When your home is your safehouse but also your prison

Everything has changed so fast,my children have grown and left home,it feels liked i blinked an the future was here,i wanted time to stay still,the german shepherd is 9yr old bless her getting old and her back legs are weak ,i bought her at 8weeks old an she was the reason i was able to leave the house alone and go for short walks with my dog,i too devoted my life to being a single mum bringing up the children the best i could for 18yr..... need to move but my panic attacks are stopping that and starting to control my life again,its like you want to move on but your stuck in the past,its like your feet are cemented to the floor and you dont know if moving forward would make you or break you,lately my mind is filled with thoughts of death,like my times up surely at nearly 55 thats wrong,so nervus about the housing benefit changes,must down size i'm told!!! even thou sons are away at uni and come home for the uni holidays and sometimes weekends, this home of 16years is no longer,i have pulled out of an exchange because i panic'd like a crazy women,i need to move on from this house full of good and bad memories,, my safe place now my prison xx

14 Replies

oldestnewest
  • hi midlandmay, completely understand what your talking about, that's how I started going out again by walking my dog with a neighbour and his dog every day. I'm having a good phase at the moment thats why I have got around to joining this site this week.

    I too feel that i'm coming to the end of my life, i feel so old even though everyone says 50 is the new fourty these days. Sorry to hear your predicament with (call me dave) 's benefit changes I think its disgraceful that people are being pressured (practically forced) to move from their homes!

    I will be in the same predicament soon as my 18 year old will prob be moving sooner or later in fact I feel trapped as she is very abusive and disrespectful and I should really ask her to leave but these benefit changes make it even harder because if i ask her to leave then i'l be in the position of having to move so i feel trapped by her abusive behaviour as well as worrying about her and where she will go.

    I'm hoping that I can hang on long enough for a new gov to get in and all the changes to be reversed - don't know if that's optimism or denial! also I met a solicitor when walking my dog and he says that there will be a scheme or something , cant remember exactly to give people extra time i'm sure he said about a year to be able to sort it out and not have to pay the extra if on housing benefit - hope that may make you feel less worried about it.

    I fantasise that i will start taking in dogs when people go on holiday and don't want to put them in sterile atmosphere of kennels but rather in someones home, i've seen this sort of business advertised in the vets its cheaper and nicer than kennels and people charge on average £17 per dog so would only have to do 1 dod a week and that would cover shortfall in housing benefit a week. Good idea eh thats my a.d.h.d kicking in as i expect the practicalities wouldn't be so easy - especially the having to go out and walk them when i'm in a bad stage.

    hope you feel bit better by the time youve read this, love and strentgh to you

    janev x

  • O Ladies

    Alot of us on here at the moment with simular worries

    I have a tiny box room they class as a bedroom , you can only get a single bed in there at a push , but even so as there is me & hubby & son its still classed as an extra room !

    This is my home , you cant swing a cat in it to be honest when all 3 of us are in , so how we would go on if we down sized i really dont no

    As well I feel secure here , I no my neighbours , i keep myself to myself & they seem to leave me alone & to be honest that is the way I like it !

    The thoughts of moving when I have spent years making this my home really freaks me out !

    Along with this Atos assesment that i am going through , you feel you are been stripped of everything & I have to agree its a disgrace & I do hope we can hang on till some one realises this is not fair !!!!

    Its all playing on my mind , sometimes when you feel like doing something to your house you wonder how long will it be mine , you feel your security has gone , when you most need it

    But ...having made myself so ill , I am starting to feel the "fight" in me & I would & will put up one if they try & take my home from me just because of a "box room " they choose to class as a bedroom !

    But I am living in the day at the moment as I was starting to go crazy letting it all get on top of me & a day at a time we will all get through this (even though I no we may not feel it at times , but we will )

    I have to say though if my 18 year old was been abbusive to me , I wouldnt let that be the reason , the fear of loosing my home to let them stop

    I would have to ask myself which is worse , keeping my home or having an abbusive child everyday , I think I would cope better with moving than the feeling of dealing with the abbuse !

    We may have to make changes , even though its wrong , but I wont go down without a fight , & hope you can find the strength , as well !

    Try to stay in the day , get support with the anxiety etc & the rest may feel more managable when & if it happens

    People on here are having to go through the same thing & we will support each other as we do & will get through this , blog how you go on , to get advise & also help others that will or have to go through this ridiculous system !!!

    Good luck

    whywhy xxx

  • hello midlandlady, firstly your dog is lovely, i used to always have that breed but we moved and i downsized to a chihuahua! cos thats all i had room for:) its awful when they get old, my dog died in october last year and i was devastated but went and got another from the same family line and she has helped me a great amount. i am agoraphobic and have been for about two years now which came from having anxiety and panic attacks, i put me right off going out alone and now i just dont go out alone. some times i can walk the dog up and down the street but thats few and far between. i know what you mean by your safe zone also being your prison. i feel safe here but also i just need some freedom, im my own prisoner. its a great shame we dont live near each other then we could help each other out. chat any time. xxxxxxxxx

  • I urge you all to get in touch with your MP'S , I have and she has got back to me and said she is making me a priority to be able to stay in my home. Also ring your local COUNCIL office in the morning and ask for a discretion payment form. These are not widely publicised and I have done that too. The chap I spoke to said he thinks I would almost certainly get it. It tops up your benefit for 13 weeks then you have to reapply! Silly rule but better than nothing. It is the most ridiculous tax I have yet to come across and sneaky too. Not many people are aware of it. Hopefully it will get put back Janev ( so much like my real name I keep thinking it's me lol ) and whywhy we must keep in the day as you say, but this does have to be sorted I think before I can move forward anymore :( Love and Hugs x Ella x

  • Hi ella

    Thats what I mean about fighting , I wont be giving up , i have already spoken to someone ? dont no who , but they said I may be entiled to something , I will no in April

    I feel I cant move on till all this mess is sorted , but when i say keep in the day , i mean do what you can , but dont let the mind go any futhur otherwise if I do , I have my self sat on the street lol (if you no what i am saying )

    Tommorrow , I am going to have to face another massive fear , dentist , the treatment I will need for me is horrific :-( so at the moment , taking pain killers & trying to stop in the day with it as when my mind trips in tommorrow , i can feel panic attacks coming on & I am sat in the dentist chair feeling & seeing the treatment that is to come :-(

    Cant even say it never rains but what it pours (if you no the saying ) as its snowing !

    Hugs

    whywhy xxx

  • not awake enough to chat yet. just want to do this now in case your appointment is early - all best at the dentist - hoping it wont be as bad as you expect and that you'l be pain free straight away. good luck xxxxxx

  • Thanks janev

    Had 5 hours sleep at most with this tooth :-( schools tec closed because of snow , buses stopped , dont even no if dentist will even be open yet , feel I cant satnd another day of pain , starting to struggle now , 4 days is alot & the anxiety is starting

    Will let you no

    Thanks for thinking about me though , I do appreciate it

    whywhy xxx

  • hi ella, hope this reply works as i'm doing it in the wrong order - thank you so much for the information about the discretion payments it has taken such a weight off my mind it really has and i have a friend who is just getting over cancer and another who is very ill with chrones disease and have passed the information on to them so you have given all three of us piece of mind re this problem as i have not heard anything about this payment from anywhere before.

    hope you are good today sorry for late reply have been busy de- cluttering my house - i'm such a hoarder and havn't been feeling well enough to sort things since xmas but have been feeling a lot better past few days since finding this site

    wishing you peace and strength

    janev xx

  • Hi midlandlady - i'm so sorry you're feelling so rough at the moment - this government seems to have nothing to do but attack - and i do mean attack - the most vulnerable members of the community, whilst saying THEY need a £20k pay rise - I'd like to GET £20k a year!!!!!

    DO talk to the CAB or someone, if you have a room for your sons away at university I DON'T think it counts as an extra bedroom - but do check, the CAB will be able to advise you. And take Ellabella's advice too - frankly, i don't think they're will be enough "smaller" houses/flats etc to accommodate everyone who "needs" to move, and i think the warm wet stuff will hit the cirulating object with great force in a month or two!!!

    hope this helps, lots of love

    Rose

    xxxxx

    "The only intelligent person to enter the Houses of Parliament was Mr Guy Fawkes."

  • PS My MP - who lives roughly 55 mins from Waterloo on the train - "NEEDS" a second home in London - like hell he does! :(

  • hi we havn't spoken yet, i'm new to the site - just like to say you put a huge smile on my face this morning (and i hadn't even finished my coffee) when i read your reply to midlandlady - thanks for that x - not how my day usually starts this site is amazing its helping so much

    looking forward to chatting with you in future

    love and strength

    janev xxxx

  • Good evening everyone thanks for all your helpful comments ,Rose( mr guy fawkes)still giggling,brilliant...after reading online it seems my sons bedroom will be classed as a spare room while he's away at uni,not right at all!! his bed and furniture and his belongings besides his clothes are in there,when he finishes uni he will have no where to call home if i have to downsize,,,Janev i'm sorry to hear about your daughter giving you a hard time it must make things very difficult,stay strong sweetheart xx dont let anyone take anxiety as a sign of weakness....why why good luck at the dentist xx i have an appointment the 28thjan its the 3rd time i phoned cancel'd and re-booked not looking forward to root canal treatment hope i dont freak out on the chair i hate the way your layed back so far,,also filled in and sent off my atos form,so many things to deal with all at once,i feel so alone because i cant tell family members just how bad things are,dont like being a burden on them,all the years of making excuses why i dont go out anywhere you would of thought they new,and its a good idea of taking one day at a time,i just like shutting the world out right now,hope tomorrow is a better day for everyone,,take care xx

  • Hi well you are not on your own here now

    Same cant stand how far they tip you back in the chair , have cancelled many appointment myself in the past , but now I am in pain , have to go :-(

    My atos forms have just gone in , along with waiting to hear what they are going to say about this so called 3rd bedroom (box room actually )

    Is it council , because when i got a letter from them I phoned them & told them I needed the box room , as with not been well , sometimes people stop over to help , they said they would look into it

    Take each thing as it comes , if the housing is the first on your list , make as many calls getting all the advice you can , then move down the list , as & when you have to , again getting all the advise you can

    Maybe your family members would be more understanding than you think ?

    We can get so good at making excuses that we can wonder how come they dont no , but we become good actresses with this , that people dont actually no

    My family all no , most are very good with me , its a relief they no for me , they dont always quite understand but thats ok , but its good not having to make excuses

    Let us keep knowing how it goes , I will let you no any tips etc if i come across any as we go through this system

    whywhy xxx

  • Is it worth trying to get the support of your GP or someone to say that being forced to move will have a bad effect on your anxiety? I also lived with an abusive teen... my son threatened me with a knife when he was 13 and I lived on my nerves for the next 6 years until he moved out - those years were truly dreadful. I was advised to always have my mobile phone in my pocket whenever I was on my own with him - it was a horrible way to live. At one point my phone number was registered with the Police, just in case of emergency, but I was always reluctant to ring them for help when he kicked off as I don't know where my son would have ended up if I'd done it. Having said that, my son and I have a far better relationship since he left home (3+ years ago), and while he's realised that independence isn't all he expected it to be, there is no way I'd ever have him home again, I've got used to the peace and quiet of having the place to myself - unless you count the cat ;) I do feel guilty about the way I feel, but I prefer things as they are now to the way they used to be.

You may also like...