Since placing my first post(question) here yesterday, I’ve been trying hard to take on board the good ideas and sensible attitudes posted widely by others. I just wish I could get it all to work?!
Last night was simply awful for me. I went to bed and then the anxiety and calamatising just went loopy. I can’t write here some of the ‘detail’ of how utterly scary my worries were, but if you've watched Crimewatch UK – you’ll know about some of the things that happen to people, and I spent hours trying to figure out how I’d protect my house and family. Veering between that and a whole host of other scenarios such as the wardrobe falling on me (even though it hasn’t moved in six years?!). I thought that maybe I should screw it to the wall, but dismissed that because then I thought it’d fall and take half the wall with it – crushing me more.
This morning I needed to take my 8 year old for physiotherapy, which being a drive away presented its usual challenges. After that, dropping him at school I was making my way into work and then my ability to function went through the floor. I just wanted to go somewhere safe and hide from disaster. I did go into the office and had what I imagine is a mild panic attack. I did not know where I was (effectively), what I was supposed to be doing, how to find out what I should be doing, or whether I should do something – anything – else.
It took me a while to settle down and deal with some ‘easy tasks’ pending a return to something resembling ‘capable’. I felt something like drunk, but not drunk. As if I could not stand up straight, that I was constantly losing my balance. Engaged on a task I was better than, say, walking to get a coffee. My mind went ‘away with the fairies’ at any chance it got. Luckily, in the afternoon I was ‘heading up’ a team of people working on something, so all I had to do was watch, listen, observe and offer the odd comment. Not very productive, but probably the best thing I could have done at the time.
Leaving work to go and collect my son from school was interesting. For some reason, there were more cars parked at the school. My immediate thought was that I’d got the wrong time/day/place (even?!) – I thought that even though I’ve been there many times (routine) that this time I was in the wrong place at the wrong time. It turns out that there was no apparent reason for there being more cars there than normal, but in trying to check the time, I was unable to calculate ‘If it’s 4:47 – then how many minutes is it until ten to five’. I ended up adding and subtracting and checking/rechecking myself and getting completely frustrated as to whether I’d got it right or wrong?
I’m not sure how much more of this I can take. Something’s going to give way.
My fears this afternoon turned to ‘So, if I am having or am going to have a serious problem, then my doctor will probably say I’ve got a mental health problem, then social services will be called in and the children will be taken into care – and it’ll all be my fault – so therefore say nothing to anybody to stop a disaster occurring’. Then again – do nothing and the ship sinks?
I dare not tell my wife how deep my troubles are. I don’t want to scare her or, worse still, she contacts my doctor, and they plan something behind my back (A bit of paranoia creeping in there….).
Sorry. Needed to vent after….. today </rant>