I work in a vet hospital. A lot of what I'm going through is work related, feelings of being invisible, not important, overlooked and just not respected. I am beginning to question how real my emotions are and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing. Like, I don't know if what I'm seeing is really as bad as I see it maybe? I tend to catastrophize (if that's a word?) and trigger stack a lot. Little things begin to pile up and become one massive thing. I had some kind of attack on Tuesday, I don't know if it was anxiety or panic, but I was sitting in my car outside my job sobbing for 10 minutes at the thought of going to work. I walked in, walked to the back, turned around and walked right back out.
I spoke with my manager and we have agreed that I'll stay for another week (up to 2) and we are parting on good terms. I walked out on my boss today (not the one I talked to the other day) because he ignored my pleas to defer a client because we didn't have the staff to help them and he said yes to me then admitted the client anyways. I cried all the way home and had a panic attack because I'm terrified of my next steps. I may have to travel further to a place that isn't easily accessible by transit should my bucket of a car fail on me. I may have to take a pay cut and I'm afraid my bills will fall behind. I had an attack again when I started to trigger stack all of the cruddy stuff I'm dealing with at work and at home.
I feel like everything is pushing down on me and I can't push back. I feel buried, unimportant, like I'm a failure and that I don't matter to my job, which makes me feel like I don't matter in general. I feel like I'm drowning and I don't see a rope anywhere, just empty ocean. 😔