Wooosh the anxiety is bloomin mental at the minute, I'm always on edge, sweating and shaking, I don't like it, obviously. I'm really excited to go back to College, but whenever I think about it, I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack or faint, it's so frustrating as I want to go through it in my head (what will happen etc...) but it seriously sends me dippy as soon as the thought comes in. It's stressing me out not being able to think about it. I feel really behind and un prepared if I don't think about things, I have a few meetings with them coming up soon, and I'm freaking as I haven't been there since past events!
I feel in a laughing mood though, so my reaction is to laugh at myself in my head, what else can you do? I've got CAMHS on the 19th (Friday), and then it's my 18th birthday on the 20th! I'm not excited for it at all, I feel rushed to lose weight for College, so I've planned a 1-2 week fast, my birthday is going to ruin that fast, so I'll end up purging, I'm not looking forward to the food involved. I've got an image in my head and imagine myself thin for College all the time, I just want it to be a reality so I don't get bullied for being fat. In thinner times I was a more confident rider, being thinner will boost my confidence massively, so losing weight is a must for me! I think I've put on weight over the past 2 weeks, I feel like a whale, so I feel anxious and pressured to lose it as fast as I can. LOL at my stupid head!
I haven't said a word about my birthday, like what I want etc... with family. They keep nagging me to take driving lessons, nobody understands how much anxiety I have over driving, despite the fact I've never driven a car! I've thought about what I want, clothes mostly for College, but I'm buying them a couple of sizes smaller to egg me on to lose weight.
I haven't 'played the violin' for a few weeks now, so my scars have diminished, but they are still visible as white lines. I haven't willingly decided to stop, as my birthday is coming, family will buy me clothes, and want me to try them on, I can't have great big cuts when that happens. I seriously want to play again, it's driving me nuts not doing it, especially with the amount of stress of turning 18 and going back to College is putting on me right now. But I am in one way excited to turn 18, it means, MEDICATION! If they deny me it further, I will seriously kick ass, I'm not putting up with this anxiety ruining my life further.
I've just tidied my room and cleaned my guinea pigs out, done the doggy duties, now I'm lazing around on here and playing on the Xbox. That's another thing, I get extremely anxious playing online Xbox with other players, it's a car game and they have 'mods' on their cars that will send my car flying, that really upsets me when it happens as I feel like I'm not wanted there, I want to stop playing it, but why should I? I've got mods on my cars, but they aren't as good as other players, so I still get battered. It's a random and silly thing to worry about, but does anyone else feel this way with online communication? I'm the same with Facebook and on this site, if I don't feel 'part of it' I get extremely depressed, I hate it, I wish I didn't care, then I'd enjoy myself...
My mum's just let my dog (German Shepherd, 1 year old) run lose around the house and gardens, this sends me dippy too as he barks non stop, and I'm worried that my mum will not be able to control him, or he'll get out and go missing etc... I know this is my fault for not training him properly, but there is so much anxiety over him, for me to get the energy to do it. I don't want to own him, because he's hard work being a pup, but we don't want him to end up in a shelter if we re-homed him, he's better than that and worth more. So I feel a failure here too...
I've attached a photo of my little guinea pig Daisy, playing Xbox, just to brighten this blog a bit!