I have had a dilemma for quite a while now about whether or not I should confront a long term abuser in my life. I have recently removed them from my life but I never did get ìt off my chest to tell them why. I don't really want to send a letter or confront this person because they are ill.
Does anyone out there have any thoughts or experiences with this? Thanks!
Hello Bigoldogsmiles: I do not have direct experience but I do have some ideas. This is one question to answer: You says this person is ill. How ill? As in near death? Bottom line: If you feel that the time left for this person is shorter rather than longer and you do not unburden yourself as you are contemplating doing, and this person dies, then it will be too late and you will carry this burden for the rest of your life, always thinking "If only . . ." Also, and you hesitate because this person is ill? What? I thought you were the victim! Now he is the victim? No. YOU are the one who has suffered by virtue of this person's actions. Do not let your abuser's illness interfere with your desire to resolve YOUR pain.
Hi Linuxusr, Thank you for your input. This person had a mild stroke about 5 years ago.
This is a shot in the dark: My Mom had a stroke. Then she had another which incapacitated her. I do believe that when one has a stroke that there is an increased probability of a second stroke. If true, and this person has an incapacitating second stroke, it might be too late. My gut feeling: Do this now. I would also reflect on possible scenarios. For example, what do you hope to achieve? Use that to focus on and determine what you will say to this person. Consider possible negative consequences. Could you end up in a worse situation than you're now in? After all, you don't know how this person is going to respond . . . But, still, even though I am not in your shoes, my gut feeling is to do this. If you don't you will have these doubts gnawing away at you forever . . .
My therapist would ask me what I would want to get from this encounter. It may not be positive.
She would also remind me if I don't get that result I need to be prepared for what I will get.
It's a tough question... we are all in different stages of healing.
Personally I would speak to my therapist about it first.
Wishing you the best
🐬
Hi Dolphin14, Thank you for your response on that. Something to think about for sure.
hello! From personal experiences with abuse, I would tell you it’s totally your decision to make. But keep in mind most abusers like the one I dated they will never see or admit they are at fault regardless of what you or others tell them. You say you want to get it off of your chest, I understand totally. I don’t have an answer for you. It sounds like you still care about this person . I just wouldn’t want you back in the same situation if you both started talking again. Also don’t think you owe him anything since he was the abuser I would say he owes you. Best of luck though with whatever you decide. No one deserves to be abused physically or verbally or any way. 🙏
Thank you Fefe09, I have actually drafted a letter but for now have decided not to send it. I realized It would not change what has happened. I doubt very much that she would feel any remorse whatsoever. She has always felt it was her right to treat me badly but in the last several years the abuse had escalated to the point where she was starting to interfere in my marriage ( it is my older sister). That's when I finally said enough is enough! I think I am just looking for closure and a way to come to terms with the past. This has gone on for a long time. I think it will just take time.
Hi my thoughts when my mother was dying was whatever I do I have to live with myself in the future.
I didn't want to confront an old lady in her last days. It was all too late. She'd had many opportunities to apologise or show remorse but didn't.
Equally I'd had many occasions to challenge her even if at the time I didnt quite understand, only that she was horribly abusive to me and others.
Writing a letter is a good idea. Then you can decide what to do with it.
I was summoned to her deathbed by her henchmen ( her supporters) I refused and stayed away. In hindsight this stand, I believe, spoke louder than words. It was the best decision for me.
It's so hard so wishing you all the best.
I had to do this for an abuser in my life. I wrote a letter and burned it. It.helped and.felt like I was rid of the abuser once the letter was burned.
Am I in the Right Group?
I am or am I at that point?
I can’t make it on my own
Why do I feel like I'm the only one in my family to confront our issues?
