My old blogs

[Cleaner]

I have just looked though some of my blogs & I can't believe that I still feel so depressed & my anxiety is still the same. Life goes on struggling to keep my self from wanting to take my life there seams no way out of this no matter how I try to distract , that little thing in my head won't switch of again. I saw my GP yesterday & told him this next thing I no the mentle health team are at my door to try and keep me safe. So here I am on that vishsus circul again. I don't think it will ever stop untill I'm mot here.

[fadedlizard]

Oh darling, it's so hard. Sometimes this thing seems to drag on for so long and we just cannot see a way through it. There are so many days when it takes all our energy just to keep breathing.

How long have you felt like this? I know you have been posting for seven months but appreciate you might have been suffering for a lot longer than that. Is this your first episode? Lots of questions but no need to answer them. I'm thinking aloud. I have had anxiety and depression for closer to thirty years than I'd like to think about but it is usually chronic not acute. It peaks and troughs. I have been suicidal, I have come close to following it through but I have also had periods without it. Is this simular to your experience or have you been in the acute phase the whole time?

I appreciate it is the Crisis Teams job to keep you alive and I'm very glad you have them but are you seeing anyone else for this? Has someone suggested a route to recovery? If the answer to this is no, please try to take heart, Cleaner, most of these problems peak and trough and in my experience it will ease off by itself given enough time. However it will ease off a lot sooner with the the right treatment.

I'm wafffling a bit so I realize none of this may be helpful but please do not feel as though you are going through this alone.

Be safe,

Love,

Lizard.xxx

[Cleaner in reply to fadedlizard]

Hi Lizard. Thankyou for you reply in answer to your questions, no this isn't my first episode I had a realy bad one just before Xmas. It seams that as I'm getting older they are getting more urgent than they used to be. Iv been depressed on and of since I was 12 now I'm 51 I just can't cope any more with these constant thoughts. Iv had so much help I'm all helped out.

[Hidden]

No cleaner , we cant give in I no how you feel I have been suffering with anxiety from a child & now 50 , but we will get there with this , I no it seems impossible at times , but its not , dont give yourself a hard time about how you feel , you are not alone

Keep posting

Thinking about you

Love

whywhy

xxx

[fadedlizard]

No you are not beyond help, love.

You know yourself that it goes away, The trouble is you also know it comes back and that fuels the negative thoughts.

I first got ill when I was 12 and it rolled on and on till I was in my late teens and having one of the worst experiences of my life. Nightmares, panic attacks, constant dread and then it went away. Yes, I was bulimic and had some social and health anxiety but compared with what I'd had it gone away. I was blind sided five years later when it came back!!! That episode took four years to pass although it wasn't acute for all that time and it left more bits of itself hanging around. My latest episode turned up overnight in February 2011. An unexpected (although not unexplainable) manic episode followed by an attempt to serious injure myself. It was over and gone in a weekend but the door was open and a lot of other things ran in. Suicidal ideation, random dark thoughts and impulses, nightmares, dread, feeling like I can't go on. The thoughts go on and on. They are still with me now. Some days stronger than others.

Why am I telling you all this? Because in among the darkness is a recurring bright thought - I can survive this and if I can so can you. Since I joined this site I have begun to see that these thoughts are not part of my true self they are part of the illness. They are just thoughts and as such they cannot harm me. It is what I do in response to these thoughts that harms me.

I do not say any of this lightly, Cleaner. I know how strong the impulses can be and I know how great the desire to give up is. I know how tired you get especially when you look back and see how long this has been part of our lives. I have a history of self harm and I am well aware I walk a razor and could fall at any time. But I still believe there is a way through this. That it is possible to survive.

Don't give up.

Keep posting. Keep talking it through. Let us walk with you.xxx