Sorry for the long rant, was just writing these feelings down on my I pad , didn't plan on posting them but I thought it might be a good idea, to comfort myself and possibly others by relating to how I am feeling, just so you know I have a good life, great job, great girlfriend, I would consider myself reasonably intelligent ( I think, even though my post will appear otherwise) and am 26 , but am constantly bombarded with the below thoughts /feelings , any input would be great. .
Feeling overwhelmed . Feel like I can't keep up with my own thoughts . Overthinking everything . Keep having dreams where I feel like we are unreal and the only way to describe it is that I can see the way we are programmed like there is only a certain amount of options we can come up with and its like I have already seen them all.
This feeling makes me feel trapped and scared, I then can't understand how I could feel so strong about it at that moment but later on in the day I will forget about how bad I felt, this then confuses me more because I remember all of these thoughts and then it's like I try too feel them again to check if they are still important , I have to keep checking over these thoughts and feelings , like I'm not satisfied with letting it go, because I feel that the problem has not been solved and the that I am just avoiding it . I will then reference this feeling with other things in my head to see how it makes me feel.
This then leads to thoughts about existence and I start to get these fleeting feelings like I'm watching myself for a split second . It's like I become aware that I am alive , and it feels disturbing . Then my mind starts to go off on tangents and think of different levels of consciousness ( so it feels) and I feel like I can view something or am getting some insight that others can not see , and I then wonder If I am meant to feel like this , but it's like being hyper aware I become aware that I am aware and see myself , this then freaks me out and I get an unexplainable feeling, and my mind starts asking me questions like what am I , do I have any choice or am I just a bunch of chemicals and feels just doing their own thing, even writing this I am wondering if these thoughts are even mine or even true or is it all just a compilation of things I have read and am adopting . So who am I then?, Is the next thing I will question . And I will look at my beliefs from the point of view I am in at the moment and think, how could i believe anything else, how could I feel different to this, this feeling I have of constantly comparing things and trying to find a solid base to life, almost like at the moment I can not see a purpose to anything , but I know this will change and I will feel good again and my beliefs will change, and I will see a purpose or feel a purpose , and all this stuff will not bother me as much. but this fact in itself also bothers me because it really makes me question what I am?, if I can't make sense of all this now , how come I can when I feel better , is feeling better just a trick to distract me from the truth which is what I can see at the moment . It's like my mind can't compartmentalise and keeps trying to add all things into the model of the world but it's like they all contradict eAch other and don't fit into the model . For example people say don't worry this feeling will pass , that's fine but the fAct the the feeling will pass is also something that bothers me, because then I don't know what to believe, because when I feel like this my thoughts and beliefs tell me one thing but when I feel good they tell me another thing , so how do I know which version of me to trust/ listen to because the saying "you can't trust your thoughts" has to apply for good and bad thoughts , right?, so what am I meant to do ? . These things really confuse me and start to make me feel like I am going psychotic. And all ties back to the what am I thoughts , who am I , why do I feel like different people in one . I also then wonder what makes me do anything , do I just do it to get a chemical rush in my brain is that all I am?, even if I do something nice for someone I will wonder why I did it , then I will think we'll it made me feel good , so then did I just do that to make myself feel good, am I just some machine that does things for no reason , writing this is giving me bad anxiety I can feel it flooding my body, I start to feel like all this is true because there is no way to prove otherwise, and that other people just have not looked this deep into it and focused on these things to let them bother them, my anxiety feels like it puts my thoughts and feelings under a microscope and makes them all feel so real. I feel like I have seen to much and now I know how we process things I can not forget it , and then a part of me says it won't forget it because this knowledge is important and is the truth , but it makes me feel so paralysed . It's like I can see the way I think about everything and then question why I am thinking what I am thinking , and who is doing all this . And eventually I get so confused my mind starts racing and I feel so trapped and overwhelmed , like everything is fake and I am fake and that nothing is anything , and thinks like all of humanity is tricked because they can't see what I can see . And I do realise that all this sounds ridiculous, I know it's bull shit , however it bothers me and sucks me in even thought it's all a load of shit . I . I had to write all this at once because when I flick back to my Other state of mine I will not really be able to remember these things . Or I will not care about them and just put it down to anxiety .
Could keep going on but I think this is enough .
Written by
Adam123456
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hi , you need to stop yourself immediatly when you start to o into one of these spirals of thought.RememberYou lived your life quite happily before you became unwell.That should be your guide for what is normal for you.Everyone can be prone to excessive intospection, ,but that way lies no peace or answers.I see it that you have fur main problem areas in your thinking.First one is it seems to be obseeive, are you a type a personality does this get worse the more stressed you become?
Second, why do you seek to know all the answers of how the universe works ? No one know that .Not even stephen hawking.Yes we can all be broken down into glucose consuming individuals triggered by hormones rewards etc... but so what? What is more important is that you are a person, not what drives that person on a minute particle level.i am slightly worried by the thoughts that you can see things which others cant.That smacks to me of slight grandiosity.other people are not constantly breaking everything down to the nth degree .If they were they would probably come to your conclusion eventually.You must get a check up with your doctor in case you have an undiagnosed mental health issue.I think that by breaking everything so brutally dwn into its raw component parts uou are doing yourself no good.Do you want the love you feel for your family to feel like nothing? ,then dont make it so it feels like nothing.Love is a spectacular feat all things considered.Im sure that you could set up a functioning almost alive experiment ,glucose burning hormone driven. Etc.... and it would not feel love!! THis is how you know that things are real . TRust in those feelings ,and dont allow these other thoughts to mob your mind.I really suspect that yu are suffering greatly from stress .There is always a reason why our brains start firing all cylinders go in an unhealthy way.I would also recommend exercise at leadt 3 times a week.It has great results for easing stress. And that is always a good thing.In the interim i think you need to have a distraction to stop you going down therabbi hole.Wea a rubber band on your wrist , when you feel t starting give it a few good twangs. Jus o rdirect your awareness to another stimulus.thn say No. im not going to go there, it makes me unhappy and unhealthy.Kep saying it untill the urge to go diving eases .Rpa as needed and then do another activity.Keeping busy in a good way will help ,that doesnt mean emails ,work etc... i think that is the wrong type of distraction for your free time.Show he doctor your post. I will help him to direct your care and will ensure that he know exactly what the problem is.
Thank you for your reply . I feel humbled in the fact that you have given me your advice and took the time to process and respond to my lengthy rant .
I think you are defiantly right about the stress, I do get a lot more obsessive and do some times develope mental rituals (checking things ) when I am under a lot of pressure and let stress build up. Sometimes I find it hard to notice when i am getting excessively stressed until it is too late. But I do have a very stressful job.
I have been to the doctors multiple times over the last couple of years and have also seen a physiologist, I have told them about most of this stuff, as I had a massive fear of going insane when all this started, I have been assured time and time again that it is just anxiety and that I am sane. I always got told that if you think your going insane then your not because insane people don't know they have lost touch.
I have always had the ability to think outside the box , I have always liked this quality as it has always allowed me to be a great problem solver , I think when the anxiety kicks in , this quality kind of backfires and goes haywire, and I suppose I am trying to solve problems that are not actully problems, rather just feel like issues amplified by my anxiety .
Thanks for the advice on the introspection , you are absolutely right about everything you said , even gave me a little chuckle when I realised how tunnel vision my perspective can be sometimes .
Also I think that the fact I fear losing my mind is so strong, that I almost test myself with crazy thoughts and ideas to confirm to my self that I don't think that way , if that kind of makes sense .
Wow, I know the feeling of the long rant. I found when I had to write me that as I went on I had to write faster and faster in case I forgot something. Also as a computer program developer I had to cover off all the logical what if scenarios because that is my natural instinct having been in computer programmer for over 20 years.
Unfortunately in my case I also had the added confusion of having to deal with a partner who made me feel like everything I did was wrong. Wrong to go to the doctor, wrong not to go to the doctor, wrong to be taking medication, wrong not to be taking the medication. I ended up so tired and confused I didn't know what was going on. I also had the added problem that all the stress management and psychology techniques I used with the archers I coached and I had used while being a competitive archer stopped working for me. I not only had one voice in my head laughing at me, but several and they all seemed to disagree with each other and at times just laughed at me when I used the techniques I knew should work.
The things that I did that helped me was to spend time with my doctor explaining why I didn't want to take medication and he very patiently explained why it would be useful for me and also assured me that I wasn't stupid or daft because I was suffering from anxiety and depression. I was so against taking medication that we ended up with a compromise. He would refer me for alternative therapies and I would take the medication to help me to settle and then when I felt ready I would stop the medication with is help.
I could write a long story about my situation but instead here is a list of things that I found that helped me and I hope you may find something useful for yourself.
1. Complete a CBT program on Anxiety and Depression.
2. Added a Stress Control Class (had to do this twice because I was too tired and my brain was too muddled to make much sense of things the first time round)
3. Mindfulness walking.
4. Relaxation exercises.
5. Journaling. Most importantly noting 3 good things I did that day and also 3 things I was grateful for.
6. Critical Thought log. Used to record my thoughts to various situations and I could then analysis the negative and positives of the situation. Taught me where my thought process was going wrong
7. Anger management plan.
8. Positive affirmation notes stuck all over the house.
9. Vision Board with a view to my vision of where I will be in 3 years time. Did this along with a written set of goals.
If you want any more information on any of these and how I used them I would be more than happy to talk to you about them.
One thing I did learn though was how to let my unruly thoughts just flow through my mind, almost like they were going in one ear and out the other. If was a though about something I needed to do, like pay a bill, or be at an appointment then I wrote it down. I learned to just let the negative, unhelpful noise pass through with just a little acknowledgement almost like say "yes, I heard you , but you are not important at this time". It helped me much better than just trying to stop all thoughts.
There are so many techniques that you can use and as we are all unique it may take a certain set of techniques to work for you. I call that my mental toolbox, techniques and plans for various problems and situations.
I now have a set of steps I follow every day and then those that I use when I need to. I am still learning to improve what I use and add in a new technique occasionally as well. I changed my meditation routine from just a simple breathing exercise and I now do what is know as a 6 phase meditation.
I hope this helps you. I you want to talk you can message me.
A lot of people with depersonalizations disorder/derealisation disorder are consumed with thoughts of existence, the why's etc and it's so all consuming it's hard to look at life itself straight. I confess to not reading all of your post but know that you are not alone in those all consuming life bending bizarre thoughts. Wishing you well.
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I really need you guys right now 
anyone feel the same? need help..
Im new Thoughts and feelings.
Why can't I just be grateful !
