Not feeling myself

[P1987]

at the beginning of every month I always a depression and a lot of anxiety, worse than the rest of the month. I wake up in the morning thinking why did I have to wake up? I have been dealing with such a dark feeling in my body and in my head. It’s been almost 8 months or so since I moved the person‘s house who nearly cost me wanting to take my life. I try really hard to keep myself busy and do things, painting, writing, reading. Taking my dogs out for a everything I can possibly think of preoccupy my brain. I’ve shut myself off from everybody, I want to be alone. I don’t want to be around people. I’m tired of dealing with their drama or throwing at me to try and embarrass me or feel like I’m a horrible person by the things they say. The thing is, it mostly comes from my three adult children. I finally had to just walk away from them and tell myself doing to me. It’s not fair. I did everything I could as a mother since they were young to put do everything for First. Of course, when I left their dad, he took the privilege to say that he left me. Trying to make it look like I was the bad person and he had to free himself from me. I was a stay at home, mother taking care of and taking responsibility for my children, never going anywhere without them not even a quick trip to the store. They would always be with me. As they grow into teenagers, their father and I divorce divorced I wanted to leave because he was always gone, and I knew he was always cheating on me. He would bring me home flowers plants, jewelry, and when he did that, I never said thank you because I knew that he is long days away were because he was with someone else. I never expected that my marriage would be destroyed by the fact that he couldn’t stay away from women and that he was just a flat out pig. I was home 24 seven, going through postpartum depression, anxiety, and a fear of doing anything without printing my OCD to reassure myself if I did all these things, nothing bad would happen. I spent 10 years of my life dealing with someone’s crap. At this point in my life, I would think that I would be happy and enjoy enjoying this freedom. with someone’s crap. At this point in my life, I would think that I would be happy enjoy enjoying and get myself caught up with yet another person who treats me like crap for a long years, I call him my Monster or everybody knows who I’m talking about. I know my children’s father led them to believe that everything this monster did to me was made up. Just like he got my kids to think I am a compulsive liar and I like to make things up. When I know darn well he only did things like that or said things like that so if I ever say anything about him, they would assume lying making up stuff. I chose not to ever say anything bad about him, it just wasn’t worth it. Now that I don’t talk to my kids, I miss them immensely, but at the same time, I don’t want to socialize myself with my middle child is just like her father, convincing the oldest one the into thinking that everything I and do is either not important, I am lying, or do you remember when she was a mother? I won’t even tell them about my lupus or any of the other health issues that I have. I just don’t see any point in doing it. They’re probably just think I’m lying even though I sent my kids my diagnosis an email. Their father will probably convince them, I know somebody who wrote that paperwork to make it look like I’m trying to get or sympathy. The last thing I wanna do is get people to be sympathetic toward me. I don’t want anybody feeling sorry for me. I miss work like crazy because of what I’m going through. My disease, my anxiety, depression, PTSD, and OCD. There are just feel so out of control. I guess I’m just writing this because I have to do it so I can get it out of my head not really looking for anybody to respond. I just don’t know what to do with myself anymore at 55 years old. Who has three children and none of them want anything to do with me unless I have money or allow them to use me as a punching bag.

[skrompwons]

been having weird cold feelings lately. like a pressure sensation too. and burning.