It’s been a while

[perkofawallflower]

I haven’t posted in a while. I realized that I have been standing in my own way. In all my relationships, I have been visualizing in my head what the perfect boyfriend is and this perfect future together. I was holding them up to these high expectations and when they didn’t meet them I became disappointed. I assigned expectations as role of boyfriend. Some of them were ridiculous after I look back at it. Expecting them to text all the time or respond right away. Because hey he’s my boyfriend he needs to pay attention to me. Because of this expectation it would cause me anxiety when he didn’t respond or I would have doubts that he loved me. Kind of like an all or nothing. If he doesn’t text me then he doesn’t love me. I know that it’s silly to think that but that’s where my anxiety takes me. But now, I have realized that my expectations are way too high, I have been letting them go and just letting him be him. It’s making it a lot easier and a lot less anxiety. Also a lot less anxiety about his ex wife. She continues to text him a lot but he set boundaries with her and he doesn’t respond. I have learned I can’t change her or him but I have to trust that he can handle it. It’s not my job to fight this battle. It is his. For a while , I was always offering advice or telling him what he should do. Now I sit and listen and provide him with emotional support. I noticed that he opens up a lot more to me now. On occasion there will be moments when I go back to telling him how to handle her and then he reminds me that I am just there to support him while he handles it. It’s so scary to just let go of control. Anyone else find it hard to let things just happen and stop trying to control situations?

[trulycommited]

I have personally noticed that the higher my expectations, the greater my disappointment when they are not met? Whether our unrealistic expectations are placed in other people, in our own strength, or in specific situations, we will always experience discouragement when things do not go as planned. On the other hand, we should expect trust and respect. It is normal to feel uncertainty regarding how to handle a situation. I would suggest keeping open, respectful communication at all times. If you ever feel you need counsel, reach out to a trusted source. Love and hugs.

[perkofawallflower in reply to trulycommited]

Him and I have been working on our communication a lot more. I noticed mostly I will tell him how he should have handled a situation with his ex wife. I tell him how I would have done it differently. In reality I really don’t know how she would have responded to my technique but in my mind she would respond in a better way to mine than his. It’s my ego getting in the way thinking my way is better and if he would have done it my way she would have listened. So I am learning to let go, let him handle her and just be there as a support person. I also realized my anxiety is less when he doesn’t talk about every single little detail. I told him unfortunately I can’t be the person he comes to about her because it causes me so much stress and anxiety. He said he understands because it is his battle to fight not mine. I did say he could come to me and just let me know he had a bad day with his ex wife and I can be support but he can’t unload the whole problem on me. I guess I have discovered I need to care for myself too.

[trulycommited in reply to perkofawallflower]

I think if you keep your conversation open, the details of what is going on might not be as stressful. You seem to be finding a balance that works. If needed, talk with someone who can give sound counsel. XOXXO

[perkofawallflower in reply to trulycommited]

Exactly 🤗