Why the hole in the ground?

[Senior4merEverything]

Lumped among the numerous difficulties that exist in anyone’s life, are microparticles of unplanned inputs. You know, unexpected things.

I grew up around religiously slanted people. These were the ones who constantly spouted scriptures. I’m not being disrespectful of the faith of anyone, but I’ll say to you this: I’ve had a difficult time processing most of what they were saying to me, and it’s based on the disconnection of their words from the dynamics of my situation(s) at those times.

Therapy sessions are important, but the right therapies are the foundation of why there is any need for me to participate. One (LCSW) told me to listen to music that is based on “healing frequencies”. This was in the middle of one of the lower points I was living through. I tried it, but I didn’t feel better. I just felt let down.

Still another “professional” told me that my mind was “too cluttered” and I needed to have an “emotional yard sale” to “clear out the junk!”.

I found none of those “treatments’ to be helpful to me.

Deaths hit hard for me. I’ve never liked the “goodbyes” of life. I didn’t like saying them to visiting relatives who were leaving to go home, or friends who were in town for a visit, and I didn’t like saying them when we were the visitors. Deaths, however, were different. I learned that deaths were permanent when I was a small child. My great-grandmother was a special part of my life.

When she died, it was my first time understanding that death meant she wasn’t coming back. I was so afraid. I was afraid that she was afraid wherever death had taken her to. I was afraid that she was in the dark, alone, cold, and lonely. Death was frightening to me as a four-year-old. They’d put her in a hole in the ground! And then? We left her there!

I was so angry at everybody. I blamed them for leaving “Grammy” that way. I wanted to know why they did that to her. No one could tell me anything that made sense to me.

“God wanted her home with him!” was the general reply I kept receiving.

“Then why?”

I kept asking this question of my pious and learned family members.

“Why didn’t he come to take her with him?” “Why did we leave her alone in that hole?”.

Body bags, in war zones. Those flag-draped coffins that symbolized the sacrificed life of an actual human being? Those kept my questions about death’s aftermath fresh and clear.

No one, not a priest, minister, bishop, evangelist, not any of them could reply other than the “It’s God’s plan” deal. I have not found any comfort in this.

Death response is what led me to my suicide attempt in 20013.

I’d grown exhausted from years of deaths, irreversibly permanent injuries, medical emergency aftermaths, and a slew of other inputs that stomped on my ability to find peace.

As far as I have known it, death leads my loved ones, friends, and strangers to that hole in the ground. And it makes me angry as hell to feel this way inside!

I am depressed, I am anxious about whether or not I want to see another day of life. Where is the plan for that? Is God caring that I’m so messed up with this? If so, will he relieve me of the pressure by at least allowing me to understand the reasons for it, without the mystery of “It’s part of his plan” stuff?

I’ve read so many of the posts here, and I’d like to be able to comfort each person and take away the pain they feel. But that’s unrealistic to accomplish. But I’ve found that wanting to do it, feeling the need to at least look for ways to lessen their pains? That’s a damned good reason for me to look forward to the next day of my life.

I’m too old to get away from my past, so I look forward to this moment being magnificent to live in.

Here’s what I want; peace in everyone’s life.

Mental, emotional, psychological, physical, physiological, and financial peace and wholeness.

I know it might not be the answer for anyone here. But I’m glad I can post it to be read and considered.

Oh, I still despise that hole in the ground.

I hope it doesn’t turn out to be what 4y/o me thought it was.

Peace, demand it for your life.

[LazyXrayEyes2255]

Oh death, used to get me really down. Use your time wisely, support the young or charity. Live for yourself and others. Do the work on yourself and relax. What will be, will be but we can make it worthwhile.

[hypercat54]

I am similar to you in that I have great problems accepting deaths of anyone but especially loved ones.

I don't know if there is a rhyme or reason to it but I do know that life is for the living and is a gift we were given.

We all impact many people throughout our lives and part of us lives in many people after we pass. Maybe that is immortality? Who knows?

I am not religious in any way but comfort myself with the thought that maybe death isn't the end but only a stepping stone onto better things.

I don't know - no one does if that is true or not and I am in no hurry to find out either.

That is the curse of mortality.

[Senior4merEverything in reply to hypercat54]

I process it as a passage into the next way we can exist. Still though, I am left stunned and disappointed in the losses.

[hypercat54 in reply to Senior4merEverything]

I doubt whether you are alone in that!