New to this so here it goes!!
I am 20 years old, 21 in August I'm from Ireland! Living in a very rural area! I'm writing this because I know I am suffering from anxiety and depression but trying to hold it away. I never used to be this bad, I always was shy in school but always had my friends. In secondary school I did get bullied by girls and I think it's been pretty much since then it's been there nagging me. I finished school 4 years ago. I went to college for 1 year, hated it, I dreaded going in every day, i felt sick in my stomach going on the bus in every day because I didn't enjoy it. I have known for a very long time I am suffering from social anxiety.. I haven't been told but I just know it. I have been going out with my boyfriend for 4 years now. He is my best friend. I'm lucky to have him, recently I've got a bit worse and now I'm only starting to come out more and tel him how I am really feeling inside. He does understand and he told me I should defiently seek help, I know he is here for me but I know he won't be able to help me as much as a therapist or DR. So, really am .... we hang out with lots of the lads (my boyfriends friends) a lot that would be my 'friends' too but not recently I have been hearing a lot just that they talk a lot BS behind my back and it really put me down even more being around them now. My boyfriends brother has a girlfriend also there Engaged now and she has never liked me from day 1. I am always very nice to her and as people must know I am very very shy and I find it so hard to talk to people. I just know she doesn't like me she makes times for every one else but not me , my boyfriends other brother has a new girlfriend now and the engaged girlfriend has so much time for the new one and I just don't know what is wrong with me that no one makes time for me? I get weird looks when I'm out, if I'm out enjoying myself with my boyfriend dancing she would give dirty looks nd say small diggs like get a room ... While she dancing and kisses her boyfriend . I just don't get it. It's like I can't be happy? It's now xmas Eve and I can't believe I am writing this . I came home from being in the pub with my boyfriend few relations there of his and the girls, I felt horrible there so out of place even though I've been around forever ? I felt like they were All giving me such bad looks like I had 10 heads and no one would talk to me . We went early . I felt like I was going to just beak down. So it got me writing this. I am really dreading xmas day tomorrow as we go from my house to his house and family and as this I have to be around the few people that don't like me . It's hard sitting there because last year we were all there and I saw that 2 of the girls were actually texting about me over and back while I as there n the room and they would smerk at each other . I felt so upset but couldn't do anything because every one was there n the room. I just feel so hopeless really anymore I hate going out I can't go to the shop alone , I hate it, I feel like people stare at me that I'm ugly I can't go out without makeup .. People say I look lovely on a night out I feel like there lying and then I see them looking at me and laughing if I'm dancing or just being normal. I know I do need to talk to someone but I'm finding it very hard to get the confidence to. Right now I just feel sick and weak and I dread every minute of every day . My hands shake if we are out with the girls that stand there together Looking at me or trying to be all'fake' I get so upset I literally start to shake. I feel like I just can't handle much more of it anymore and need to talk to someone and seek help. I'm not sure will I stop them from not liking me but I hope it does. It's ruining my life , and especially living in such a small place every one knows everyone, aloft of people talk about people around here.its not Nice atal. I get a lot of headaches and feeling sick. I recently had a good 'friend' which I found out she was actually just using me because I bought her fags all the time and food, apparently she only felt sorry for me because I have no friends and apparently I'm a freak, I just feel so low after hearing stuff like that and I don't know why people talk about me so badly . I'm such a quite girl & always nice to everyone . They say stuff like I don't let me boyfriend go out if we don't go out one weekend because he says he is wrecked from work , but everyone blames me ??? I seem to always get the blame and the looks and everything that is going and i never ever used to be like this .also there is a girl going out with my boyfriends brother now for a while and my boyfriends brothers girlfriend that I was talking about up there ^ loves her and always asking her to meet up but never me .. even tho I have been in the family for years now ? I just don't get it
Someone please reply
I couldn't type everything that's only half of what I have to deal with with the people here.