but unfortunatly on time will help. really thinking of you today. if you ever need to talk..........x

[bonkerswoman]

Hello love, I am not in your position, but it is one that I dread. Without my husband, I know it would be dreadful.

[bonkerswoman]

That went too soon! Don't know what I pressed wrong?? To continue - I regret that I wasn't with my mother when she died on Christmas Eve 2 years ago. It was the first Christmas I had been selfish and went away for a few days to husband's relatives. She had been terrified of dying and I had promised to be with her. The awful thing was that I was on the motorway 10 minutes from her care home when they were phoning my home to tell me to come. They omitted to use my mobile, the number was on the contact sheet but they just didn't and can't explain why. I didn't know she had died until I got back 3 days later. My sister was in Switzerland and they didn't call her mobile either. So - guilt,guilt,guilt!

I went behind the ambulance with my dad, who was the apple of my eye!, to hospital when he had a heart attack, and he died as soon as he arrived there. The local heart unit had closed down (cuts) so he had to be taken further away. He would have lived longer if he had been in hospital sooner. Did I call 999 soon enough? more guilt.

I have a son with 2 life-threatening illnesses and Aspergers Syndrome. I was told I couldn't have children (I was pregnant at the time) and was given tablets to control some bleeding which would have seriously damaged the baby if it had lived, but I lost it. I had my son a year or so later. I wonder if I should have tried again. more guilt.

I am not meaning to unload on you, but this is the nearest I can get to understanding your pain. Some dreadful mistakes are made in life and it is horrible to have to bear them. I still carry a niggly, bitter little bag around with me, but I find that I can put it down for longer periods now. I do think that the pain recedes with time and that other loves can be found in life. I don't mean another partner, but other people who can empathise. Sometimes it takes a while for them to come along, but they are out there. If your Hospice is anything like our local one, then I should think they will help you a lot, given time. If not, try Cruise.

I will think of you and send you love and pray that you find you can carry on with new hope one day. It is possible. I have seen it. And I do believe that you will see your husband again. I had an experience which convinced me of this. I also have a friend who knows. He most likely sees your pain and will have totally forgiven the fact that you weren't there on Christmas Eve. You had been there in his life, and that's what matters.xxxxxx