first off I was fired from my job last year due to a load of bull shit you will have to believe it was not my fault I could have taken them to court but the government changed the law to make sure people without the funds cannot have access to justice. I then had nervous breakdown I'm still recovering. I care for my wife who was diagnosed with M.S in 2013 I have been able to care for her more since I was fired. I want to go to work but I am honestly feeling too fucked up in so many ways I don't know how to face it I feel so guilty and useless I have no confidence since I was fired they took away my career my money my identity, 10 years of work just for nothing. I feel guilty for wanting to work my wife is better off with me helping her.
I have had anxiety and depression since I was a child, my dad was an alcoholic and had bi-poler he made my mum and I homeless when I was 18, by luck my grandparents took us in. my older brother and sister had already left home before dad started the drink and had happy teenage years they are both quite wealthy now (I mean like own several properties and big banker bonus wealthy) and I am stuck on carers allowance, I should not be bitter but I really honestly am. I love my wife I will never leave or hurt her no matter how bad the M.S gets I love her so much she is what keeps me going.
I get out of bed in the morning and wonder what am I supposed to be doing?
I keep having flashbacks of the people and the backstabbing and lies that got me fired I cant stand it, it makes me hate people and I try to me kind but all I get is shit.
I feel guilty we live on the benefits but also know we deserve them because of my wife's M.S it is a horrible cruel illness. I feel guilty because I want to work - I do voluntary work with disabled people twice a week but when I do that my wife stays home alone I feel guilty and worried leaving her. I feel depressed because caring for my wife does not pay into my private pension this might sound selfish but I see my future after a life of giving love, care and kindness as a lonely poor old man.
my anxiety is triggered by, money, new people, being away from home too long, interviews, the post, the news, thinking I offend people, the DWP, the vet, sex, family get together and many other every day things. tonight again I feel like I have gone mad in an even madder world