Above the water line of desperation

[Existing]

At least my heads above water in this post. I will say that HU is the one place I have, that I can reach out to in my deepest darkest moments, when I know I have no other. It is a place of immense comfort and safety when my awareness of how desperate and alone I really am in this world can accelerate the speed of the downward spiral I'm already in .

Its almost amusing to watch how cruel my mind can be when it sees how terrified I am about my life when it feels so far out in the extreme distance from the world around me. Its like my mind adds the truth to that. I suddenly then become aware of how true that feeling actually is, how alone and out of touch I really am, and how unlikely it is that I can ever get back or get in again. Thanks to that realization, that it's not just a feeling, but a fact, THEN the panic and terror set in to ignite the spark that causes my downward spiral to burst into flames. 😳😄👏

So, that's the cruelty of my self awareness when it works against me, instead of for me. I watch this pattern play out in so many of my worst times. Its almost so automatic that rather than trying to stop it, instead I try to stop myself from reaching that point, where I go down the rabbit hole I can't get out of. Obviously I do eventually get back out in some sense, but only after incredible pain and suffering.

Anyone else?

[CatsandCheese]

Yep 🙀. I used to call my anxiety attacks "terror attacks" - the root of which is abandonment. We could be alone......... together! I feared ending up old and alone, and here I am.

[Existing in reply to CatsandCheese]

OMG that last line🥺 Yes!

[Existing in reply to CatsandCheese]

Its interesting too because I am generally a loner, a gypsy spirit, but I land in this town 8 years ago, and it's probably the only real regret I have had in my life. Its New Mexico, but they don't seem to realize we are part of the US. Its horrible in the land that time forgot where they are living like paper dolls with no souls, acting out what humans would be like if they were real. So, I'm stuck for so many reasons, and have no one in life that even knows I exist. That's TOO alone. And that, I never saw coming, or could imagine this is how it would end for me.

[nativeblood]

Gd morning I feel you I think we all go through this our level or depiction of depressed, its not easy as few understand what and why everyone is offering help question is is it consistent help especially to those who are very sensitive in nature. There are prayer resources I am returning to which may be of aide. As this site says counseling that is too costly for me as I need direct proper solutions. This community seems promising, share here often, objective is dont give up ever.

[Existing]

Well, I don't know about that never give up philosophy. I need to be able to live, or else I would rather be gone than to simply exist.

[CatsandCheese in reply to Existing]

This last year has just been waiting to die as my body deteriorates. I literally hang on to my cat for dear life. I love sleep when it comes. My medications are pulling me down. I have calls into my doctor's for help. I'm invisible in California. Hi, neighbor.🫂☕

[Existing in reply to CatsandCheese]

Hi CatsandCheese, please hang in as you have been. Reach out to me if ever you feel too alone. It helps both of us. There's got to be a better way to make meaning out of our existence, and I support you however that means to you. ❤️

[CatsandCheese]

Thank you. I've stopped one of my blood pressure meds, so hopefully some muscle weakness will be less. Supposed to start a new BP med today, but I'm waiting. Tired of all the pills. Putting myself on a plain simple diet to hopefully not need any BP meds someday. That'll be a start. Going to focus on "Simplify" in all aspects of life. All I've ever wanted is Peace of Mind. Maybe that's the hardest thing to find. There's a tiny hummingbird on my wind chime outside. Good way to start the day (okay, it's afternoon). 🙄

[Existing in reply to CatsandCheese]

Peace of mind, yes.It may be the hardest, but also the most valuable thing in our lives, to find out what it takes to achieve that. Its possible. And I feel like what you just mentioned you are doing is definitely the direction you need to follow. Trust that intuition.