I wish i was brave

[fallen_leaf]

It’s hard for me to talk to people. I can’t talk to my husband. I get overly emotional and can’t stay calm and he knows exactly how to push my buttons to get a negative reaction. I can’t be confrontational even when it is in my best interest. It’s hard sometimes to not cry. I can’t always control it. I just start crying in public.

[Raiinbow08]

I can relate on the part where it is hard to talk to other people! I hate that feeling. 😢

[Coralrose5]

I’m sorry you’re going through that. Maybe he needs to join you in couples therapy to learn how to be more supportive? I’m also crying 😭 a lot lately having a hard time controlling it.

[fallen_leaf in reply to Coralrose5]

We’ve tried and it doesn’t help. Even my therapist is surprised at my husband’s attitude towards me.

[Coralrose5 in reply to fallen_leaf]

So sorry to hear that. I’m going to assume you’ve brought it up with your husband and said that it is not supportive?

[Hidden]

Hey there,

I also have a problem expressing myself to others...such as defending my stance or trying to explain my view point....and on and on. I'm a very non-confrontational person and avoid it even if it means I'm left without a solution to whatever the conversation may have provided me. I completely understand how that feels. Even in my relationship, I sometimes feel deflated in even trying to explain, talk, or communicate further because I don't think I'm being fully understood or given the proper level of respect. I'm sorry you're feeling this way and even more sorry your husband not only refuses to work on being a better person for you, but also uses this against you.

As we all know, there's no wonder solution for this. Medications can help. One specifically helps for stage fright (and blood pressure/pulse if they're high). Beta-blockers such as propranolol and atenolol lower the pulse so you don't get worked up into an anxious state while approaching stressful events...such as confrontation. Another obvious medication most doctors will try is associate your issues with depression and anxiety. Thus, you'll likely see a recommendation to try one of the many out there. There are other medications that might be considered. Not having a doctorate, I'll leave that for them. That said, there are plenty of good options if you do not want to venture down the medicinal route.

I think the best solution is CBT with a well trained therapist where you can begin to work on becoming more comfortable in being assertive, less prone to let emotions control tense situations, and so on. You shouldn't have to feel so horrible in public with the crying and embarrassment. I would hope it would help you get some sort of benefit out of it. I really wish your husband would sit down and listen rather than make things worse....it really sounds horrible of him from this context and perspective.

For now, maybe practice your usual confrontations with prepared responses so you aren't likely to get caught off guard during emotionally tough confrontations. Have and stick to a script, even if you have to mumble it without the tone of voice that matches with it. It's a short term solution, but it will at least help you to be prepared.

I hope you feel better, get more sympathy from your husband, and are able to smile more than cry in public. Feel better and best of luck!

Edit: I also wanted to add that you ARE brave. You came on here and told your story. That's a huge step and now you have support among many like yourself. Try not to discount yourself

[hypercat54 in reply to Hidden]

Great reply Aequitas. x

[Needtovent in reply to hypercat54]

Agree!

[Arniestal]

I to have the problem of crying in public, no matter how many people are there. I can not talk to my husband at all the slightest thing I will say he will get up slam doors and storm off. Because of this I keep everything in, I think now my depression isn't going to get better with me living under this strain. Keeping everything in is not good for anyone, I like to say what needs to be said. I'm basically feeling like it's a kind of abuse, he can not face the truth so isn't letting me. Don't know how long this farce can go on.

[Hidden in reply to Arniestal]

Arniestal, that is definitely some type of abuse....it's severing basically any and all communication which is one of the most critical components of a healthy marriage. It doesn't matter what school of thought he's from or if he was raised this way, you deserve a voice. Have you sough any counseling for either yourself or both of you? Marriage counseling doesn't have to come with the "hopefully this will work or else" line. A lot of couples utilize it in the greatest of marriages to further cement the strength they've built. One of the greatest things of being together with someone is having the ultimate outlet in a significant other. They should be people who can just "shut up" and listen. Slamming doors and storming off is what a five year-old does when they can't play their video game anymore. I'm so sorry to read how bad you feel and how you're basically holding every ounce of emotion and depressed thoughts inside when a release of these thing would most definitely benefit you....and maybe even him if he made an attempt. From what I can take in, I have doubts he'll join you, but any counselor/therapist will work with you individually...even on how to approach him, what to say, and see how things go week by week. You shouldn't live miserably like this because you definitely deserve to be happy. I hope you're able to make some ground in getting some outlet. Please feel better and try to remove that emotional abuse from you and/or your marriage if you can. There is a lot of help out there and I really hope you can find someone who will work wonders. You can do this

[Arniestal]

Thank you, I have lived like this for a very long time. If I was feeling myself I would just cope with it but after the loss of my mum which is 2 years ago I have developed depression. She was so important to me. I have diagnosed my husband myself with autism after doing a lot of research into it and speaking to people that work within it. I have tried every type of speaking to him you can imagine and now resigned to the fact none will ever work. No you are right he would never go to a counsellor but as you suggest maybe I will. Its more now that I have come to the end of a very long road.

[Hidden]

I'm non-confrontational, too. One idea that I haven't used myself, but sounds good is to write a note with what you want him to understand about you. You can take the time to really think through your words and how they might be misunderstood when looking at them from his perspective. You probably will be emotional while writing.

One thing I have done is to tell my husband that I want to say something but I don't want any response. "I just need you to hear this." Then I gave him the room to think about it, hoping he could hear it. We could talk about it later, when he brought it up himself. Granted, this was just to tell him how much I wanted a dog, but there was no need for him to justify why we don't have a dog, blah, blah blah. A few days later (or a week later), he talked about getting a dog. But I think that it could work for telling him things that he usually feels that he needs to defend himself as soon as he hears your words.

I'm sorry that it is so hard. I think it would be very hard to not be able to connect with your husband that way. I hope it gets much better for you.