Having a challenging time

Dear All,

My father has always, as far as i can remember, had temper tantrams. He starts talking about something at the dining table and then starts to raise his voice more and more until he appears to be angry. I feel like something he uses to get rid of his anger, maybe a punchbag for example. I feel bruised and shaky.

I have councelling and am on meds.

lots of love,

Marcus

20 Replies

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  • Hi Marcus been a lot time for me adding a comment to your blog (very sorry about that)

    First thing i have to say is no one deserves to feel like a punchbag mentally or in any way.

    You seem like a very smart and strong person! and you will use all your

    pain to your advantage as you get stronger, i know this seem a silly thing to say but you will get stronger knowing that you will never let this happen again and that you would never do this to anyone.

    We all suffer in some way in life from the big things to the small things, we don't know it but over time we start to take bits out of theses experiences and build a shield that we carry around for life!

    This "shield" is what makes us stronger over time.

    Keep making it stronger!

    you will beat all of this,we get one go at life let us not allow others to make our paths.

    Trip

    x

  • Dear Trip,

    No problem at all. I have not responded to your blog either and i am sorry. It is amazing to read that you cried and felt so much better. It is lovely and i wish you well. I am sorry that you have been through very difficult times with your mother and your wife and children.

    Thank you for your kind words. I feel a sense of understanding or something like that.

    I know what you mean about the shield. I am starting to find out what is underneath the shield and it is that that makes me realise I need to change. I have an amazing councellor,a good and kind GP and good meds and a great website at anxiety uk.

    I wish you well.

    Kindest regards,

    Marcus

  • Marcus hun

    Sorry your Dad makes you feel that way , I have a Dad the same , it doesnt matter where it is , if we are having a meal or he visits , as I dont live at home , he is like hitler & makes you jump when he speaks & I no what you mean about making you feel on edge ..I am lucky as I am not at home & can choose how much to see him (which isnt often ) I dont no if its their anger or they need that power to show them who is in charge , not sure why they are like it

    You are not on your own with this & I do no it makes your anxiety worse , as it does me ...try to ignore him the best you can , where ever possible dont join in the conversation & get away from the dinner table as soon as you can if that is where he seems to have this attitude , remember he perhapes doesnt even no he is doing it , but I no its difficult when you are sensitive , like we are

    Could you have a word with your Mum & let her no how your Dad makes you feel , she may be able to talk to him & he may try harder in future

    You are doing so well my love

    whywhy

    xxx

  • Dear Whywhy,

    I am sorry to read that you are struggling(if that is the right word), or having a difficult time or tough time with your father.

    Thank you for your kind words and advice.

    I have started to tell or show my father how i feel, following councelling and there is now a slight awareness possibly by him or for me on how to approach his behaviour and how I feel, or something like that. I feel a little bit asif there might be something there to work with or something like that in the future.

    I wish you well.

    Lots of love,

    Marcus

  • Thats good to hear Marcus , I hope in the future your realationship will improve with him , meanwhile , we are here if you need us my love

    whywhy

    xxx

  • Dear Whwhy,

    Thank you very much. I am here for you also.

    Lots of love,

    Marcus

  • Dear Marcus

    My father was a domestic bully, he dominated the whole house/family with his bad-temper. Looking back, I think he probably suffered from depression, although in those days it wouldn't have been diagnosed.

    My own feeling - and I do't know if this is right for you at the moment - is that bullies always need to be stood up to. My mother didn't stand up to him - except occasionally to protect us kids - so he "got away" with it for decades.

    Could you just say something like "No-one's arguing with you, Dad!" or "Could we have a meal in peace, this isn't good for anyone's digestion!"

    Alternatively, just say "If you'll excuse me, I think I'll take my meal into my room!" - and leave the table! You can't harangue someone if they're not there!

    Just a few thoughts, hun, don't know if they're any help at all.

    hang in there!!!

    Love

    Rose

    xxxx

  • Your dad sounds like mine , & relate now & again Mum would speak up , but only to stick up for us , rest of the time bless her she said nothing , just to keep the peace

    xxxxxxxxxx

  • Dear Rose,

    I am sorry to read that you went through difficult or tough or bad times at home through domestic bullying by your father.

    Thank you for your advice and suggestions and thoughts. They are helpfull.

    I feel i need more work to get in touch with exactly how i feel through councelling.

    Lots of love,

    Marcus

  • Dear Rose,

    I would just like to come back to what you wrote about your own feelings about bullies, and that they always need to be stood up to, and that you don't know if this is right for me at the moment. I do feel as if the words or your feelings are a little bit awkward for me or hesitant or a bit of a struggle(for lack of an exact description of my feelings) for me.

    Lots of Love,

    Marcus

  • Marcus, hun, it's only my opinion, and I'm talking about a long ago situation - my dad died over 30 years ago, so it's very different to being in the situation right now. If what I've said doesn't help or fit your situation at the moment, then, that's fine, it was only a suggestion(s).

    You might however like to look at some stuff on assertiveness, like this:-

    heron.nhs.uk/heron/informat...

    But only if it helps. If anything I've said has hurt or confused you in any way, I apologise deeply - that was absolutely not my intention! :(

    good luck

    Love

    Rose

    xxxx

  • Dear Rose,

    I was just about to write to you saying, I am sorry, I feel like I have pushed you away a little bit or something like that.

    I appreciate your views or feelings about bullies. The assertiveness link is so good. Thank you.

    No problem at all. I feel as though I am just starting to get in touch with my feelings. I must admit I know little about bullying, just what I have read on the internet.

    I believe I now understand what you were saying in your reply when you wrote ' I don't know if this is right for you at this moment' meaning possibly 'I don't know if this applies to your situation' I am sorry if I misunderstood.

    If I have written things that were tough or direct then I am very sorry.

    You are a good person.

    lots of love,

    Marcus

  • No probs, hun, it's sometimes very difficult to put feelings into words - absolutely no offence/hurt taken! You take care, and good luck!

    (( :) ))

    Rose

  • Dear Rose,

    Thank you and i wish you good luck also. You are a sweetheart.

    Lots of love,

    Marcus

  • ah marcus i can say that i have never experienced this when my dad was alive he was one of the most important people in my life and i think my anxiety and depression is due to missing him so much rose has given some great advise but have you ever really tried to have a 1 to 1 with your dad is he a bully or do you think he has issues he has that he bottles up and takes it out on his nearest and dearest maybe this can be resolved the older ones tend not to show or discuss there feelings or problems maybe he does need help maybe he will never change which ever way you try to face this we are here for you just think before doing anything hasty we only have one dad and maybe i could and should have told mine how much i loved him and how he meant the world to me i have learnt by this and me and my kids say it night and day you never stop loving them even when times are tough xxxx

  • Dear Sheffieldwed,

    Thank you for your words, they are very helpfull. I have never(a short one to one only) really had a one to one with him although I have once or twice shown him how i feel, through body language. Through councelling I have learnt that he has anger issues.

    Thank you for your supporting words.

    I am sorry to read about your difficulties(for lack of a better words) to do with your father, not telling(should or could) him how much you loved him and that he meant the world to you. Perhaps it helps you if I say to you that words are 7% of communication.

    Kindest regards,

    Marcus

  • ah thanks for yours marcus i only wish i could do more for you but man to man it is harder i think to express each others feelings dont give up on him maybe you both ought to attend councelling with some help from someone looking inwards like i say its not always easy but he is your dad and not everything is bad about him try to see some good in him his anger is an issue but its his way of getting his feelings or stress out he needs help to express in a diff way hard for him i suppose maybe have a night just with your dad or do something you both like it may start feelings flowing i would give the world just to talk hold and give my dad a big kiss and say i love you i really would try to use the timd to get back on track if i had a magic wand i would use it to help all you lovely people and make things right take care and let me know you have been here for me we all here for you xxxx

  • Dear Sheffieldwed,

    Thank you for your words and idea's. They are really great.

    I wish you well. I hope that you find a way to express how you feel with regards to your father.

    Thank you very much.

    Kindest regards,

    Marcus

  • You are so welcome love hope it gives you some comfort knowing we are thinking of you and thankyou for your help when i am down we here for you remember this xxx

  • Dad's eh!! My mum recently told me that she wanted to take me to 'see someone' when I was quite young but my dad said we didn't have mad people in our family. My dad's a wonderful guy who is warm and loving but I wonder what would have been different but for this old fashioned view. Bullies are insecure and need to deal with their own issues. Take care. X

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