Jokes.

[Blorengia]

I thought we might have a topic just for jokes. Let's keep them (fairly) clean, we don't want to offend anyone, do we? Do a bit of careful editing if you think it might be necessary

[Blorengia]

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Mum, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mum. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, you're right. How did you know?" His Mum glared at him and said, "I don't like her."

[bonnie1959 in reply to Blorengia]

Lol lol

X

[LadySaabra in reply to Blorengia]

that mother is going to be me in the future lol

[bonnie1959 in reply to LadySaabra]

That mother was me lol

Bonnie

x

[jules2105 in reply to Blorengia]

Lol, this is so true x

[Hidden in reply to Blorengia]

This actually made me chuckle, good joke.

[mimii]

If at first you don't succeed................Dont take up skydiving

[LadySaabra in reply to mimii]

hahaha

[Blorengia]

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pj's, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and 20 wrappers strewn all around the front garden. The door of his wife's car was open, and so was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the hall, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, break fast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys thrown over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and tooth paste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

He rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pyjamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went..

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it..."

[Maya_dawn in reply to Blorengia]

LOL LOL LOL!

Thats a good one Blorengia. All of us who have had a man say something to that effect to us should do this. Expression on his face at the end of the day--priceless!

[Gambit62]

What's white and climbs trees?

[Gambit62 in reply to Gambit62]

A fridge - I may have slightly overstated it's tree climbing abilities ...

[fadedlizard in reply to Gambit62]

Oh dear - the surreal ones are the best!!! That really made me laugh

[Hidden]

A little dirty but one of my faves used to be the definition of a drawing pin..... a smartie with a hard on hehehe x

[bonnie1959 in reply to Hidden]

lol lol lol

Bonnie

xx

[marcusvanbreugel in reply to Hidden]

Dear Donver22,

lol

hugs,

Marcus xxx

[henige]

My son has long legs. They run in the family.

[jules2105 in reply to henige]

Iol, this made me smile x

[Blorengia]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his

stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles,has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed,

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied

the vet...

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£500!" she cried, "£500 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £50, but with the additional Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £500."

[Hidden in reply to Blorengia]

fantastic

[jules2105]

I have always loved this one ..... Whats brown and sticky? A stick

[KatyCee]

What is green with brown legs and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A snooker table.

[wallflower_fairy]

Good jokes making me smile.

So basically guys I brought a Mood bracelet a couple of weeks ago and lost it.

And I'm not sure how I feel about that...

(((hugs))) xxxx

[Blorengia]

Loving the jokes... Thanks for contributing, everyone

[Blorengia]

Time for another one...

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the difficulty he has getting a close shave around the cheeks. "I have just the thing," says the barber, taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this inside your mouth between your cheek and gums."

The client places the ball in his mouth as instructed and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.

After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech,

"And what if I should swallow the ball by accident?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back the next day like

everyone else does!