A lightbulb moment

[Teddysmum43]

Hi there I am new here having written my first blog a few days ago. I started a counselling course in September and my anxiety levels are through the roof. This Saturday just gone I was very very upset during the course day. I hate getting like that I feel such a pain in the arse for the other students like I take up so much emotional space. Infact we had to give each other feedback on the last term I found it intensely anxiety provoking as we had to say one thing we liked about the person and also what we found difficult. One of the ladies was very honest and she said she had actually felt very resentful towards me because I get upset so much and that I remind her of my sister. I did know she felt a barrier towards me I could feel it but actually it's ok I would much rather people be honest and confirm my intuitive feelings. I actually found hearing the difficult stuff easier than hearing the good stuff.

Another thing that really helped me was my tutor saying that I must stop punishing the damaged hurt part of me. I realised that we are made up of parts and that we all have a strong part of us that can keep us safe and we need to listen to it more. On Saturday I need I suddenly got these intense feelings that I wanted to harm myself,I was initially very frightened and then I thought that something in me is keeping me safe and that felt extremely comforting and I was able to get some sleep. I had a calmer day yesterday which was great but the anxiety was back this morning as I was seeing my doctor about trying some different anxiety meds. She could only offer me diazepam as a short term solution as I am already on a cocktail of drugs to help with my fibromyalgia.

Then this morning my tutor sent me a handout on the curse of niceness. Omg it could have been talking about me! I am always trying to be mega nice(there are multiple reasons for that that I won't go into now). By being in therapy and also doing the counselling course it is pushing all my buttons hence causing me massive anxiety which is what happens apparently. In the process of change the "nice" person is having to change ingrained habits. yIKES!!!!!!! this is soooooo mega hard!!!!

[Pennylayne]

Sounds like there is such a lot going on, but goodness what a lot you are learning about yourself.

I always think that understanding yourself and some of the reasons why we do what we do is so important, it's like knowledge is power and you can build on it.

The handout about the curse of 'niceness' sounds interesting, I'm sure many can identify with that.

Yes the therapy and counselling is revealing all those layers which have been hidden for so long, no wonder it's an uncomfortable thing.

I think your blog is really encouraging although there is the additional anxiety while doing the counselling course ......it's almost like a no pain no gain experience, you are learning such a lot by taking the difficult stuff head on and dealing with it ........so well done to you.

[J-Nevil]

Definitely agree with Pennylayne. It can be a difficult process to go through the layers you didn't even know were there in counselling. But it probably is a no pain no gain experience where it will seem worthwhile in the long run. Well done on your progress.