I wish I didn't exist

[MayDay3]

I just want to disappear and never have existed. Why was I born. I hate existing.

[Shnookie]

U R very brave to come to Hu. Please call 988 Suicide Prevention Hotline if you R in U. s. There is a saying. To save one life is like saving the world.

[MayDay3 in reply to Shnookie]

I may want to disappear and not exist but I promised my mom I wouldn't do that. She is the most important thing in the world to me; so no matter how crappy I feel I will not attempt to kill myself. I just can't put her through that. She is amazing and I just got off the phone with her. I might end up being financially irresponsible and putting all my stuff in storage and visit her even though she lives on a different continent.

I am a non-white female first generation immigrant, and life in the US for people like me isn't the easiest. I am privileged/lucky to have supportive family though they are in a different timezone.

[MayDay3 in reply to Shnookie]

Also, thank you Shnookie I appreciate you reaching out. Specially after the conversation I had with my husband where I revealed to him how often I have wanted to kill myself over the course of our marriage and he responded by saying "do you think I've been happy?"

Which basically makes me feel like he doesn't care that I've been suicidal and reinforces his words that he has said to me over and over in our 6 yrs of marriage "Your feelings don't matter".

[LazyXrayEyes2255]

Please hold on and things will improve. Just get help at the moment, as Shnookie asks

[RS1974]

I'm so sorry you're struggling right now sweetie. Talk to a professional please don't do anything drastic please.

[MayDay3]

RS1974 Thanks for your response. I won't do anything to harm myself. I've tried and failed several times when I was younger and I hated myself for the toll it took on my family. I promised my mom I would not try again and I intend to keep that promise. I'll probably cry for a while more talk to my mom again because it is daytime for her and go to sleep. I take my depression meds regularly and have weekly therapy.

[Celtic18]

Hi mayday why do you

[MayDay3]

Celtic18 Why do I what? Why do I exist or why do I wish I didn't exist?

[Depressed_Individual]

I am so sorry you felt that way. You must be struggling a lot. I had a couple of days recently where I felt like this. Your existence matters. I hope you are feeling better now. Take care

[MayDay3 in reply to Depressed_Individual]

Thank you. Yes I am. I appreciate you saying that. I had a few nice call with my family and friends. And did some yoga and meditation. Watched a bunch of videos of my adorable nephews and nieces, that usually does the trick eventually.

[JustCuriousxxx]

I know if feels like your problems will disappear if you do, but I promise you can get out of this pit. Find the little things. An example is I rediscovered my love for space that I lost as a kid because of my parents. Now, whenever I feel like I just wanna die peacefully, I look up at the sky or the moon and remind myself that it will never change, and will always be there for me to look at.

[MayDay3]

For me looking at a water body helps, this is the first time in my life I am living in a land locked area with no water body in sight. Its been a rough transition. I miss living by the water. I love walking along rivers or lakes, etc. Sadly no such luck here but looking at adorable videos of my nephews and nieces always helps. Thanks for the sky suggestion I think that might work. I'll definitely try it!!