The hands on the clock were jumping ahead, eight, and nine, and then ten o’ clock… the shakes were getting worse as each hour passed. ‘That’ clock face flash-backed at just after twelve thirty and I instantly knew what was in store for me. I checked the time – it was 11am. I can’t go through this again, do something, anything… I got to the sink just in time to be sick! My mind was in turmoil, I didn’t want to relive it. I didn’t want to feel ‘that’ excruciating pain! Block it out – block it out, my head was shouting at me and I was pleading back “How”, please tell me how?! Bridie started barking in her “Mam, you need your tablets now” way. But when I checked my ‘Write it down’ book I had had my morning doses. Bridie was being so persistent she wasn’t going to be ignored. Block it out my head was shouting… take your tablets my dog was telling me. The height of the sink was holding me up while I took deep breaths to try and come to my senses. Bridie had proved in the past that she was never wrong! Clinging onto the sink while I struggled to open the cupboard door which I was leaning against I managed to get hold of my medication box and pull it out onto the bench top. I reached for one of the nearby dirty cups and filled it with water whilst trying to work out a safe dose to ‘block it out’. Never had I been in this state before… I was thinking 20mg Diazepam should allow me to sleep through it and two Co-dydramol tablets would take the edge off the pain. I took the tablets. Bridie was licking my eye as I woke up, it was 5pm. She was due to be fed at six so I had time to make myself a cup of tea and have a cigarette while I woke up properly. Part of a ‘dream’ passed through my thoughts as I was sitting drinking my tea. It felt so strange… I knew it was part of my dreaded past but my mind/body didn’t respond! After feeding Bridie I lay on the sofa and next thing I knew it was 7.30 this morning. I was standing making my first cup of tea before I realised my body was feeling no pain. ?
p.s. Please don’t do as I did – dosage of medication should be strictly followed.
Hi Wasme, Those " write it down books" come in handy don't they? I don't know anything about PTSD but if you write a little every day I promise to read it??? In fact me and many others would be gripped! You had me with that blog...... don't stop now please xxxxxxxx
Hi ellabella, thank you for your reply. I don’t often talk about what it feels like, I think that may have been a ‘one-off’. Sorry! However, see my reply to Jonathan below. Xx
Hi EasMe. Do you feel like talking about the Trauma? PTSD can be a rotten business. As you know, many returning soldiers suffer from it. It is strange that, in spite of your intense suffering you can still give good advice at the end of your blog about medication. I would say you are a sensitive and intelligent person going through a bad time. And just how bad only you can know! When I was in the middle of my GAD dreams used to knock me sideways. They seemed more real than reality until I realised that they were only dreams and could do no harm. I feel that whatever advice is given at the moment will be difficult to follow. You can only go with it at present but try to give yourself respites, if you can. As ellabella says, keep blogging. I look forward to your future blogs because there must be a lot of people out there who will identify with you and and will find your blog useful in that they will not feel alone. You are in my thoughts and I send you my sincere blessings. jonathan.
Hi WasME. Your problem is very similar to a patient I had when I was counselling. Do not write more at the moment if it makes you feel ill. But getting it all out can help. You must be the judge of that. In your case it is too easy to say get this book or that book. PTSD is not something that can be dealt with without the right sort of counselling. Have you had that? I will come back to you on this ASAP. Bless you. jonathan.
Hi WasME. Can I ask what sort of counselling you had and have you had any recently? If not recently when? PTSD is not the same as GAD, in fact it can occur without GAD although this is the usual outcome of this painful experience. Your blog shows that most of your adult life has been painful. This makes a deep impression on the mind so that most of your waking thoughts tend to revert to it. The ongoing problem with your home does not help. Violence of the sort you have been subject to usually is a 'family' thing. The more violence there is in the family the more participants seem to be close relatives who take advantage of the situation. In fact most cases of sexual and physical abuse occur within the family. It rarely sees the light of day because those affected are afraid to talk about it for fear of reprisals. Sexual abuse is a good example. One person starts it then it goes on. If you have not had proper counselling recently then I would strongly suggest that you do so. It is difficult to give good advice on a site like this without personal contact. One needs to talk to you and understand your situation. I am not passing the buck. Believe me, I have heard many stories like yours which means you are far from alone. In my experience this kind of abuse seems to becoming more common. Please, in the meanwhile, take you medication and rest as much as you are able. You must be using a lot of energy at the moment. My thoughts and prayers are with you. jonathan.
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I have had no counselling for about three years now. I know there is help for soldiers with PTSD but I have no knowledge of anywhere that helps the 'ordinary' person. I can relate to most of the blogs on here as I seem to experience their feelings also. This helps as I now know that I am not alone. I was so impressed with Dr Claire Weeks Cd's that I also got her book which I am now trying to read. I think I am starting to understand why I am like this?! I came onto the computer to try and finish what I had wrote in the journal... I'm going to try to do it now. Xx
Hi WasMe. I have sent you a message on your message page. Good luck. jonathan.
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Sinking feeling
"Phantom disease" , Anxiety, PTSD 
Blood in mouth 
feel a bit violated and failing to see funny side
