The hole deepens

Since placing my first post(question) here yesterday, I’ve been trying hard to take on board the good ideas and sensible attitudes posted widely by others. I just wish I could get it all to work?!

Last night was simply awful for me. I went to bed and then the anxiety and calamatising just went loopy. I can’t write here some of the ‘detail’ of how utterly scary my worries were, but if you've watched Crimewatch UK – you’ll know about some of the things that happen to people, and I spent hours trying to figure out how I’d protect my house and family. Veering between that and a whole host of other scenarios such as the wardrobe falling on me (even though it hasn’t moved in six years?!). I thought that maybe I should screw it to the wall, but dismissed that because then I thought it’d fall and take half the wall with it – crushing me more.

This morning I needed to take my 8 year old for physiotherapy, which being a drive away presented its usual challenges. After that, dropping him at school I was making my way into work and then my ability to function went through the floor. I just wanted to go somewhere safe and hide from disaster. I did go into the office and had what I imagine is a mild panic attack. I did not know where I was (effectively), what I was supposed to be doing, how to find out what I should be doing, or whether I should do something – anything – else.

It took me a while to settle down and deal with some ‘easy tasks’ pending a return to something resembling ‘capable’. I felt something like drunk, but not drunk. As if I could not stand up straight, that I was constantly losing my balance. Engaged on a task I was better than, say, walking to get a coffee. My mind went ‘away with the fairies’ at any chance it got. Luckily, in the afternoon I was ‘heading up’ a team of people working on something, so all I had to do was watch, listen, observe and offer the odd comment. Not very productive, but probably the best thing I could have done at the time.

Leaving work to go and collect my son from school was interesting. For some reason, there were more cars parked at the school. My immediate thought was that I’d got the wrong time/day/place (even?!) – I thought that even though I’ve been there many times (routine) that this time I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It turns out that there was no apparent reason for there being more cars there than normal, but in trying to check the time, I was unable to calculate ‘If it’s 4:47 – then how many minutes is it until ten to five’. I ended up adding and subtracting and checking/rechecking myself and getting completely frustrated as to whether I’d got it right or wrong?

I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. Something’s going to give way.

My fears this afternoon turned to ‘So, if I am having or am going to have a serious problem, then my doctor will probably say I’ve got a mental health problem, then social services will be called in and the children will be taken into care – and it’ll all be my fault – so therefore say nothing to anybody to stop a disaster occurring’. Then again – do nothing and the ship sinks?

I dare not tell my wife how deep my troubles are. I don’t want to scare her or, worse still, she contacts my doctor, and they plan something behind my back (A bit of paranoia creeping in there….).

Sorry. Needed to vent after….. today :( </rant>

4 Replies

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  • Sounds like you have had a really tough day, I can relate to your troubles mine are very similar, with OCD and worrying thoughts. My best suggestion to you is to confide in your Wife,the best thing I did was tell my husband, yes it took me a long time to do it, and I had the same worries as you.. Since telling my husband he has become my rock and has helped me seek therapy and is there when I need a shoulder, most days !!!

  • Sorry to hear you've had a horrible day. I too can relate to alot of your thoughts and feelings, its so horrible how the simplest tasks become so difficult to do when you're having an anxiety attack or an anxious day. I find that I cannot focus on anything, like I loose all sense of reality. I always feel like I'm going to make a fool of my self or do something silly. I can really relate to the drunk feeling as well. It's awful. The same as Little Miss I would say you need to confide in your wife, I'm sure she will understand and just want to be there for you x we're all here if you need to vent at any time :D x

  • My friend, you're ok. You could possibly benefit a great deal from talking with someone 1 on 1. Whilst you closest friends and family are all around you it's probably wiser to seek help from either your doc or your local MIND charity.

    Talking these things out, putting them down on paper and discussing your feelings with someone non biased and non related can be very helpful. Mad people do not know they are mad, you realise that things are getting stressful and disorganised in your mind and you've typed a very decent account of it.

    This is a very good and something you will do with a councillor and benefit from it. Don't concern yourself with shame or guilt about seeking help, the people that don't seek help when they need it are the unlucky one's.

    If you speak to your friends on the quiet and ask if they have had any problems like this you'll almost certainly be surprised to find that most of them will have done at some point. When you seek help and start to see the almost exact same problems you've listed written down on the page, you'll appreciate that you are certainly not alone in the way you're feeling. So there is always a very good chance that you can seek help and manage this situation well.

    The doc might suggest CBT councilling, it might not be for you but it's the current best thought approach. There are however many other way's to tackle it, which ever suits you. Speak to your local MIND, it will take an hour of your time and could make a massive difference in your life.

    Good luck.

  • Social services would not take your children away, I had them coming to visit me when I had my breakdown and the report they wrote was so positive. It really made me feel proud. The fear of something happening is so much worse than the things actually happening, and I used to worry about things dropping on my head all the time..what really makes me laugh is that all of us, even though are heads are filled with the biggest horrors are just plodding along, getting on with our lives, as best we can....AND NOTHING EVER HAPPENS!!!! Isn't it ironic? It's all in the head....unfortunately, the head is a tricky animal....I hate thinking of my head as the enemy, cause I want it to be a safe house...it's the only house I have....

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