I read all your previous posts, but didn't see where you mentioned this before. I may have missed it.
First, please unload that gun and lock away in a safe someplace. More people are hurt or killed than helped if an intruder gets in....and has one too. Or grabs it away from you.
There are groups of survivors throughout the US, and I would think in the UK, to support one another to heal from this type of assault. Start by calling the crisis line or center near you to find one.
Do not turn off all your lights at night: is an invitation for break-ins for thieves. I leave my porch light on 24/7 ad certain lights are on timers in different parts of the house and are on at different times whether you are there or not. You want people to think someone is in the house; break-ins are reduced by this. Keep your phone near you ready or programmed for a 911 call.
You have had a serious, horrible event, but there are professionals who specialize in this area.
Good locks and a camera system that shows you who is outside your door are recommended.
Do you mind if I ask if you are seeing a professional who helps you with this type of assault which has PTSD type hyper-awareness, anxiety.....do you have nightmares?
You can learn gradually to go out again....but with other people.
I couldn’t go out at all for nearly 9 years after the rape. I’m able now to go out during the day and work, I must b back before dark. My anxiety is terrible at night. I c 3 therapist a week about my anxiety and dealing with the aftermath of what happened to me.
I’m finding it really hard to recover from it.
I will never not have my gun with me. I have it on me always.
If you insist on carrying a gun, I am assuming you had proper training and have a concealed weapon license. Am surprised your employer and therapists permit it on their premises....or have you not told them. But please remember a gun is no guarantee that you are safe from all harm. And maybe a risk to innocent people around you. That would be a horrible thing that can happen.
Ten years is a long time; do you feel your therapists are helping? Have they expressed any concern about your anxiety is so bad at night and that you carry a weapon? Hope they do have you involved with a support group so you can be supported by others who share the aftermath of such an intense assault of body and mind. xxx
THIS IS GOING TO BE BLUNT. GROW UP. LOOSE THE GUN. THEN SEE IF THERAPY MAKES A DIFFERENCE.
I'm sorry, but I can't offer much more to anyone who carries a gun and hides it from people trying to help her with a job and therapy. Or anyone she encounters. As far as nightmares, ask your therapists about prazosin. If your therapists aren't helping, tell them about the gun. That is important. Do you have a license for it? Bet not.
You say you're not afraid to use it.....I'm afraid someone else will or you'll kill an innocent person.
I am sorry you cry every day. But as long as you think your gun is all you need to live, you are not going to benefit from any type of therapy. I do not want to cry one day for your death or others deaths because you used that gun when you thought someone was a threat to you.
So write as much you want, I simply cannot support someone with walking death on her and she wants me to tell her how to get better.
Sorry for what you went through 10 years ago but what doesn't make sense to me is that you have anxiety at night and turn your lights off, so people think you're not home? I would think you'd have your lights on cuz if you want people to think you're not home and you are, someone could come in your house thinking you're not because your lights are off? Have you sought counseling to help you with this cuz it's not a good way to live sleeping with a gun next to you. Take care
Hi i wrote you a long reply and my stupid computer blanked it all out and i'm so tired now to write it all again. basically i support your having a gun to protect yourself and i;m so sorry this horrible thing happened to you. i don't know why anyone is against you having a gun, i wish i did. People who give "tough love" mean well but i don't think they understand true horrific trauma.i wasn't raped but i survived other kinds of gut-wrenching trauma, and know what it's like to have nightmares still, decades later. i have awful insomnia/anxiety worse at night also, and i think part of it is due to my fear in living alone as a single woman and i'm scared to fall asleep at night bc then i can't hear what's happening. so my body feels safer to fall asleep at 7 a.m. when the "Bad guys" are done with crimes, but you work so can't do that. a police officer suggested this kind of lock that makes it hard to kick a door in, called Master Lock. also i know of a therapy specific to trauma like rape and its called EMDR. will copy and paste info of that in the end. i also worry about walking around at night, and i hope it's not too much to ask, how did it happen? you don't have to say details, but i feel if i know how things happen, i can better protect myself . for example there was a serial rapist in my part of dallas years ago, but he was breaking in first floor apts. i never take first floor apts. were you walking around in a busy city, was it in the USA, or was it in a non-populated area or a break-in? the EMDR is supposed to be really effective, let me know if you already tried it, then i'll try to think of other things . i pray hard that you heal. here is info on it: "Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment that was originally designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories (Shapiro, 1989a, 1989b). Shapiro’s (2001) Adaptive Information Processing model posits that EMDR therapy facilitates the accessing and processing of traumatic memories and other adverse life experience to bring these to an adaptive resolution. After successful treatment with EMDR therapy, affective distress is relieved, negative beliefs are reformulated, and physiological arousal is reduced. During EMDR therapy the client attends to emotionally disturbing material in brief sequential doses while simultaneously focusing on an external stimulus. Therapist directed lateral eye movements are the most commonly used external stimulus but a variety of other stimuli including hand-tapping and audio stimulation are often used (Shapiro, 1991). Shapiro (1995, 2001) hypothesizes that EMDR therapy facilitates the accessing of the traumatic memory network, so that information processing is enhanced, with new associations forged between the traumatic memory and more adaptive memories or information. These new associations are thought to result in complete information processing, new learning, elimination of emotional distress, and development of cognitive insights."
Thank you for your support. It means a lot,I can tell you can relate. I’m sorry you went thru terrible trauma and still feeling the aftermath, it’s awful.
I was beaten a raped coming home from my 40th birthday.
I spent 3 months in hospital recovering.
I wasn’t in big city just outside it leaving Restaurant and bar around 2am with few friends at the time,there train came first and I was left alone waiting for train and then man attacked me out of nowhere,he was to strong I couldn’t defend myself. He punched me in the head,stomach several times then proceeded to viciously rape me. Every time I close my eyes I c him.
I used to hate guns. I have no other choice, I’m all alone,who else is going to protect me.
I’m not a bad person. I’m just really scared it will happen again.
OMG did he get caught? if he was never brought to justice then you don't have closure ! You know i was just thinking the other day (because i got a ticket a few days ago for supposedly running a stop sign- i was so tired)- that what a waste of time these asshole cops spend stopping innocent people like me for nonsense when they should be patrolling the streets or areas where there's actual crime. i got to thinking that bc i had a debate with an atheist who said he doesnt believe in God bc why doesn't he stop it when vicious crimes happen, why does He let innocent people get hurt when He has the power to stop it. nothing he said can make me stop believing in God, and i told the atheist that God cries when we are hurt but He doesnt magically interfere with our free will. then i thought more about it and it's weird that i got pulled over that very night. bc it was a very expensive answer to my question (almost $200 ticket). i thought, God calls men to be protectors, and how many men are out there not hearing that call? how many cops are wasting their time on porn and bullshit and what about these glorified athletes in the NFL, wrestling, etc who, thru not completely their fault- but bc people idolize them- so many men waste their God given strength on vanity and corruption . i know that's not what God wants these men to do with their strength, there are so many out there that just don't want to hear God's call. if more men followed the right path, there'd be more protectors out there instead of men wasting their strength on feeding their ego by being idols of people. and people shouldn't idolize them, its all so twisted. i remember once someone took me to a Dallas Cowboys game, on a Sunday, and i kept thinking, my God, if only there were this many people this excited about God, and at church instead of here idolizing these men, what a different world it would be. so it's weird that i came across your post, days after i had these reflections. i hope this horror did not make you lose faith in God, bc He is the one who can heal you. you are very strong bc i'd be in a mental institution for life if that happened to me . so i admire you for learning to protect yourself. did you try the EMDR therapy? i'd be surprised if your therapists didn't already suggest it bc it is specifically for cases like rape- but i mentioned it just in case. please try EMDR if you haven't already. And an antidepressant should give some relief-specifically Zoloft, i think, is good for PTSD? i live in TX and people love their guns here , don't let anyone make you feel bad for protecting yourself . do you have faith?i pray for a miracle of healing for you
Yes he was caught. He got 22 years,parole in 18 years. Yes I have done EMDR therapy it was only a slight help. I just struggle at night terribly. I live in Australia. I am a believer in god I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Best of luck. You are very understanding person. God bless
There is a difference between reality and "tough love." There are over 300,000,000 guns in circulation in my country, many unregistered and the death rate from them is high. That is almost a gun for every person in my country.
Federal statistics show the owner of a gun is more likely to be killed by it when an intruder is involved, rather than protecting anyone. And a gun does not help anyone overcome the collateral damage to her after an assault. It hasn't helped Jenny. One would not have helped me.
Totally understand your desire to carry a gun. Obviously there are strong views on both sides of gun ownership. But the choice is yours. One thing to consider is the possibility of accidental use on some other person who might appear to threaten but who actually may have innocent intentions. Guns can cause fatal injuries (and prison for you). May I suggest pepper spray or sound grenade as a close to equalizing weapon?
Darryl knows what it is like to be in a highly populated area where lack of gun control results in deaths. I know what is like 3,000 miles from there in a large population, Mexico and Caribbean Isles nearby.
On Valentine's Day, 17 children were gunned down just 4 hours from me for no reason other than a person not thinking straight at the time.
Your firearm is not registered and you carry it as a concealed weapon. Darryl is right....what if someone accidentally bumps into you and you shoot, or the gun fires.....some have hairline triggers and can go off if loaded.
Other of us on the forum have experienced rape and assault. The rate in my country is high, but the gun has not helped you get past this.
Regarding the nightmares, again, ask your psychiatrist about prazosin. After 18 years following trauma, I have permanent injuries, including traumatic brain injury. Prazosin is the first thing I have been RX that has effectively addressed reliving that trauma almost every night. My service dog helped for more than 12 years, but he's gone now.
Prazosin is a blood pressure medication that the military discovered treats military personnel with PTSD type dreams of war zones.
With more peaceful sleep, you may find therapy to be more effective.xx
What a horrible and traumatising experience. I totally understand why you have been so affected. I hope you can work through it and come out the other side, changed but not broken. This attack has naturally affected you but it does not have to kill you, whereas having a loaded gun is as dangerous to you as walking alone down a dark street at night. It may be fine, but there is always the risk of an accident. Why not take all sensible precautions such as good locks on your door, timers on your lights, taking a licensed cab at night instead of a train. All these things cost a little money but you are worth it. I hope what happened to you does not happen again to you or any other woman, and by sharing your story you help others. Wishing you a good recovery and a happy life in the future.
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Night time is rubbish!
Over thinking at night time?
Anxiety attacks the time after. 
Anxiety at night 
