Am I starting to lose my mind?

[plushiesaremyjam]

Am I starting to lose my mind? Last year I lost a very good online friend of mine to suicide. and lately I have been thinking a lot about him and my grief has come back. I used to be able to think to myself, he wouldnt want us all to be this sad, I need to keep going towards my goals. Now I keep thinking "What could I have done differently to keep him from doing it" or "Did doing this set him over the edge?" We had an argument about a week after it happened about his drinking and smoking habits. He actually had a very abusive girlfriend that after they broke up she and her new boyfriend (Who was double her age might I add) would be so awful to him and call his a rapist and a pedophile and everything, it was awful. We even dated a little bit and when we broke up I feel like I set him over the edge, and then we had our drinking and smoking argument and we didn't talk for a while after that. I feel like...it was me that set him over the edge but his brother and his friends said that it wasnt me, that it wasnt any of us that did it. That he was too far gone from his abusive ex girlfriend. But the more and more I think of it lately the more and more I wonder if it was me. I dont want to die or hurt myself or anything so please don't think that. I just want to stop feeling this grief and I want to know if I am like on the verge of a psychotic break. I am 18 years old and female, I am in my senior year of high school (Senioritis is upon us) and I have been home the past few days from school because I have been super sick with a cold. My mom seems to think that my weird dreams and stuff have been cause of being sick (Which is totally true, and by weird dreams I mean like normal weird dreams nothing about my friend or anything) but I find my anxiety really takes over even before i open my eyes, but I am actually conscious and awake and able to open my eyes, but like I wait for my alarm clock to go off..I find that my anxiety takes over at that point and it makes everything seem drab and awful, even before I wake up and face the day. It only happens when I have an alarm set too. Like if I can wake up naturally its all ok and no anxiety. But yeah...am I starting to lose it? I have really bad anxiety and from high school and worrying about college and everything and just general senior stuff (I actually got my cap and gown the other day) its all been weighing down on me..thank you so much for listening!

[DeeM3]

Plushie. We’ve all gone through break ups. It’s natural. It’s how we find out while we want in our lives through a series of trial and error. He, unfortunately, was in a very bad place in his life and that’s not on you at all. I am sure in your time together as friends or more you offered much positive support.

On to school... all normal worries for your age-your reaction is likely elevated from all you have been through.