Quite disappointed and heartbroken!!!!!

[Icanbeathis2016]

Hello family. I havent posted on here in a while. Ive only been responding to others posts lately. Well I have to admit I was very skeptical about posting this out of mere disappointed and being heartbroken that I'm even going through it all over again. Well thats what I assume is that its happening all over again. So back last year August was when things first was really bad for me with this anxiety which evolved to health anxiety which constantly kept me afraid of something. And then thankfully around January of this year is when things started getting better for me month by month and I felt like i was coming back to myself; motivation, ambition, pursuing my goals again. So i felt like i had a bit of a hold on this anxiety thing and yes i would still have my bad days during this good stretch i was in but i was dealing with it better than my first time going through it becuase i was accepting it better. I wasnt so afraid to sleep anymore. I was eating better. It just seemed like i was doing ok. Well for the past three months have been a bad spiral. I do have good days but it seems like my bad days are bad. My symptoms seem different which make me question is this still anxiety or is something bad happening. Yes i do have some familiar symptoms which i try to tell myself I've felt like this before just push through it. And for the most part I do. The one good thing I'm doing that i didnt do before which lead to so much bad anxiety is that i do try and push through my rough moments by still going out or getting out to do things i need to do and for the most part I end up getting through just fine, sometimes not even noticing any symptoms. So im glad that i do make myself get out. But its like on the other hand, once im back home or my symptoms come and go and im not directly doing something to distract myself my mind is filled with doom and bad thoughts of death again. Yes i must admit im still afraid to die but i was doing better with my thoughts and its like now I've slipped back into the circle of evil and bad thoughts and all i can think about is that God is warning me that its my time to go. And it breaks my heart because I love my kids unconditionally and never want to leave them atleast not until Im old. But every ache, pain, twitch, head ache, wave or sensation I am back to feeling and thinking the worst. I don't know how this has happened to me again and so quickly. Ive recently about two months ago went for blood work and about a three weeks ago lucked up and got a ct scan at the er and everything was fine but its like that only reassured me for that moment because the next day or the next ache I get im back to thinking its some other illness or disease. I am back convinced something is really wrong inside and if i don't find out in time thats it. Its like my body is malfunctioning. Doing all kinds of wierd things: twitches, muscle aches, indigestion, eye floaters, headaches, feeling unbalanced, stomach cramps, flu like symptoms, wake up feeling short of breath/then fast heartbeat. I do realize these are symptoms of anxiety and I've had these before but its like things are firing off whenever and however. My sleep is bad again. Not really getting good rest. Im even convinced that the foods I eat or certain foods are causing this. And I dont know which foods. Ive changed up alot of what i used to eat due to my acid reflux that still wants to punish me but im also convinced that the foods we eat are causing these illnesses or diseases and the docs are not searching deep enough to pin point what is going on and it'll be too late when they finally do. Im constantly in fear now of what I drink, eat, what may touch me. I don't know how my life got this bad. All I know is I'm disappointed and heartbroken because i dont know. And my mind is consumed with these thoughts all over again. I was embarrassed to even want to write this post that I'm going in a downward spiral. And dont know how this happened again. Im scared all over again and sad thing is it seems like the more I pray for strength and faith to get through this, the scarier I get when I get my symptoms. I dont want to disappoint God and i need his help. I have so many ideas and goals for my business but my anxiety will not allow me to go strong. It is literally attacking me in every which way it can and I want to accomplish so much. And Im still trying to avoid taking any medications. 😞

[anxiouslady13]

I can totally relate to you. It doesn't matter what I do, anxiety gets me always. I am consumed with my health to an unhealthy level. The more I tell myself "it's just my anxiety" or "its only a sensation, nothing to worry about" my anxiety comes back 10 full. I feel like my anxiety will always be stronger than myself. I don't drive or do anything without another adult around (I'm 32). I feel so trapped and helpless. I also dont take medication cause I tried that and it made everything worse for me. I'm sorry I'm no help to you. You are not alone.

[Hidden in reply to anxiouslady13]

When I first experienced anxiety, Age 24 I had the same health fears. Once I learned about anxiety, realized I wasn't dying and started take zoloft, those thought went away. Medicine has help me tremendously. Also my faith helps me not to fear death. I must say now that I've live with anxiety for over 20 yrs, I don't worry about dying or being sick. I understand it's a symptoms of anxiety. The anxiety ,depersonalization and lack of pleasure seems worse than dying to me now.

[Icanbeathis2016 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for your reply. Even two months later after i posted this. I still have my fears. But i must admit. Hey im still alive. And i recall that day i posted this i felt so discouraged and full of fear just constantly thinking about death. And to look back at my post and see all i wrote it's like wow. Anxiety is real. I have to ask was it a roller coaster ride with your symptoms? Where one min you feel ok and then bam out of no where feel all kinds of whatever? I just have a hard time distinguishing if the things i feel are coming from anxiety or is something really wrong. Like even today Im having all kinds of cramps, aches, and funny head sensations,and unbalanced but a few days ago i felt ok. To hear you say its been over 20 years you have dealt with anxiety. Wow. Im 36 and feel like i dont know if im coming or going sometimes. It started for me about 2 years ago.

[Hidden in reply to Icanbeathis2016]

Yep. That's what makes it frustrating bcs u think u are getting better and bloom back to square one. It does definitely happen off and on. It's like, when anxiety seats in, we become sensitive to whatever happens in our body. Even after I eat, I could feel the digestion process in a way that made me think something was wrong. I've learned just to rejoice and enjoy it when I have good days and not worry about anxiety comming back. When it comes back, I say to myself "u have had good days and those good days or day will come again" My faith also assures me that no matter what happen, I can always turn to God to carry me through. That help me not to give up when I feel hopeless.

[Icanbeathis2016 in reply to Hidden]

Yes thats exactly right. You seem like things are ok and then bam its like whats going on. Its as if i will forget how it can make you feel so when it hits you out of nowhere you gwt afraid all over again like its the first time or something. But funny that you mentioned about how you can even feel when your digestion process. I think it has sensitized me that way too because i mentioned on this forum a few times asking others can they feel like if they are about to have a bm. Because ive notice how my body gives off all kinds of wierd symptoms put of nowhere and then shortly after i realize i have to go have a bm. Its like i can feel when my body is letting me know a bm is coming. Or yes i can feel if my food dont agree with me. I feel ill much more quickly.

[Hidden in reply to Icanbeathis2016]

I should clarify that my anxiety was not contanot for 20 yrs. I didn't have it for long periods within those 20 yrs anxiety free. When it hit, I went back on my meds and I was fine.

[Icanbeathis2016 in reply to anxiouslady13]

I dont know why i thought i replied to your post but i never did. Im so sorry. But how are you now? I look back at this post which was two months ago and how bad i was feeling mentally i dont know how i got this far that im still here. I can admit my last few weeks were better. I had some ok days and my bad days still. But i get where your coming from. The more i try to tell myself " you're ok. Its only anxiety" I get worse mentally. Just like i mentioned i pray pray pray for courage and strength to get through this and it seemed that the more i prayed the scarier and worse i got mentally.

[Gloria_carr]

I had been thinking about u & how you were doing i said i wont bother her with my aniexty problems if shes doing good! But for some reason today i decided to check on u ik you been down this road before & the symptoms are the same but do you think that bc of you having these symptoms & you were getting better believe thats why your thoughts of them frighten u bc it making u think its something more sinister? Hope u understand what i"m trying to say. Anyway continue to pray & talk about how your feeling i believe the more u talk about it the better you will feel & i know how u feel when i"m.out of the house doing something i forget all about it only 1 that makes me want to run for cover is the head sensation it cant be hidden its the most devastating 1 next to the ringing in the ear i call on God so much til it will just come out of no where. I hope things gets better for us all & it stay that way! & if you ever need someone to talk to private message me i"m pretty much going throught the samethings as you & its scary when its just u thats going through it around u.

[Icanbeathis2016 in reply to Gloria_carr]

I thank you for seeing how im doing. If you ever want to chat with me about your anxiety im always here. Yes i know how you may be feeling. This is a tough journey. I wish the best for us as well through this. And yes I have been praying and praying too. Its the only things that actually gives me relief in those moments so i cant stop praying.

[Gloria_carr in reply to Icanbeathis2016]

Oh ik how prayer helps it is the only relief i get in that moment hope you feel better

[Hidden]

Hi Icanbeathis2016. Please don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. I share many of these same feelings. As I get older I spend a lot of time thinking about situations in which I don't want to die. I know we don't controlthis but I am very adamant about not wanting to die smothered by unnecessary 'heavy-duty medical care and especially, not in a nursing home.. i also spent my educational years in Catholic boarding schools, nursing school and college. So I have a lot of what we call "Catholic guilt". I think that's what causes much of my anxiety-worrying about if I've been a good person. I suspect there are a lot of us that belong to this 'club'. Want to know more so will sign on again tom. Must go to bed now, am about to fall asleep. Goodnight and take care. Burma