Nervous System Dysregulation and Recovery—-I feel so lonely

[Sunset2010]

if someone had told me two years ago that I’d be having my fight or flight on and off a good chunk of the day and dealing with waves of anxiety because of it, I would have laughed. In hindsight, a lot now makes sense. Last January of 2024 I got out of a 13 year emotionally abusive relationship/marriage. Shortly after (literally a week after papers were submitted) I relocated from California to Florida, and my mom shortly after that had a stroke in February 2024. In the process of finalizing divorce papers (because the paperwork has court delays) and being there for my mom, I began experiencing somatic symptoms that would later become full on anxiety attacks. And then finally on July of 2024 I experienced my first panic attacks. I at the time thought it was a heart attack, which I would then learn at the ER was not the case, and if anything I was physically super healthy.

I was given an initial diagnosis of panic disorder (although I haven’t had a panic attack since then), and put on lexapro. The medication unfortunately made things worse (it was not a good fit). I got off the medication in August and got switched to buspirone in October. I was so bad at this time I could barely leave my house, concentrate, watch tv, shower, or even move. It was the worst time of my life. And although fast forward it’s March, I’m able to drive to places, work, attend events, clean, cook lightly for myself, shower etc…every day is still very hard.

I feel my nervous system is at the point where it’s trying to balance itself to baseline (it goes up and down all the time)—-the anxiety that persists hits me like waves sometimes for hours at a time, showing me what stable looks like and then what unease feels like. I feel like I’m getting close to baseline…but it’s soul wrenching sometimes. And I have to make a lot of effort to be busy and present and not fall into thinking about anxiety to have a decent productive day. Some days are easier…and I’m getting more of those, but it’s still so very hard. And when it’s bad it feels so incredibly scary and permanent. Like I broke my brain because of trauma.

The reason I’m writing this is honestly because I feel so alone. I have been fighting and pushing to get better, and I feel like I’m failing all the time. I’m not myself and I know I’ll be a different version when I’m fully healed. My goal is to be a better happier and healed version at the end of this. I just don’t know when I’ll be fully at baseline and my nervous system would be fully calibrated. It’s hard. Again I feel so alone in this almost like it’s a sci fi movie. The only reason I know I’m not crazy is because of my therapist and the EMDR work we’re doing. He constantly reminds me trauma can heightened your autonomic nervous system and that’s what I’m experiencing. Again though…it’s just hard.

Any hopeful messages of people who’ve come through the other side of this dysregualtion would be amazing. Again it just feels lonely. I feel also like a weirdo because people predict people to be better after 6 months and I’ve blown past that. October is considered my starting point but even so… I don’t even think timelines are worth holding onto anyone. My therapist predicts by July I’ll be doing much much better…again…i don’t know and all of that is so frightening.

[GinkgoLeaf]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. First, big applause on your journey and everything you've been through. Even though it's still challenging, hopefully you're able to congratulate yourself on how far you've come. I'm dealing with the same stuff (emotional dysregulation) although on a much shorter timeline. My therapist described it as all of these emotions I didn't experience before are now in "hypercolor" and overtime, I'll get used to it (and hopefully you too). I love metaphors, and my therapist used this metaphor - the roller coaster is scariest at the beginning. One thing that helped me - even though some of this emotional dysregulation/catharsis has been hard emotions, i.e. more anxiety/depression swings, I've also experienced a lot more swings to the upside. In a way, it's teaching me to be a much more present person. I hope that's the case for you. Best of luck on the journey - this is really hard!

[Scott785]

Hello, my story is very similar to yours. 2024 was a rough year for me and around May I started experiencing somatic symptoms, heart palpitations, etc. Then November, just before Thanksgiving I had a massive panic attack. Heart racing, body lockup, head pounding, sweating, numbness. I thought it was all over for me. ER visit and they told me panic attack. I haven't been the same since. Daily anxiety over pretty much everything. Constant worry and fear. Was also put on lexapro but couldn't handle it. I am not on anything at the moment, but the depression has been hitting pretty bad. I cry daily over the smallest things. I stopped doing all the things I loved to do, can't work, can hardly drive. I thought I could bounce back on my own with therapy alone but I am seeing the psychiatrist next week to see if there is something else I can try. I need my life back.

I am sorry, I wish I had something that may help you. All I can say is....you're not alone.

[Franklin68]

A sharp increase in Busiprone helped with my anxiety greatly. My providers were at 10 mg. A hospital I went to increased it greatly to 60 mg a day.

Are you attributing your doing better since October with symptoms from the Busiprone or are there also other factors

[JonW_Swan]

I am anxious most of the day too

[SoccerKing]

Hi. I wish you all the best. I hope your therapist's timeline is realistic.