The hands on the clock were jumping ahead, eight, and nine, and then ten o’ clock… the shakes were getting worse as each hour passed. ‘That’ clock face flash-backed at just after twelve thirty and I instantly knew what was in store for me. I checked the time – it was 11am. I can’t go through this again, do something, anything… I got to the sink just in time to be sick! My mind was in turmoil, I didn’t want to relive it. I didn’t want to feel ‘that’ excruciating pain! Block it out – block it out, my head was shouting at me and I was pleading back “How”, please tell me how?! Bridie started barking in her “Mam, you need your tablets now” way. But when I checked my ‘Write it down’ book I had had my morning doses. Bridie was being so persistent she wasn’t going to be ignored. Block it out my head was shouting… take your tablets my dog was telling me. The height of the sink was holding me up while I took deep breaths to try and come to my senses. Bridie had proved in the past that she was never wrong! Clinging onto the sink while I struggled to open the cupboard door which I was leaning against I managed to get hold of my medication box and pull it out onto the bench top. I reached for one of the nearby dirty cups and filled it with water whilst trying to work out a safe dose to ‘block it out’. Never had I been in this state before… I was thinking 20mg Diazepam should allow me to sleep through it and two Co-dydramol tablets would take the edge off the pain. I took the tablets. Bridie was licking my eye as I woke up, it was 5pm. She was due to be fed at six so I had time to make myself a cup of tea and have a cigarette while I woke up properly. Part of a ‘dream’ passed through my thoughts as I was sitting drinking my tea. It felt so strange… I knew it was part of my dreaded past but my mind/body didn’t respond! After feeding Bridie I lay on the sofa and next thing I knew it was 7.30 this morning. I was standing making my first cup of tea before I realised my body was feeling no pain. ?
p.s. Please don’t do as I did – dosage of medication should be strictly followed.