Now I see.

[Dodo777]

I learnt to bottle up my feelings because of abuse I learnt to hate i didn't want to feel pain any longer and it worked for a few years I was bullied but learnt to fight back and I became the bully. Bottling up my emotions worked. I didn't care for anything or anyone. Life was easier that way. Then I started suffering panic attacks paranoia I had to drink because I became afraid of everything. Learning to relax has helped me feel again. Meditation has helped alot changing the way I think and keepikeeping God in mind. I am now getting bouts of empathy feeling sad and instead of bottling I am letting those feeling in because I know now they are just thoughts that will pass and I am finding myself calm more at piece more forgiving. I forgive my parents because I have to or I will drown.

[Agora1]

Dodo, another step you are taking in your life. Forgiveness is good for the soul. I hope by doing this, it will give you the inner peace you have been looking for all your life. Meditation looks like it has given you more than peace and calm but maybe some answers in how to direct your life at this stage.