I’m not strong enough for life?

[BethanyF]

Hi,

I’m new here. For the last 9 years I have struggled with my anxiety. I didn’t realise it was anxiety at first. However just before Christmas I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I tried medication, I tried group therapy but it wasn’t effective for me.

I decided to try and sort my lifestyle out so that it was healthier and just force myself to act happy in hope that maybe for a minute I might feel happy. But I just feel like I can’t cope with life. I am not strong enough for the life I have been given. Feels like it’s one bad thing after the next in life. I feel like I’m stuck.

I work nights which is making my depression and anxiety worse but the money is good. I am trying to get a new job so I can come off nights because my manager is toxic too but that makes my anxiety bad and I worry I’ll be with more mean people where as Atleast at my job now I have my best friend who keeps an eye out for me. But I need a job with good money because I need to move out. My mum is awful and makes my life hell. My dad wants to help me but isn’t in the financial situation. Things got so bad at home yesterday I’m now living on my dad’s sofa. And I feel so down. I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy. I’m not strong enough for this.

[Jamesgolfer1]

Hi Bethany, welcome to the group and your story sounds familiar to most anxiety sufferers. Do you know what started making you feel anxious all those years ago for it to end up being an anxiety disorder? You sound like your young? And you have been struggling for 9 years which is a long time! How did u react on the medication?

[BethanyF in reply to Jamesgolfer1]

I’m 21 at the moment. My mum has always been quite horrid and I think she is what started my anxiety getting worse. I blamed myself for a long time for my parents divorce which I know now was not my fault at all although at times I do still blame myself. I hold a lot of guilt and feel like a burden all the time.

The medication gave me a lot of side effects and didn’t improve my mood. Even after trying for a few months and having my dosage doubled

[Jamesgolfer1 in reply to BethanyF]

I was the same on medication and had suicidal thoughts so I stopped straight away and looked into beta blockers which helps but doesn’t really cure anything. Why do u feel like a burden? Because of your anxiety? I take it your mum doesn’t accept ur anxiety and how it makes u feel?

[BethanyF in reply to Jamesgolfer1]

Think it’s just the way my mum has always been at me. She’s a heavy drinker so has a lot of mood swings.

My mum doesn’t understand my anxiety. When I was younger she refused to let me see anyone to get help because she said it would ruin my life if I did and be embarrassing.

I had to go and stay at a friends house when I was trying the medication because she wouldn’t let me otherwise.

If I get upset she just gets angry at me.

When I told her about my struggles when I was 14 she tried to kick me out but when my dad said I could stay with him she wouldn’t let me and instead made me stay in my bedroom all the time and threw everything related to me in my room. All photos of me, my mugs etc.

I work nightshift so I can earn more money but find it very difficult to have a healthy lifestyle which I know doesn’t help.

Thank you so much for your helo

[Jamesgolfer1 in reply to BethanyF]

Wow it seems like your mum has her own issues and is hiding behind alcohol which is very common! It seems like she is controlling ur life and at 21 you should be doing what pleases u even though she is ur mum she cannot treat u that way.. I think if u and ur dad can rent together ur anxiety will improve so much! R u in the UK ?

[BethanyF in reply to Jamesgolfer1]

Yeah I am

[Jamesgolfer1 in reply to BethanyF]

As u know it’s expensive renting in the UK but hopefully u can sort something out soon!! Have u looked into natural supplements for your anxiety and basically how anxiety works due to having low serotonin in the body? If antidepressants didn’t work then supplements can be a great alternative without the side effects!

[BethanyF in reply to Jamesgolfer1]

I will look into it, thank you

[BeautifulxWreck]

It sounds like your mum makes it worse and isn’t very understanding however it sounds like your dad is the opposite and helps you and is understanding, could you move in with him permanently? Sounds like it will be a positive move, you need to take necessary actions to help yourself, don’t think about other people.. I’ve been too worried about how others feel and now I’m in the lowest place possible, focus on you x

[BethanyF in reply to BeautifulxWreck]

Thank you, yeah, my dad is fantastic other than his money difficulties but I have started looking into whether we could afford the rent of a 2 bed flat together. I’ve always worried about upsetting others and just want to make people proud of me. I’ve been saving since as much as I can in order to try and get my own house but the cost is just crazy and doesn’t seem possible alone. I could afford it if I moved further away but want to be near my family as I am struggle being alone for long periods of time. Thank you for your kind words. Make sure you look after yourself too. I’m starting to realise that I can’t help others until I’ve helped myself

[nettynoonah]

Hi Bethany, I am new here, but recognise so much of how you are feeling. Please reach out and if I can help you through this, I will. I often feeling just like you do, despite medication and counselling/CBT therapy etc. Once you have been through all the can offer, you seem to be disregarded. I haven't given up though. I am old, but not ready to give in. Has your medication helped you at all? If not, talk to your GP about maybe changing. It took a few before I found one that helped me, but wouldn't say I am totally happy, just a bit resigned to this is how my life is and trying to make the best of it. Here to talk x

[BethanyF in reply to nettynoonah]

Thank you!! Yeah, when I told the doctor that the therapy didn’t help nor the medication they said there was nothing they could suggest. They wanted to increase my dosage again but I knew that wasn’t the right choice because of the side effects I was already getting. I asked to speak to another doctor who just told me there was nothing they could do and that i just have to get on with it and help myself which was hard to hear because I had tried to help myself but wasn’t able to hence why I turned to the doctors. It’s always good to have somebody to talk to that understands.

I haven’t spoke to my GP in a few months now. Every time I’ve gone they haven’t taken me seriously at all and I get a lot of anxiety about going to the doctors too.

Just wish I could find a good GP but I’m not in the catchment area for any other GP but the GP I can go to is one of the worst rated. Makes it tough