Am I falling out of love or is it my anxiety?

Hello everyone, I’m Rebecca.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little over a year. We’ve had a good relationship thus far.

At the beginning of our relationship (2 months in) I had sex with two other guys. Back then I didn’t think it a big deal until it really started to bother me over a month ago. I guess it really started to bother me because I realized I loved him so much and couldn’t believe that I, his girlfriend, would do something like that to someone who has only shown me his love every day since we met. My conscience was killing me so I confessed to him what had happened. I confessed knowing that there was a great chance he would break up with me.

He was torn and we both cried and cried but agreed that it is something we both have to cope with. Roughly a month later, we were both hugging and dancing in the kitchen and exchanged “I love yous” when I first heard it. A hissing voice in my head said, “NO YOU DON’T”. Since then, the same voice has been echoing, driving me crazy. It’s making me question whether I really love him or not. Is this the man I still want to marry (he hasn’t proposed but we’ve both talked about getting married)? I still want him in my life. I want to wake up next to him. I’m also terrified that if I am in fact “out of love” I’ll realize too late I do love him & he’ll already be with someone else.

Every time I feel this way, I talk it out with him and am “brought back to reality”. And once I am “back to reality”, I have those feelings of love again.

I feel like I’m going crazy. Do you guys think it’s just a product of my anxiety? Because just a little over a month ago I was crying because I was ashamed of what I had done to my boyfriend friend, which begs the question, can someone seriously fall out of love from one day to the next? Or am I letting my anxiety get the best of me.

Last night, I felt a tingling sensation coarse through my body. I twitched voluntarily in an attempt to shake that weird ticklish sensation off.

Please help.

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2 Replies

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  • Hi rebeccarojas, I think you are confused and having some doubts because of guilt more than anxiety. Seeing how much it tore him apart when you told him, is probably playing like a broken record in your mind. You love him but are you "in love" with him. You need time to rethink if you still want to get married but are afraid of losing him during that time. And so with nothing resolved, the uncertainty keeps creeping up in your mind..

    You are not going crazy. Your thoughts are now affecting your nervous system which is giving you that twitching and tingling sensation coursing through your body. . You need to decide where you are going with this relationship before he does ask you to marry him. There should be no doubts before accepting. Wish you well xx

  • Hi Rebecca, You are clearly a very intelligent and thoughtful person. As such your mind wants to be able to successfully analyse events and provide definitive answers. The problem is that the whole area of 'love", being in love, loving, is one that is not always capable offing definitively analysed. Scientists, artists, poets and people have been fascinated by "love" for thousands of years; because of its being unfathomable. So, you have chosen a huge subject to grapple with.

    But when you love that special person you want to be sure that person is the right person for you ; and that you are the right one for them. To get to where you are and feel that way, to have that anxiety, is healthy. It shows a mature concern for both of you. It shows that you do in fact love both yourself and your boyfriend. So far so good. Falling in love is a great feeling. Building on that love is not quite a exciting during the process, but it provides a deep satisfaction that you often only appreciate when looking back at the process.

    Sleeping with others at the outset is partly you testing your love for your new boyfriend, partly fear of committing, partly wanting the simple thrill of sex with someone else. Whatever the motivation, however simple or complex, it does not mean you don't love your boyfriend. It may for example mean you don't love yourself enough, or are scared of committing. That does not mean to say extra relationship is something to condone; and such activity is likely to hurt you more than anyone else. So, it's probably best avoided.

    You are not crazy; you are simply an intelligent deep thinker. You care about both yourself and your boyfriend; that is something about which to congratulate yourself. By all means listen to your inner voices; but don't let them dictate to you. Enjoy building a loving supportive relationship; and don't be hard on yourself. It's healthy to share with your boyfriend; but not always to share all thoughts. It is usually good advice to learn from the past; but don't be dictated to by it. Don't let it dominate your present and future. Sometimes we have to let go of the past and simply enjoy living in the moment. Please stop feeling guilty. What's done is done. You have shared and can now move on.

    Only yesterday I read online a magazine article about Beonce and her husband dealing with his infidelity, (I think it may have been in GQ). Worth a read; so google and read it if you can.

    Anyway, good luck to you. You clearly care about your boyfriend and care about building a sound relationship. That is great in itself. We all spend our lives in self doubt and fear; overcoming that can often be difficult but it is not impossible. And, it I great when you do. You are testing yourself and your love, which is normal and sensible. Don't destroy what you've got by doing that; but instead use it to make that love stronger. You clearly deserve it. Good luck.

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