New here. Fellow anxiety sufferer.

[PamelaAbby82]

Hi all! I am so glad I've found this community. I've suffered from anxiety and panic attacks most of my life. I'm 34, I have a two year old daughter, a husband and a part time job. My husband and daughter are the light in my lifetime of shadows cast by my struggle with PTSD and social anxiety. I am a survivor of CSA and physical abuse all from my father. When I was 12 my mother had a massive heart attack in front of me and died the next day. Needless to say, my anxiety has deep roots. I'm currently in therapy (again) and only work outside of my house 16 hours a week. My anxiety is ever present and flares up without warning occasionally. I had a full on panic attack at work yesterday without warning. Needless to say, it was the ever familiar dance of embarrassment and explaining myself to my bosses. Even though the experience was mired in disappointment and embarrassment, I consider it somewhat of a victory because I stuck it out after the worst of it passed and worked the full shift. Albeit in tears. I'm beginning to wonder if I should consider medication again. My anxiety was off the charts while I was pregnant. My OB had me on Zoloft. I stopped taking it a year ago. I wasn't a fan of the side effects I had especially if I forgot to take it a few days. Anyway, that's my story. I'm grateful this site exists. Forgive me for any misspelling as I am tending to my daughter simultaneously.

[teemarie]

Hi! I am new here too just a few days and it is such a help! I am sorry for your loss, I know how it feels although mine happened later in life its still the same impact. I dont have experience on the medicine end but Im glad you found this group!

[PamelaAbby82 in reply to teemarie]

Thank you! It's good to know there's support out there. And that we are not alone. I do okay when I'm home. Work makes me so anxious that i just now got a tight chest and tingling arms talking about work to my husband. I barely work at all and do not function well there. It's so embarrassing and frustrating. In my twenties I drank very often to offset my anxiety. I think that's the only way I was able to hold down a full time job. Luckily, I never developed a dangerous dependency and was able to stop my recreational activities once I became a mother without struggle. Only, now that I don't self medicate, I struggle to control my anxiety and attacks sneak up without warning.

[teemarie in reply to PamelaAbby82]

I work from home but last month I took up a 2nd night time job. I had to quit because of my anxiety. Do you not like your job? Or the people? Or just nervous generally?

[PamelaAbby82 in reply to teemarie]

I do have one boss who has very little patience when he sees me looking nervous. He was especially difficult when I was having severe anxiety with my pregnancy. I had near daily panic attacks while I was pregnant and was trying to work full time. I used a lot of PTO during that time.

I've had panic attacks periodically in school and at work since I was about 13 years old. So, it generally social anxiety for me. But, knowing my one boss is very annoyed triggers it to be worse. I've worked for this company for 9 years. They've worked with my schedule and allow me to work very flexible and little hours. As I said, in my twenties I basically drank regularly to offset my anxiety. I also smoked pot in those days. I no longer smoke at all. I stopped the moment I found out I was pregnant. And I rarely drink more than one or two beers a week. I want to be a fully present and law abiding mother. Giving those things up was easy. But, not having a vice has caused my social anxiety to flare up more often. I know my vices were not healthy. I also know survivors of abuse often seek them out. I also have a history of eating disorders and promiscuity. All of that has been replaced with a loving marriage and a beautiful daughter. But, my anxiety is worse. I regularly exercise and see a therapist. I feel broken. And the guilt I feel from having this disorder, even though I've gotten my life on track and have a loving family, is sometimes unbearable.

[teemarie in reply to PamelaAbby82]

Awe love you are not alone! Focus on the positives! And you know what if your boss is annoyed? Fuck him. (Sorry for the language) You have to focus on yourself and this is a mental health issue its not like your showing up and not focusing. Obviously you are a ASSET to your company as you have been there for long. And yes I know where you are coming from about social anxiety I have had it my whole life. I never had alot of friends but a few close ones. Your a different person now and trying to be the best you can be. Its hard to recognize that though with anxiety because anxiety tells you everything that could go wrong WILL GO WRONG. it will not. Last year my fiancee went to jail for six months leaving me with two boys alone and I drank to cope with it. Never with my kids present. I realized that was not helping anything and stopped. It is very important to know that you are loved and you are doing the best you can. I got anxiety when I was pregnant with my littlest one and it was life changing. I felt like it was the end. Sometimes my anxiety makes me depressed and I feel like yup this is it. Id rather not burden my family anymore. But my family loves me and needs me especially my kids. Im proud of you because your vices are hard to beat. Dont let it define you though, just accept it. You grow up!