New Relationship (complicated) and Health Anxiety Returned

[stressedoutlady]

Hi all

Long story short, I was married for 10 years to an abusive man. He still tries to control me with threats etc but I am coping with that pretty much. Problem is last year I started dating a new man who I used to know years ago from uni. He is lovely but two main problems: 1. His job - he works every day except Saturdays and 2. He lives 1 hr 40 mins away. This makes getting quality time together very difficult indeed. The current pattern is that we usually see each other weekend (when I don't have my kids); he'll drive down on Friday evening and leave Sunday lunchtime for work. More difficult for me as I have a dog. I have been up to him a few times and have met his friends and parents who are all fab. 

Problem is, I just don't know how this can develop into a meaningful relationship? As much as I want it to, I just don't see how it's going to work. He is 39 and has never been engaged/married; he says this is because he has never found 'The One' but I am not sure this is entirely true. His job as it is a big sticking point beause he's head of his department and his working hours are ridiculously anti-social (see above). Before I split with my ex-husband I became very poorly indeed with health anxiety and now it is starting to creep back up on me big time. My main worries now have now shifted from things like cancer to STD's/HIV etc. Dr Google has as usual really not helped and I keep looking for symptoms and convinced I have them. 

I am so scared I am going back downhill. Please help.

L xx

[Hidden]

Hello

First is it this relationship that is making you go down hill again and is it just the things you have mentioned 

Now I was married at 16 had 2 Daughters he did not treat me as he should and after 10 years it ended 

I then went on to meet someone else who was nearly 6 years younger than me , had no kids and no he had never bothered with a relationship because he said he was waiting for the right one and 23 years married with a Son of our own he is still here so some men must mean it when they say they were waiting for the right one because this one obviously did and you have no prove other than your anxiety maybe wanting to take any happiness away from you that this man does not mean it 

Now the distance thing 

I have a friend who was in exactly the same position as you , she found someone , had kids , he lived nearly 2 hours away , he had a important job that he could not leave and they commuted for 6 years ! 

They could not spend as much time as they would have liked to but like she used to say she had the best of both worlds , a man that loved her yet still time to have her own space without the hard work  of washing his socks , cooking his tea and everything else that they come with lol 

But as the relationship went on and the kids she had got older they got to spend more time together and now they got married last year and they have got a house together in between where they both live and she is as happy as can be so it can work but you have to ask yourself is this what you want and are you ready 

I always used to find that when I was happy my anxiety would kick of , I wonder if it is low self esteem so as soon as things look better we believe something will go wrong and what better to feed this fear than focusing in on our health and then of course who knows even better than Dr Google lol 

Try and stay of you know it feeds the fear and I think that is what anxiety does draws us to it , I am sure you have none of those things you believe you have 

Have you spoken to your Doctor only they can reassure you and examine and do tests if they thought necessary  even if just to give you peace of mind and at the same time if you are not getting any support with your anxiety you could ask maybe about some therapy 

As for the ex , as I used to say about mine he is the ex for a reason because he did not treat me right and once we have built up the courage to get rid of them and in my case divorce them what would be the point if we still let them control our life's 

I know it can be difficult as they have got used to knowing how to control us and what our weaknesses are but I got to the stage where I would make it clear he was the Father of my girls and he could pick them up but as for me well he was nothing to me , they put up a struggle because I think it is the shock as well as anger but eventually they get used to it 

Hope you sort out what you want and it works out for you

Take Care x

[stressedoutlady in reply to Hidden]

Awwwwwwww Bounce! Thanks so much-you're so kind to have bothered to have left such a detailed reply! It is reassuring to know that you are now happy with your man and that men who haven't been necessarily in a committed relationship before can make good partners. Perhaps it is true that he has never found 'The One'? He told me the other day he loved me and tbh I was shocked; problem is, because of my past, I just don't believe him. I don't really think I'll find anybody that really loves me. 

I desperately wish I could be with him more often as he makes me so incredibly happy. But I don't want to say I love him in case he breaks my heart so I won't! I keep thinking at the back of my head, what if he is just using me? What if he won't ever commit? What if he's not prepared to ever move or be with me more? I mean, don't get me wrong, I never want to get married again and I don't really want any more kids (I'm 35 as it is!) but I do want someone who loves me and that I can love back. The uncertainty just scares me so much.

Out of interest, how did your bloke knew he had eventually found 'The One'? And how do you ever know really? 

Thanks again, you are a lovely person

L x

[Hidden in reply to stressedoutlady]

Hello

Was just logging of when I saw your reply 

There is a bonus when you get a man that has never committed to a relationship you can mold them into what you want lol 

Seriously though he is one in a million and i mean that , all the bad things he has restored any doubts I used to have but I had to give him a chance and yes it was hard because like you I thought and the ex had brain washed me into believing I was un love able  but you know we are far from that because think about it why would the ex put you down , they must be fearful you are to good fr them and you might go so they keep us down to keep hold of us because they are insecure they are the one's with bigger problems than we have they just are to stupid to know it !

Also someone said to me don't judge every man on your ex or how is that fair did think yes that is a valid point 

I don't know if this will be the one for you but if you are enjoying what you have now why not grab happiness's while you have it  

Well I said I was never going to get married again , that saying never say never because here I am married 23 years this year and I also said I never wanted any more kids having had 2 but here I am with 3 ( even though all adults now ) and my last one I enjoyed so much bringing him up because I had a good man by my side that gave me the confidence to be me

All the what " if's " again someone asked me if I knew what true love was , I was so offended , I said yes of course I do , they said well then if you love him truly you know that it comes unconditionally ....I thought o heck that again is so true , hard I know because we fear getting hurt but still true 

The other one I had said which made me think was when someone said a relationship does not come with a guarantee it is not a washing machine but you have to enjoy what you have and you can worry all you want and make yourself miserable to find that you did not enjoy what you had because you let the fear win or you can get on with it and if he lets you down then narrow escape because you will know he was not the person you thought he was and you were in love with someone that never existed ...all these things I took on board and it did help me to start to trust again 

I was always honest with him to , I would tell him what I was afraid of and what I was thinking and it helped because that way he knew what he needed to do to help support me and he did and he is still here all these years later 

How did he no I was the one 

Well first thing that comes to mind he must have been mad picking me lol 

He said he had always been looking for someone he could trust that was loving and caring and he said the moment he met me he knew I was all those things he had been waiting for

Best log of now it is 1 in the morning here lol 

Take Care x