Too Long to Read- Exhausted

Just needed to get on paper how I'm feeling right now....

I get super super tired, chronic fatigue, numbness/ discomfort / cotton wool feeling in my fingers/ feet & legs. Pain in my shoulders & when I don't rest enough, I experience the most terrible spasms in my back, (they are so painful, I almost keel over & can't even speak). I have anxiety attacks & can't seem to make sense of what needs to be done, just chasing my tail running in circles trying to get even the most mundane things done. Right now I am tired of being tired, mentally exhausted- yesterday my brain just stopped functioning- I just wanted to cry & scream, as no one really listens/ supportive.

Mums decided she wants to take me on holiday this week for my birthday- I've spent last 3-4 days just searching the Internet trying to get a last minute reasonable deal (school holidays)! My boyfriend has been pestering me every day to give him dates of my availability (so he can take me away or do something) I am tired of telling him, that until my mums booked holiday I don't know. I just cried yesterday & told him, I really can't manage everyday with his pressure & refusal to listen.

So spent the day yesterday trailing around travel agents with mum, nothing really- so mums now saying 'oh we could just get a ferry & go Holland or somewhere/ book accommodation separately, spend hours travelling.... 'Mother that is not a holiday for me, I am mentally & physically exhausted - I simply don't have the energy to arrange everything right now'

All these conversations going round my head along with sheer embarassment of not being able to cope & needing to find somewhere to slump.

I finally snapped & said it- 'the best holiday for me would be just to have a couple of days of complete rest, sleep & even just enjoy the sun in my own garden, without the pressures or worries of the roof, guttering, all the leaks & repairs, searching for tradesman/ handyman ......

Came home & just slept, lying in bed now with no pressures or having to fit in with boyfriends timings & rushing around to keep him sweet.

I'm just having desperately needed 'me time'

I simply don't have the energy or strength to keep pleasing everybody else anymore- I have the invisible disease- MS

On the exterior I look 'normal' , but struggle each & every day to get through the most mundane things. My cognitive abilities are slowly deteriorating, my brain 'hurts' when I have to concentrate for more than 10 minutes.... today I want no one to sap my few strands of energy or drain me physically & emotionally. It's about ME today, I will stay in bed as long as I need to without anyone making me feel guilty & I shall slowly 'potter' & get some mundane jobs done, instead of allowing more to just pile up whilst I pretend to be 'normal' & run around tending to everyone else's requirements. I HATE having MS, stolen EVERYTHING from me

5 Replies

  • It is always good to have 'me time'. It seems your body is truly exhausted and just needed rest. Anxiety is horrible and with the pressure of your boyfriend and mother, it's understandable you snapped.

    It's nice that your mother wanted a holiday but you should also think about yourself and your wellbeing. I'm glad you told her what you truly wanted and hopefully you will feel better after resting. Make sure to pace yourself and be selfish for once :) Think about you and how you feel.

    Hope you feel better soon.

  • Thank you :)

    Mum just sulked & went home :/

    She refuses to accept I have medical conditions & expects me to function as normal like I did decide the MS. I have fortnightly CBT sessions but no one really asks what's going on with my cognitive abilities, anxiety & the subsequent depression I am sinking into - apologies just needed to let it all out x

  • No worries :) She'll understand soon. When I first got anxiety at the age of 14 my mother did not want to believe it. Now I'm 16 and she understands more and wants to offer help.

    She probably doesn't want to accept it as deep down, it might upset her. That isn't your fault :) Its just she worries about you.

  • Wow Reba

    You sound so grown up for a 16 year old

    Many Thanks :) xx

  • Thank you :)

    I'm here if you need someone to vent too.

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