Since January

[Peacewithin1]

I swear since I lost my 2 friends in January.. I haven't stopped thinking about death. I was already having anxiety here n there and going through changes with my body..feeling a little depressed and then when that happened I just went downhill. Social media doesn't make it any better.

[kama24]

I truly understand. I know you are much younger than me, but as you age your mortality pops up to haunt some of us. I, unfortunately think about death every day and it is NOT pleasant. Not something to dwell on, but it still haunts me unlike many. A person can believe in after life and God yes.....but the reality of your own demise can take over your enjoyment of life. All we can do is try to accept that there is nothing we can do to control it. Pray and hope that we do not suffer and linger.

[Peacewithin1 in reply to kama24]

Yes this is me.. Everyday and it's interfering with my life. I'm truly tired of feeling afraid. Maybe with time it will go away. I don't know.

[kama24 in reply to Peacewithin1]

Yes, it has greatly diminished my enjoyment of life the past 2 yrs. I do not read the obits any more in the newspaper! It saddens me when I hear of a young person passing. I sum it up like this: I don't fear death because once you have gone there it is over with. I fear the act of dying.....the what ifs....what if there is fear, pain, lingering suffering. Since we really have no control of it is pointless to worry but yes I still do

[Peacewithin1 in reply to kama24]

That's exactly what I fear...

[kama24 in reply to Peacewithin1]

You are still young and healthy. Live every day to it's fullest if you can. I had 18 yrs thanks to Paxil, however I'm sure paying for withdrawing from it. There has to be some med or treatment that can give you some quality of life. I wish the availability had of been available when I was young.

[menagerie11]

Hello Tanae and kama24. I have the same problem. I find it quite amazing that as soon as I looked on the site tonight there you both were with posts about death. I experience considerable anxiety about it and it is interfering with my life. I believe in God and an afterlife, but the anxiety is still there. I find it hard to put out of my mind, despite the fact that I do calm breathing, visualization, writing, chores around the house and work part-time. I don't read the obits. any more either. Ironically, I was asked to write an obit. for a friend of a friend, which I did. I got the sense that the reality of their own mortality had not really struck home, or maybe they are able to handle it better. So for me, it's trying to just do things as normally as I can and trying to live my life...but it's hard when the fear is never far away.

[Peacewithin1 in reply to menagerie11]

Yes trying to stay busy and avoid the topic is what I have been doing but I can't seem to shake the thought now that it's in my mind.

[kama24 in reply to menagerie11]

I hear you Menagerie11 I always feel so alone with my off balanced thinking, then when I read I am not the only one it makes me take notice an think. How did we get this way, why us? My fear of death started in earnest about age 12. It has however realllllllly grew now that I'm well into my senior years. I just don't want to linger and suffer, but there is no guarantee. There is no support groups in our city for panic disorder. CBT classes didn't help. I just deal with it day by day.

[menagerie11 in reply to kama24]

Hi again. I have been struggling with the issue of dying for years; it recedes and then years later it returns. I, too, am into my senior years. I am slowly coming to realise that all of us are on a journey through this world and in my case, I believe that we are on a journey towards heaven, and that we need to make the most and best of the time we have here on earth. I used to work for palliative care, and I had a friend who was on the palliative care program, and if it's of any comfort, there are AMAZING resources available through palliative care to ease pain and symptoms, as well as provide emotional and spiritual support. Sorry that there are no support groups where you are for panic disorder. Have you tried on-line resources. There are some really good videos on Youtube.

[menagerie11 in reply to menagerie11]

As for why us, from what I understand, there may be a biological or genetic basis for anxiety disorders, along with environmental factors, life stresses and sensitive personalities.

[kama24 in reply to menagerie11]

They did just find a nodule on my one adrenal gland....I have to see a specialist.....NOT looking forward to it, and thinking the worse

[kama24 in reply to menagerie11]

hi, we are twins....I try to logic with myself that every living thing will one day pass along but it doesn't stop FEAR!! I know that we should make the most of ea day we have, but that still doesn't work for me with fear. I did take a CBT course at our local hospital...everything did make sense but still I have panic/anxiety. I have no relatives other than husband/daughter but she is not near. I realize I'm luckier than many to have them but feel very alone in this. I think I've tried everything I've heard of....panic disorder certainly can control you. I am terrified of drs. and being in a hosp., also being put under anesthetic...at times feel so embarrassed of being such an old coward!

[menagerie11 in reply to kama24]

Yup, we are twins! The fear just comes of its own accord sometimes. I, too, have a husband who tries to be supportive but really doesn't understand the fear. My daughter is not near either, although we communicate daily by facebook or skype. She is very supportive, but the fear comes anyhow. The one thing that we don't share is your fear of doctors and being in a hospital. I find it reassuring to have ready access to medical help if I need it. I have never been put under anesthetic except when I was a child for tonsils. I don't really have a fear of that (yet!). I am an old coward too, so you are not alone! I suspect there are many others who feel the same way but we don't hear from them. It's hard, I know. But we have to keep going anyhow and hold onto those times when we feel relatively fear-free. If the CBT didn't work the first time, maybe it would work the second time? Have you thought about trying it again? What about seeing a psychologist who specialises in health and death anxiety? I am seeing one and it is helping somewhat. Hang in there, kama24 and just do one thing at a time as you are able. Sending blessings and prayers to you.

[kama24 in reply to menagerie11]

Yes!! The fear just "is not there one minute but consuming you the next"! No rhyme or reason, no controlling it. I call my husband "my rock" but I know how difficult it must get listening to me day after day! Heck I get sick of myself!! Our daughter phones 2x a week but they lead a busy life, and deal with my one granddaughters health issues daily. Logically I tell myself the safest place to be IS IN the hospital...nurse on call, ER dr. on call, but it's the feeling of I'm not in control, I can't get out if I want to......though I could break out lol Iffffffff I have to have this growth on my adrenal gland removed I honestly have NO idea how I will cope with fear. Yesterday & today were not too bad so I try to enjoy every moment when the going is good. I did get a lot out of the CBT, ie ways to look at situations, distraction methods, buttttttt you need to have the stamina to go with them, my mind has a mind of it's own lol I go to a physciatrist who has me on meds.....I went to one out of town for about 8 yrs, a great man, very caring. Eventually due to health had to give up practice. I went solo for several yrs but finally go in with a new local one. He is young, different than my other one.....it's like I do all the talking he just listens. My lst one was one who shared, life stories and experiences. thank you so much for responding. You also hang tough, like the old saying "you have nothing to fear but fear itself!"...how true!!!

[menagerie11 in reply to kama24]

Hi again! Maybe we are control freaks! I was in the hospital for a while and although I appreciated the security while they were sorting out my meds., I had issues with not being in control. Mind you, I was so scared at that point that I could not have been in control of a paper bag, never mind anything else. If your current psychiatrist is not sharing stories and experiences, I wonder if you could find a peer support worker in your area - someone who has had similar issues to yours and who would be willing to have a dialogue, or a peer support group? If you have to have surgery, you are going to need extra help to cope, I would think (I would!). If you could start to create a support network for yourself, that might help. I have a psychiatrist, psychologist, and priest whom I am seeing. I also plan on joining a support group. I've never done that before, but I am going to do whatever I have to do to reduce my anxiety. Have a good night, restful sleep and I hope tomorrow is a really good day for you. Blessings.

[kama24 in reply to menagerie11]

Thank you so much for your support. On top of my panic disorder, I am dealing with the daily nausea when I wake (EVERY day) that I have had for almost 2 yrs now. It all started when I was slowly weaned off a med I'd been on for 18 yrs. The nausea being so severe at times and there the min. I open my eyes causes anxiety to grip me, often along with uncontrollable shaking. I'm like you I'm certainly not a person who likes to be the one in control, but I would like to be able to control my mind. Right now, after so long, I know the nausea does set off the feeling of panic. I do try to keep busy with things to keep my mind off it, but kind of difficult to do things when you feel you want to vomit but don't. I went once to a local agency where they discussed your situation with you. The lady ended up saying I knew more about panic disorder than her! My poor husband hears me talking about the same thing over and over ea day. He is really my support and I have a neighbour who is there if I need to vent. Only thing is they can do nothing to help. I have always felt I am one who needs meds thus the physciatrist. We live in a small town and not a lot of options. You can call a certain # and get a 24 hr on line person who will listen but that is all they can do. My mother was in a very difficult health situation from the time I was 4 yrs old. Broken neck from car accident. Much of my youth was going with them to different drs. in other cities (only to no avail). We would go to visit relatives on weekends, and always to the cemetery. It seemed like we went to funerals, hospitals and grave side services a LOT. Also back then people were laid out in their living rooms and I remember being told they were just sleeping. My lst physciatrist felt my subjection to so much death at a young age is what caused my deep fear of death. I do believe in God but even the panic overcomes my faith in Him. I wish I had one close friend in town. Believe it or not I have 3 friends of over 50 yrs......they live in England, Holland and a big city 3 1/2 hrs away!!! I saw another web site in our local paper (a very young local girl died unexpectedly in Cuba while on grad vacation with her friends so they posted it). I am going to explore what they offer. I hope you have a good day.

[menagerie11 in reply to kama24]

Hi again. I wake up with anxiety every morning and take meds. First thing. Then do calm breathing. I don't calm down until the 2nd set of meds. At noon. I listen to calmimg music and avoid the news. And I pray. It's a hard start to the day. I also listen to affirmations to overcome panic. I am hoping that with repeated practice it will help over time. Have you tried anything for the nausea? Ginger sometimes helps. It sounds like you had a hard childhood. Trauma in childhood contributes to anxiety dìsorders. Have you seen a therapist? They can be quite helpful. Hope today is a good day for you and that the anxiety is low. Remember to breathe deep calming breaths. Blessings upon you this day

[kama24 in reply to menagerie11]

Yes, I take my meds at morning, noon, after supper. I've tried breathing but no matter how I try or who tries to help me I hyperventilate and am worse off ...can't even do that right lol so I don't attempt it any more. I have the radio on low all day as music does help make one feel less alone. I do have 2 pets and often talk to them lol I tried ginger tea and crystalized ginger, it just burnt my mouth and made things worse. My mother pushed herself to do things and go places for my sake. I remember in my later adult life she confided to me she would ask God to please let her be able to get me through to adult hood....she did. I did have a wonderful loving childhood, other than so many relatives dealing with health and death....which I think warped me and my outlook on death. I have gone to a physciatrist for about 25 yrs now!! It is 2:25pm here now and the "fear" did diminish about noon hr.....I very much appreciate your kindness.

[menagerie11 in reply to kama24]

Glad to hear that the fear diminished and hope it stays that way for the rest of the day. I am having a bit of a rough day myself today but hoping that it will improve as the day progresses. Thankfully, breathing does help me so I am going to do some calm breathing and listen to calming music right now.

[kama24 in reply to menagerie11]

I know it will be back but the last 2 years with the nausea have been the worse. When it weans I do the dance of joy and try to make hay while the sun shines (an old expression of my grandmother!). I have CDs with music and sounds of nature on them and they are calming. It often boggles my mind that there seem to be so many like us in the world, but then 40, 50 years ago, no problems like ours (and MANY more) were even recognized!

[Hidden]

Sorry you are going through this. I understand. I worry about this concerning my daughter. I think she gonna leave this world at any moment to. I lost two babies so I cherish her like no other. I also worry about myself with storms and tornadoes. I don't fear death but the suffering right before. I think it's normal, especially with anxiety patients. Hope you find your way through this. I know I said I was done here but I care so much.

[Peacewithin1 in reply to Hidden]

One day we'll be able to get through this. I'm trying to look at it as a season... a really long one that will soon pass. I'm sorry for your losses. I'm also happy you have your daughter... what a blessing.

[kama24 in reply to Hidden]

I am truly sorry about the loss of 2 babies. I cannot imagine the sorrow. My mother always said you cannot truly understand another's situation unless you have walked in their shoes. How true. Is your daughter in good health? We thankfully have never had a tornadoe in our area nor very damaging storms. Last (end of hurricaine) Hurriaine Hazel was over 60 yrs ago and I remember it as a young girls...I hid behind the chesterfield!! YES, it is what comes BEFORE our demise that I fear. I don't want my last conscious thought to be FEAR! Thank you for replying.

[Hidden]

Thank you. Yes children are a blessing. She is the reason I am still here. I was thinking to get better for her.

[Peacewithin1 in reply to Hidden]

You Will Get better!

[menagerie11]

Hello again. It's hard to avoid the topic sometimes. However, let's choose to focus on life and the everyday stuff of life and immerse ourselves in that as much as possible. We are all walking this journey together and it's a blessing to have caring people walking it with us. Now I am off to walk my dogs and to try to do something productive with the rest of my day, even if it's a small productive thing, like organising papers. We need to get better for the loved ones in our lives. One step at a time and we will get there. Blessings upon you today.

[Peacewithin1 in reply to menagerie11]

You are absolutely right. Thank You and blessings to you too.

[capedlitigator]

I lost my two best friends in July of last year. Starting the day my marriage ended. I understand. Ever need to talk, let me know.

[Peacewithin1 in reply to capedlitigator]

Wow sorry to hear that. It's not easy to deal with. I think I have a lot built up in me. I lost people that were much closer to me than these 2 people and I didn't feel this way. I cared for these 2 deeply but they weren't as close as the others. I really don't get it.

[capedlitigator in reply to Peacewithin1]

Perhaps it was the accumulation of many things?