Hi, not sure how to write this - It's the first time I've ever posted on any type of 'self help' forum, and it's taken some Dutch courage to even do that.
As a brief introduction, I'm a 33 year old male who from an early age had always considered himself shy, without giving it a second thought as to why that may be.
There were certain incidents, that only with hindsight I know, or at least feel have moulded me into the way I am today;
I experienced bullying (haven't we all), towards my latter years of school, which knocked my confidence at a critical age. Soon after that I discovered that my mother was having an affair with my father, which ultimately led to their divorce.
Following that I shrunk into my shell, though it took many years to realise this, as again I put it down to my shyness, as if it was an inreversable personality trait.
Over the years, I got in a couple of long-term relationships and my confidence gradually increased naturally. Funnily enough it took a psychic reading to point out that I suffered from anxiety, and a passing comment from my father that I was self-aware. I reflected on how I used to be and how I am now and everything clicked - they were right!
I don't know how to exactly describe what is 'wrong' with me. I know I'm generally an introvert, which is fine. I can accept that. I do however suffer from a lack of self confidence, which has held me back in relationships, career and socially.
Socially especially, I feel has held me back and is what bothers me most. For whatever reason I feel awkward and anxious and It's where the self-awareness really kicks in. There's a thought process before anything leaves my lips "is it funny", "is it interesting", "do people like me" etc etc. More often I say nothing, or in my time of thought, the moment has passed. How I long to be instinctive with what I say and not worry about what people think. Comfort is a factor, with my closest friends and family these things aren't an issue.
I don't have panic attacks or anything like that so this isn't a sob story - I know there are people out there needing more help than I. I have a successful career as a manager which years ago I couldn't imagine being in. I'm also in a relationship. But despite all this I'm still unhappy, and I have been for as long as I can remember. It's because I know I'm not the person that I want to be, or can be. Anxiety, lack of self-confidence and over self-awareness have got a stranglehold on me that I want to release. I'm considering seeing a psychiatrist but it's a big step, even if it's the logical one.
In closing, I don't even know if this is an active forum - I stumbled across it on Google, and it could be a case of TL:DR. To be honest it's been a bit of self-therapy just typing this, but if anyone has any thoughts, similar experiences, book recommendations etc it would be much appreciated.
Many thanks.