Not the man I used to be.

[Joe1979]

Hello world.My names Joe.I'm 36 years old,and from New York.I see lots of people who seem to be struggling,or suffering very similar to what I've been feeling.From the beginning of my life I couldn't ask for a better childhood,friends and family.I was raised Catholic in an Italian family.I was always surrounded by good people which instilled good morals in myself.I was raised to have a heart,be understanding and not to judge people.The day I experienced what death really was was when my sister Tina was killed in a car accident.She was 21,and I was 10.She was loved by everybody.The entire town was at her funeral,lined around the block.Anyways,that's the only time I seen my father cry which changed me inside.It changed how I looked at things.So time goes on.I'm 17 now going to summer school living with my father,mother and brother.My father would take me to summer school and would by me lunch everyday.This particular day I had 7 or 8 dollars I was planning on buying a six pack for a pool party that night.Long story short he said I had to buy my own lunch,which pissed me off.There were other things I was mad about with him.But when I was talking to my mother about everything I said"I just wish he would die".So I go to the pool party and was feeling pretty good when I got home.I said goodnight mom,and being mad at my father I walked upstairs and stopped halfway up the stairs turned over my shoulder....something was telling me to say goodnight to him but I didn't because I was still mad.About quarter after 1 I'm woke up to my mother and younger brother screaming.I run downstairs to see my father in his underwear lying on the kitchen floor having a massive heart attack.I'm trying to perform cpr with my mother.All i could do is tell him I loved him over and over.It was the most violent thing I've ever seen.Stick a garden hose in your throat and turn it on high,but with blood and tissue.This is where I think anxiety comes in because from that day 19 years ago I have thought about death constantly.Damn near every minute my mind isn't occupied by the modern world.Its effected my life in so many ways that's another story.How do I turn it off.People say don't think about,think of happy shit.I do,but I have this dominating thought of dying,people who have died,how people have died,when and how am I going to die,am I going to die before my brother.......and on and on.Am I going to go to hell because I am a sinner!WTF.Do I need to be on medicine?Does that take the thought and visions I've seen away?Any advice?Thanks for listening.

[BettyA]

Hell is a made up by MANKIND story to control people using Fear as a very powerful technique... It took me many years of my life to overcome the horrible damage religion did to me... this is one of the root causes of MANY people's anxiety and depression. Religious teachings can be double edged sword...it can help...or it can destroy... Trust me, I understand what you are going through.

Joe, you sound like a very nice, caring, sensitive person... I am so sorry you are going through this...

Would you....please....consider this, please: Please visit with your dr and ask him/her if he would put you in touch with a good therapist...YES, you CAN afford it...it will work out somehow...

You are not 'crazy'...just desperately in need of true understanding...you need to be able to talk freely not to a friend or relative, but to someone trained to help you in a way that you truly deserve to be helped...and you DO deserve it...never, ever doubt that. I want to wish you much luck and many blessings... Please, do all that you can to seek help...you so truly deserve and need this. Peace.

BettyA

[Allyson1]

I don't think you absolutely must be on medicine. Only if you feel it helps you.

I don't think this sounds like a medical condition. Medicine may make you feel Different because it interferes with the ability to perceive emotions. This can be helpful or harmful, depending on the individual situation.

What medicine won't do, is erase experiences. That way lies addiction. You are having these thoughts and feelings because of your particular experiences. You do not need to blame yourself or be hard on yourself for that.

What you are feeling is trauma. Trauma is when we lose or are faced with losing something deeply important to us: our loved ones, our safety, our connections in the world, our lives.

When we are faced with this monumental danger or loss, and we don't know how to navigate or make peace with it, the trauma can get overwhelming. It can last a very long time. The effects can reverberate through the years and make us feel even more uncertain and isolated.

We end up stuck and overwhelmed and desperately searching for a way to feel safe again. But because trauma is very complex, it's hard to do that on our own.

My view of dealing with trauma is that the best way forward is to (re)build a sense of safety, love, and connection. Traumatic experiences are life-changing, and the feelings are so overwhelming, it's easy to blame yourself. I found it helpful to learn about ptsd and how it works. I stopped blaming myself for my feelings and instead focused on understanding more about them and what the trauma meant to my life. That doesn't mean that the loss is not painful to me. It does mean that I can rebuild my sense of self and love in my relationships.

It seems clear to me that your father loved you, and knew you loved him, and that there is love in your family. The loss of your sister and father is tragic, but it is not your fault.

I'm not a doctor and I don't presume to know your particular situation. But I have dealt with ptsd for may years, and I want you to know that any suggestions I make, I make with the utmost respect for what you've experienced and how you feel about it. I've tried to say things the best I know how.

I think it's important to find a therapist who truly specializes in trauma and doesn't necessarily push medications. The specialty is key because trauma takes patience and understanding. A more general therapist who doesn't truly treat trauma might not be helpful because they might lack insight and leave you feeling frustrated and unheard.

I truly hope this is helpful.

[steadfast66]

Well Joe. There are some circumstances we can not control. There's an old saying, "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." You can not change the past. However, you l can decide to have a better future by not dwelling on the past--what's done is done. If you ask God to forgive you, He will. Try to consecrate on living...everyone dies a physical death. Since you haven't died yet, make good use of the time you are alive. I know it is easier said than done to get something out of your mind. Been there, done that. Please see a good therapist to talk things through; I think this will make you feel better.

[vianna11]

Hi Joe I think therapy is the best they help a lot and you will get better. I did counseling when I went thru some other stuff in my life and it helped a lot. Good luck and god bless

[SAMBS]

Hi joe, I'm so sorry to I saw our post title a few hours ago and should have looked At it then. I'm also sorry to read about your family losses.

Like you I was brought up Catholic, but in boarding and other schools in the UK. I retired, and live in France now. My faith has always stayed with me, but I confess I'm a non practising one. If you remember, we were taught God is everywhere, so my philosophy is I can pray to him anywhere , anytime I want to and I do, with the belief he's helping me, and encouraging me to help others. The other Catholic laws about going to church and what happens if you don't, are the man made ones!

You have lost two very close and loved family members - I think you have not yet grieved properly for your sister, and are now racked with guilt over your Dad. Neither one is your fault or responsibility, life and s...t happens, "in the Midst of life we are in death" I don't want that to sound trite, I'm not being that.

I do understand why you are in a bad place now, I can relate to it, I grieved for my father because I felt guilty persuading him to go into hospital, we lived in different countries at the time, I'd phoned and asked his doc to visit him and phone me when he got to Dads. Doc just said he really needs to be admitted, I think he's undernourished. I spoke to Dad also, saying go, let them look after you, I'll be there next week anyway! (With intention of getting him to buy a microwave oven and frozen meals if necessary, to ensure he did a meal of some sort every day, I wasn't convinced by his glad assurances he was eating properly, because he looked thinner the previous time I'd seen him, I'd also previously booked my plane ticket, so was not worried and just phoned hospital every evening, telling the nurses to assure him I'd be there on the Wednesday.

Unfortunately when I was enroute to airport he died. I was told at airport check in desk on phone by my husband. So I didn't go for a holiday to look after my dad, I arrived to have to arrange a funeral instead! It was all many years ago now, but yes I still know how it affected me with guilt for too long.

It's only the last few months I've accepted 100% totally it was never my fault then or now, because I've been researching my health history since I was a baby, and there are some genetic links to my current health problems. I have a couple of things my dad had on his death certificate.

He never was a Catholic by the way, he always said he was an agnostic, but the best Christian man I ever knew and the church was packed at his funeral with some wonderful tributes to say what a good man he'd been. I, like him apparently, could start an argument with an empty room! However my brain haemorrhage 3 years ago has changed me, don't get the brain rages now I was having before or shortly after that happened.

whether the above helps or not, I don't know, but I do want you want you to know, you are not alone in how you feel. Grief and guilt are heavy burdens to carry through your young life, but neither of them are deserved burdens, have you tried talking to your mum (or your priest) again.

Stress is also another burden and one that affects health adversely! Have you considered that your dad may have felt guilty, that your sister was killed in an accident, that he felt he should have been there to protect her? Another reason to take you to summer school and buy your lunch every day - to protect you! A natural reaction, no parent ever expects to outlive their children!

That is possibly why he eventually had his heart attack, also lifestyle in what he ate and drank! Well Italian! I've been to Italy twice for short holidays, Lake Como and Rome so yes I've seen the Italian lifestyle, and why not! I love Limoncello! I'm not saying the Italian lifestyle is bad, the English one can be worse, too much alcohol consumed by too many these days!

However no matter where we come from or live, we are all human and remember from the Bible, that God gave man free will! I still have my little wooden crucifix from Holy Communion or my Confirmation, not sure which, now, a long long time ago for me. But that is who and where I say my occasional prayers to and ask for my help when I get anxious about where my health and circumstances are going and I think my Guardian Angel is here with me all the time now. That may sound daft to non Catholics I know, but I have no shame in saying it.

So please Joe, reflect a little on what I've said/written. Yes it's normal to get 'pissed off' at people occasionally, and to say things we don't mean, quite often just saying things like that releases the tension in us in that moment in time! Don't feel because you continued up the stairs, that it was your fault because what happened to your dad that night WOULD have happened then,,whatever you had said or done before that moment.

you now need to make peace with yourself, let the grief and guilt for your sister and dad out in the best way you can. Go to church, find a quiet pew where you can be alone to reflect and let go! Hopefully it will also release from your mind daily thoughts of death and dying.

Also try and do it before Christmas Day if you can, then you and your family can remember your sister and father to pray and celebrate their lives,however short, not mourn their deaths!

Finally, NO - you do not need medication, unless you have a serious medical condition, and no one knows when you will die! You are the master of your own destiny at the moment!

Now you can be the man you need and want to be - Life is for living! I sincerely hope you find a way to live yours in acceptance, peace and contentment.

Wishing you and yours a Merry Cbristmas plus a Happy and Healthy New Year.

Shirley xxx

Ps: they are only because I'm almost old enough to to be your young grandmother!

[Agora1]

Hi Joe, I can relate because I too was brought up in a loving Italian Catholic family.

Family was everything to my parents. The more the better around the table and in their lives. I never wanted for anything even coming from two working parents that just made ends meet. The beautiful memories I had as a child were storybook like.

And then I grew up, became a paramedic and had a family of my own. I still honored the traditions of my family including St. Joseph's Day, afterall my dad's name was Joe too. I went to pick him up to attend the St Joe's table at the church. He met me by the door and said he wanted to stay home with my mom because she was in bed with a severe migraine. I told him we would only be gone a short time but he insisted on staying home to care for her.

Within an hour of going back to his home, I saw the all too familiar paramedic van parked in front of my old home. I screamed to my husband to stop the car. I kept saying I know it's my dad even though it was my mother who wasn't feeling good.

All of a sudden my mother appeared by the front door and told me that my dad had fallen down the basement steps. I ran to be with the other paramedics and was able to contain my emotions for a patient in need. They allowed me to ride with them on the way to the hospital as well as being the only one let into the area my father was in the ER. I knew from my training the signs were not good. From there he was put into ICU where the family gathered around his bed. The neurologist came out and told us he had fallen down backwards while carrying a pot of pasta and meatballs he had made down in the basement kitchen. He wanted as always, to take care of his family.

He didn't realize the top door had closed and when he got there, his hands being full, he fell backwards and tumbled to his death. The family was called together by the doctor to make a decision if my father should have surgery to release the pressure on his brain. The chances were 50/50. Everyone agreed "no", that is everyone but me. I always felt if there were a chance it should be taken. But I didn't say anything and my dad (Joseph) died in ICU within several hours. I never shed a tear during the accident,wake or funeral. After all, I was trained to help those in need. About 6 months later, I started crying and couldn't stop because of the loss. Because of thinking somehow I could have saved my dad. And so every St Joseph's day became a day of mourning instead of celebrating his patron saint.

So Joe, there are situations we cannot do anything about. How to live with the loss after that is what takes professional help. I have become agoraphobic as well as suffer from daily anxiety and fear dying the same way my dad did. The older I get the more I think about death. I've learned through time that having had a trauma in life makes us more aware of our own mortality. Don't let this emotional pain continue to grow one day more please. Six months after my father died, I was put on a tiny dose of muscle relaxant (which was meant to be for a short time). Years later, the pain of the loss of my father was still there because the medication was only a bandaid on the coping methods and not a solution. Joe you have a strong name. Please reach out for the help you need to avoid carrying this on your shoulders for the rest of your life.

One day at a time. Good Luck my friend and "Buon Natale"

[celtic2746]

hi. joe youve been through a lot no wonder your feeling so mixed up why do you say your a sinner ? have you tried approaching your local parish priest they may be able to help you examine why you feel so guilty i wosh you all the best god bless you !