Today Was A Good Day

[Cforte]

Today, Saturday as I write this, was a good day. Yesterday, Friday, at work was also a good day, I made it through work anxious but never had a panic attack. Last night I had a small panic attack in bed so had to play my SimCity game to get my mind off of it and relax. Though I was dead tired, it took hours of lying in bed with my eyes closed trying to ignore lying, intrusive thoughts of panic to get to sleep. I didn't fall asleep until past 2:00 am. I then got up out of bed at 11:45 am to get ready to volunteer at the Amici House, an Italian-American cultural center here in San Diego, at 1:00 pm and was still tired, but some coffee helped wake me up. On weekends I can do this, but during the week I have to get up at 5:00 am! That is partly why I have such long, bad and anxious days at work, with some panic attacks trying to happen. Some days I can control it and avoid them, other days it is impossible.

I used to love nighttime, I used to love the dark, the cold, the lights, everything about the night and could sleep very well during it. Now I dread the night, as soon as I see it getting dark, I get anxious and scared. I am afraid of and expect to get panic attacks and find it hard to sleep. This is very common with people who have generalized anxiety and panic disorder, as you know, our minds are now conditioned to expect anxiety and a panic attack, so it becomes a self-fulfilled prophecy. By thinking something is going to happen, it happens. This is why we need to retrain our minds and thoughts, to stop obsessing and worrying over every little thing, especially events or issues that didn't happen yet, the "what ifs." But that is easier said than done. Medication can also do this, by affecting the serotonin and neurotransmitters in the brain, but, unless you are on them for life, is only temporary and come with nasty side effects and, if you ever get off of them, nasty withdrawal symptoms. So for now I am fighting this on my own without the medication, though I still have it if I ever decide to go on it, and will see a psychiatrist on March 7th who can help me cope with this without medication, or can help me cope with the side effects of them.

Today I made it through volunteering at the Amici House 1:00-5:00 pm, and ushering at Mass at Our Lady of the Rosary 5:30-6:30, with no full-blown panic attacks, though I did feel a little anxious at times. Now I hope I can sleep tonight so I can do more tomorrow. I need to clean my room, do laundry, volunteer at the Amici House again, and hopefully go hike again finally in one of the close-by urban canyons like Tecolote, Palm, or Switzer. I haven't done that in so many months! My sister and my niece may even come down so we can celebrate her birthday. Then I need to fall asleep long before 2 am so I can get up at 5 for work on Monday!! I pray you are all having better days too.