New here. How to cope with isolation?

[DarkTeal]

Hi. I've been struggling with depression for half a year now, and it's my second one. My psychiatrist diagnosed me with recurrent depressive disorder, I also have borderline personality disorder, anxiety and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. I'm taking antidepressants. I got a bit better at first, still lacking energy and will, but now I'm spiralling down again. I sleep all the time, work makes me suicidal, I don't want to do anything really. I don't want to eat - I weighed 64 kilos before my depression, I weigh 46 now. I am 170cm tall, so that's pretty bad. I scheduled another appointment, but it's in March.

I'm almost used to this kind of feeling, although tough, I can cope with that. But I have a girlfriend, who I didn't have back when I had my first depression. It makes things much harder. We've been arguing a lot now that I have depression. I can't support her, I can't see her very often, so she's understandably upset. I'm trying to do my best, but it's not enough.

Sometimes I really want to be cared for. I want her to come over, to bring me fruit, to just be there for me, but I guess I'm a man, and depression is not really that big of a deal to make a fuss out of it anyway. But I can't shake off the feeling that she doesn't care about me feeling bad.

I know I'm pushing her away a bit as well, as I don't want to inconvenience her, but the last time I shared me struggling with suicidal thoughts, she said I upset her, and that was the end of the conversation. Note that I am splitting on her, since I have borderline, and I've been seeing a lot of negatives, and not a lot of positives, so the situation is more nuanced than that. She most likely has her reasons.

Still, I feel abandoned. She's out there having fun with her friends, and I am stuck at home, not having enough energy to get out of bed.

I feel like I'm drowning. When the wave comes, I am overwhelmed with grief, It's like I'm choking on my own emotions. When the wave leaves, I am left helplessly flapping about, out of breath, hoping the wave doesn't come again - it always does. People try to drag me out of water, but I slap their hands away, and they are forced to see me not-die again and again.

I feel guilty saying all this, I shouldn't feel this upset, there are much harder things to deal with than this. But these relationship problems along with my depression have been weighing on me, and I don't think I can keep going for much longer.

[Luna614]

Hi DarkTeal, I was reading your post and I can relate to it. Depression takes a toll on just not you but everyone around you. I have battled it for most of my life. Let me ask you something are you taking your medicines and how are the working for you? Also what I can tell you is it is a little bit easier for the people around you to know how to help you if you tell them what signs to look for and what you need from them when you're not feeling great. Sometimes people have a hard time dealing with issues they don't understand. Try to read whatever books you enjoy, it helps to distract you from those bad thoughts. Anyway, I hope this helps, message me if you want to talk. I understand how lonely it is.

[optimismrus]

Hi DarkTeal. I'm sorry you're feeling alone. Most of us have been there, too. It's good you're seeing your doctor next month. It looks like you're new here - welcome. Are you writing about your feelings in a journal? That helped me. It sounds like your friend might be adding to your depression because she is not giving you what you need - she can't. We have to fill our own needs. It's an inside job. That means you look inside yourself for the answers. Try being very kind to yourself. Treat yourself like your own best friend. We're here to listen and support you while you take the steps necessary to become the man you truly want to be. 🥰