Hmmmmm... :/

[MuffinChops]

I feel extremely crappy at the minute, I kind of regret ducking out of College last minute, but I know it just won't work, I'm not stable enough and I'll just crash and burn within a few days undoubtedly. I keep seeing my friends update their Facebook status' and saying about how good College is at the minute, every time I see things that remind me of College I just want to break down, I feel so lost with no goals or purposes.

I don't have the mental and physical strength to cope with anything other than sitting in my bedroom on the Xbox all day. I'm mentally sore and drained, my head actually throbs and hurts 24/7 due to the amount of thinking I do, my muscles are sore and achy constantly because I am always tense. Due to my anorexic eating habits I've lost a lot of weight, most of it undoubtedly muscle, so I feel weak all the time, plus my cardiac health isn't good, I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack if I stand up. My head is always spinning and I feel dizzy constantly, as well as my sleeping pattern being hugely out of whack, I don't sleep until around 10am-6pm, then I'm awake all night playing Xbox. Oh, and I'm completely dependent on codeine, with bad breathing problems from smoking, combined with allergies and asthma, I don't think the pros are outweighing the cons for College any time soon!

I'm dwelling over the guilt and shame of disappointing my family, when they were all so proud and excited to see me go back to College, after everything that happened last year. I am constantly being reminded that I'm a disappointment, my nan happened to write it on my Facebook page a few days ago, where everyone could see it, I really didn't need reminding, I think about it constantly.

I'm so scared about where I'm going to end up. I'm 18 now and almost half way to 19, once I turn 19 free education will stop, so if anything I'll have to go to College next September, by then everyone I know will be gone and I'll feel so alone. I already have qualifications from my last 2 years at College, but as I didn't achieve the course I suffered so much on, I won't settle until it's done.

I just feel like a fat, ugly mess, I've got no idea how to pick myself up, I would so much rather be dead, or at least completely detached and numb, so I didn't have to endure this horrific cycle any more, like I have been doing constantly for years. I feel suffocated, rushed and pressured, yet, nobody is pushing anything on me, I'm pushing it on myself and refuse to help myself, I don't know how!

[Hidden]

Oh dear muffin

I said on your last post , which I dont no if you looked at the replies , that I am so lost why you are no receiving any help with all these things you are feeling is wrong with you , its beyond me

I sound like a broken record because I dont have any more advise except & I no you feel you have no energy , but you need to use the little that is there & start letting them no you are still here & need help

Like I said before , even if it means contacting your local MP & letting them no this system is letting you down

You wont like this one little bit , but been on the XBOX a lot causes headache & makes you tired

I have asked before , but did your Mum attend the doctors with you & if not , could you ask her as we said it might help if your Mum spoke up & I no she was going to for you

I am sorry I havnt got any better suggestions , but i hope writing it down & getting it all out , knowing it has been read , might help just a little bit

Love

whywhy

xxx

[wallflower_fairy]

Now,

First of all honey, your Nan should NOT have made the FB status, whatever is going on between you and your Nan is private and she should have respected that - you shouldn't blame yourself, if anything she is the one who you should feel ashamed. Mental illness is a very misinterpreted term, because you can't see it, people find it hard to fathom unless they have experienced it themselves. So people will hold it against you, but you should try not to take it to heart because, as we both know, you ARE ill, and you can't go to college if you're ill either. I know you are finding the consequences of your decision hard but I hope you conviction that you did the right thing, and that it will have a more positive outcome long term, carry you through.

2nd: I think you should have something to eat. I know that's really easy for me to say and really hard, you to do, but I hope the rational part of you: the part that knows you need food, will over ride the part that says you shouldn't, because on balance I am sure that if you do just eat SOMETHING - nothing too heavy: maybe just a warm slice of toast and a hot drink, you will generally feel less crap: you will have a better frame of mind and the weakness will start to abate slightly. Maybe you should get up slightly earlier (I'm not asking for a ridiculously early time, from one night owl to another I understand), because you won't have seen any sun, take a modest bath and go out into the garden for a few minutes with your food. If you still feel tired, you can just go back to bed, but you might sleep better - and at least you know you will have tried. It will be a start...

I'll leave it here for now because I don't want to over whelm you with my words, but I'll be back. I hope you feel better soon.

Lots of love,

wanderingwallflower xx