First Time Poster - Thoughts Welcome

[Cactus_Jack]

Hi, not sure how to write this - It's the first time I've ever posted on any type of 'self help' forum, and it's taken some Dutch courage to even do that.

As a brief introduction, I'm a 33 year old male who from an early age had always considered himself shy, without giving it a second thought as to why that may be.

There were certain incidents, that only with hindsight I know, or at least feel have moulded me into the way I am today;

I experienced bullying (haven't we all), towards my latter years of school, which knocked my confidence at a critical age. Soon after that I discovered that my mother was having an affair with my father, which ultimately led to their divorce.

Following that I shrunk into my shell, though it took many years to realise this, as again I put it down to my shyness, as if it was an inreversable personality trait.

Over the years, I got in a couple of long-term relationships and my confidence gradually increased naturally. Funnily enough it took a psychic reading to point out that I suffered from anxiety, and a passing comment from my father that I was self-aware. I reflected on how I used to be and how I am now and everything clicked - they were right!

I don't know how to exactly describe what is 'wrong' with me. I know I'm generally an introvert, which is fine. I can accept that. I do however suffer from a lack of self confidence, which has held me back in relationships, career and socially.

Socially especially, I feel has held me back and is what bothers me most. For whatever reason I feel awkward and anxious and It's where the self-awareness really kicks in. There's a thought process before anything leaves my lips "is it funny", "is it interesting", "do people like me" etc etc. More often I say nothing, or in my time of thought, the moment has passed. How I long to be instinctive with what I say and not worry about what people think. Comfort is a factor, with my closest friends and family these things aren't an issue.

I don't have panic attacks or anything like that so this isn't a sob story - I know there are people out there needing more help than I. I have a successful career as a manager which years ago I couldn't imagine being in. I'm also in a relationship. But despite all this I'm still unhappy, and I have been for as long as I can remember. It's because I know I'm not the person that I want to be, or can be. Anxiety, lack of self-confidence and over self-awareness have got a stranglehold on me that I want to release. I'm considering seeing a psychiatrist but it's a big step, even if it's the logical one.

In closing, I don't even know if this is an active forum - I stumbled across it on Google, and it could be a case of TL:DR. To be honest it's been a bit of self-therapy just typing this, but if anyone has any thoughts, similar experiences, book recommendations etc it would be much appreciated.

Many thanks.

[20Voices]

Hi and welcome,

I had to work on my self-confidence when I was in my early 20's and I lost all the self-confidence I had built up when I became ill. I am now getting it back.

I know I will always be a naturally shy person, but I work on it every day and I find that I either don't say anything when I am in a company of people I don't know, or I talk to much and boy do I talk. I then over analyse what I've said the people and self critical.

I am slowly changing my attitude to life and to myself and sorting out my anxiety and depression issues at the same time.

I saw a psychologist and she really helped me with being able to express how I was feeling and dealing with my unrealistic targets. Nothing I did was every gong to be good enough with how I was viewing myself. Every day now I am finding new achievements and new awareness of myself.

I was told by someone that I was too caring and that I'd just attract people who would use me. I've found myself in meetings at work getting ignored even after attending some of those team building days that companies make you do and having the tutors point out in some of the exercises that if the group I was working with had listened to me a bit more and if I had stood my ground a bit more the exercise would either have finished a lot quicker or we would have completed the exercise. I just give up and go with the majority at times because I had learned in the past that it was useless trying to stand my ground.

It is good that you are looking to resolve these issues and I wish you good luck. It is good that you haven't let your issues affect your working life. There are lots of resources about building self-confidence on the internet but I found that having someone to talk to about how you feel and help you to understand yourself better without fear of them judging you or trying to put words in your mouth was good for me.

Don't be afraid to ask questions in this forum, it is better to ask the question than just mulling over it.

Take care.