The halo and the horns.

[MuffinChops]

I'm just blogging an evaluation of the thoughts I've been having for a long time, in which I've only just realized. There are dozens of problems I'm facing, small problems, that are making my anxiety and depression worse. Instead of fixing them and putting them right, I avoid them and engage in self harm and self blame behaviors, in order to cope with the guilt and shame I feel over not confronting and resolving the issue head on.

I would really like to put these daily issues right, but I do not feel like I have control over my own body and mind, so I feel repelled to make any decisions regarding anybody else's issues in conjunction to my own. Yes, my 'issues' revolve around other people, and even animals, in my mind others matter, but I run myself ragged caring for others and not myself, throwing myself in to the huge mess I'm in now.

I have bottled up my feelings to reality for so many years, since I care to remember, hence why I am finding therapy so difficult, and I've run others around in circles, subconsciously. It's very much a default reaction to a situation 'just take yourself away and you'll be fine'. I thought that was a good thing to do, but my therapist tells me otherwise. I am very aware of my problems, you go to therapy for them to help you work them out, but I knew before I even knew therapy existed. Counselling and CBT is a breeze, because I know the problems and what I need to do to sort them out, but I'm just very reluctant and do not like change, so my therapists are banging their heads against a brick wall, because I need to be cooperative in order for them to help me, to help myself. But I do not want to help myself, you could say it's a self pity act, an act of passive aggression, because I know deep down I want to change, but I'm scared of the future, whether it turn out good or bad. Part of me does not want to face the problems, so I have contemplated suicide in order to escape, but then the 'good' side of me (with a halo) wants to stick it out and find out whether it turns good or bad.

People say things always get better for those that suffer. I do not believe that statement; I have seen my mother struggle since I was old enough to calculate feelings and read emotions. My mum is worth her weight in gold, and has been tortured much, much more than she deserves. It is her that has kept me alive this long, she has never given in, and has always put others before herself, I am proud to have such an amazing mum, and role model. She has given me support whenever I needed it, but I have never taken it, as I feel weak and guilty if she shares her support, I do not feel worthy of her time. This is not because of anyone else that I feel this way, it is because I am so disappointed in myself that I feel I have not made her proud enough or paid her back for her love. Seeing her struggle kills me inside, and forces me to kill myself on the inside and out, due to feeling like I cannot make it better for her, even though the small things I can help with but feel I can't, mean the most to her.

If you've seen me blog before, you'll know how deep the bond is between me and my mum, though it is not physical, we are inseparable emotionally. The small things like feeding the dog, tidying the house, making her a cup of tea or rolling her a fag, all mean the world to her, much more than a few G's to pay off a certain bill would ever make her smile. I would like to make something of myself, get a well paid job in horse rehabilitation (my ideal job) and buy her a

cottage in the countryside, something she's always dreamed of, but that will never prove how much I love and care for her, but it's always nice, right? The reason I am alive, is because that angel with a halo inside my skull is telling me that I need to survive this, and make her proud, because she, is the only reason I am alive today. But the devil with horns tell me, I am never going to match up to my own expectations, so there's no point in trying. Somebody shoot him?