eight years ago..

[hill17]

hey everybody

my anxiety/panic attacks started about 8 years ago after i had a guy throw up in my car. i didn't really like this person but he was invited along on our mini road trip. besides being obnoxious, he was eating broccoli cheddar soup and drinking whiskey. he obviously got sick, in and outside of the window and we all had to deal with the smell for miles and he just laughed about it.

well, i didn't exactly think anything more of this situation besides the fact that it was gross and i didn't want that guy around anymore. but about a month later i had my first panic attack. i felt hot, dizzy and like i was going to be sick. i was at the counselor's office at my old university. they slowly started happening more and more often and i reached the point where i couldn't even get in my car or go to work/school. i had two roommates at the time that were a little worried about my weight (if i could eat a packet or two of crackers and a can of sprite a day i was doing good). but they didn't really press me for much information. one day i called my mom (she was unaware of my state of anxiety) and told her that i wasn't ok but i didn't know what was wrong with me. i really didn't.

to shorten up the story, i finally made it to my home town, went to see my family doctor and was put on paxil. i started feeling better after a few weeks.

after six months i moved to italy. i needed to get away. to grow. to push myself to regain my strength. i felt like i had lost myself.

long story short, i still live in milan and go back and forth between taking medication and not. whenever i think that things will be ok and start to slowly stop the medication, i feel great for a good six months but then what do you know? it starts coming right back. i've seen psychologists and read numerous books. i get by, i really do. i actually work in a bank and live with my boyfriend. but i am constantly thinking about how i feel and hoping and praying that i won't start feeling anxious. sometimes i'm ok but other times i'm not. being in a car, train, or bus is the worst for me. also eating in front of a lot of people. i just can't do it. it makes me feel sick. let's not get started about being around people who are actually sick... i can't stand the thought of vomiting. i know this derives all the way back to the situation in the car. i just can't seem to get over it.

sometimes i feel like if i were to go back home in the states that i would feel better, being closer to my family and friends, but i know that's not true. i felt this way before i came over here. i just don't get why i can't overcome it. i really try to push myself to do things that i know in my heart i want to do but the anxiety just keeps pulling me down. i go on trips but have migraines and nausea the entire time. people tell you to just 'calm down' or 'try to enjoy the moment'. do they think that i'm not trying to do that exact thing? who knows. maybe i'm trying all the wrong things. all i know is that it's been eight years since the time in university and now i'm 29. I want to start a family someday... but not while i'm taking medication.

anybody out there have a similar story to mine? have you been able to overcome it? any tips that really helped you?

to whoever is out there reading this, thanks for taking the time out of your day. it really means a lot.