It Never Ends

[toast122]

It feels impossible to even begin to explain what I am feeling. It feels like I can't even think right now but I will try to explain to the best of my ability.

First, I'll begin by saying I am having a million physical symptoms. Heart palpitations, chest pain, shoulder pain, stiff neck, difficulty breathing, chest tightness, sore throat, lightheadedness, dizziness, stomach pain, nausea, numbness in my extremities, headaches, eye floaters, muscle twitches and the list goes on. I also feel extremely tense all the time and can't find a way to un-tense. I go through phases of over-eating where I never feel full, and phases of barely eating at all because I have zero appetite.

As terrible as the physical sensations are, they don't even come close to the mental torment. I feel like I am unable to think. I can't concentrate, remember things, carry a conversation. It feels like my brain does not work. I think this relates to depersonalization and derealization- my most debilitating symptoms. It is really difficult to put into words the way it feels to suffer from dp/dr, but I will try. It feels as though I am not real, nor is the world around me. I constantly feel spaced out, like I am in a dream. I have no sense of urgency or time. It feels like my brain has gone into overload, shut itself off, and is not capable of processing new information. I used to be very smart, a straight A student, and now I can barely even write this post. Nothing makes sense. Thoughts in my mind feels like random fragments- nothing "connects" or follows a logical train. It feels like I am not typing this right now. Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I don't recognize myself. I also don't feel any emotion. My brain feels like that of a new born baby who has to learn everything for the first time. I know none of this probably makes sense, and I probably sound insane. But that is how I feel- like I am going insane. It is my worst fear. I constantly obsess over developing a serious mental illness. I'm afraid that this is NOT anxiety, but something far worse such as schizophrenia. I can't shake the thought that I am losing my mind. I have expressed this concern to many psychologists and social workers, but all of them say that it is just anxiety and reassure me that I am not losing my mind. This never puts my mind at ease though.

I have endured a lot of trauma over the past few months...Broke up with my boyfriend, I was held at knife point, stalked 3 times, my grandfather passed away, my brother hasn't been doing well mentally (his struggle with mental health in the past is what initially triggered dp/dr and fear of going crazy), found out my relative has a serious health issue, cousin lost her baby, friends slowly cut contact with me, parents marriage failing, and one parent unemployed so we can't afford to move.

The stressors have been piling on and they seem never ending. My brain can't handle anymore. I feel like I'm going to snap. Dealing with all these real issues I mentioned above, plus constantly worrying about my physical and mental health (fearing I will die and/or go crazy) is all just too much. I also have the stress of university (which I am barely attending). Plus I quit my job because I couldn't handle it (but now I worry about money). I feel depressed. I have trouble getting out of bed some days, and can't do anything more than play on my phone or watch tv (which I don't even enjoy) on days like this. NOTHING brings me joy. I also have these random crying fits where I start crying uncontrollably and can't stop. I am noticeably angrier and constantly irritable/on-edge. I feel like I can't function like a normal human being. I can't stick to a schedule, I have no motivation to do anything. I'm afraid that I will end up broke, without an education or job, and alone.

I have also randomly developed an eye blinking twitch about 2 months ago out of no where. It is incredibly annoying, makes me self conscious, and gives me headaches but I can't control it. I also have this terrible habit of chewing the inside of my lip that I seem to do without even realizing most of the time.

I feel absolutely hopeless and helpless. Everything is too overwhelming and I cannot cope. I feel like there is no way I will ever be better. My symptoms feel so bizarre and so difficult to put into words. It's like I am existing but not truly living. Time is flying by as I passively float along. I don't have a sense of identity or purpose. I feel like nothing.

This post is all over the place and doesn't really follow any timeline or flow. I kind of just wrote everything down as it popped into my head. So I am sorry if it doesn't make sense. But this is basically how I feel. I don't even know what I am looking to get out of posting this. I don't see how anything or anyone could possibly help. I'm just desperate for some relief.

[Mpa5524]

Symptoms sound almost identical to what ive been through. And thought my sis and I were the only ones who say "I don't feel real" we say that all the time. Are you currently on any medication?

[toast122 in reply to Mpa5524]

I am not currently on any medication regularly, only Ativan as needed. How about you?

[Mpa5524 in reply to toast122]

I was on Celexa for about 2 months and in that gave me pins and needles horrible feeling all over my body doctor took me off that now I've been on Prozac for 2 weeks still wake up shaky tense my arms my legs my knees shake and I take .25 Ativan in the morning I'm supposed to take .5 twice a day but I'm a wimp

[Aazz]

You have been through a lot it's no wonder you feel the way you do. I completely understood every word you said and I have felt the same. You are definitely not loosing your mind even though it may feel that way. I'm sure you have read up about do/dr and know it's just your brains way of shutting off from stress and you have had a lot of it and plus all the extra worry about your symptoms just keep the cycle going.

It maybe worth trying some anti depressants to help get you through? Are you seeing the psychologists you mentioned regularly?

You may have noticed that many people on here recommend Claire weekes book and dare by Barry mcdonagh they are all about getting over anxiety by acceptance.

I really hope you get some relief xo

[toast122 in reply to Aazz]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and reply. I'm currently in the process of finding a new psychologist and/or social worker. I haven't heard of those books but I will definitely check them out! Thanks for the suggestions, I appreciate it! 😊

[Carl87]

Try accepting the feelings without fearing them, don’t be so impressed by them. You definitely are not going to develop another mental illness such as Schizophrenia. ANXIETY does not manifest into anything more than what it is, no matter how bad you feel. DR/DP, despite how bad it may seem , it’s your minds protection mechanism, it’s giving you a break through all the Constant stress you put it under. It’s not permanent , just takes a while to get better. Have patience , time and be kind to yourself. Believe it willl pass by accepting your thoughts and feelings , without fearing them, let your body give you all these sensations and don’t react. Yes they will be uncomfortable but you need to experience the short term fear to get rid of the long term fear. Recovery is within us all.

[steadfast66]

Dearest Tat, you are going through a lot.

The fact that you can express your feelings so well shows you are intelligent. If you have had physical examinations and are okay...more than likely you have, try not to worry about those symptoms...easier said than done. You are not alone. You are not crazy. You are on overload!

I don't know if you are a Christian or not, but seeing a Christian therapist has helped me a lot. However, I still sometimes feel disconnected from myself, not here, thinking that I might "lose my mind...knowing that I won't. Overanalyzing was a big problem for me. Now I try not to figure stuff out or fix what I don't have control over. Also, this helped me "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference."

You are here for a purpose. Everybody's problem is not yours. Read books on anxiety. Doctors don't know everything. You have a lot of people who understand what you are experiencing. Learning to live with it is key. When you are talking, try not to think "I am talking and going to shut down or babble." Also, having a heightened sense of awareness of yourself and things can be devastating. Try not to think too far in the future and please do not dwell on what has already happened. Forgive everyone. Don't hold grudges.

You have a friend in me.

[scardycat in reply to steadfast66]

Amen Steadfast66, was going to reply, but your reply is simply perfect! Your response to tat122 helped me!! So now I how Tat122 feels as good as i do after reading your reply:)) Merci~