I’m new here.

[jadesallywillow]

I found myself searching for help tonight. At this point in my life there is no one I can talk to that understands what I’m going through. I struggle with severe anxiety. If there was a stronger adjective than severe that I could think of right now I would use it. My mind never shuts off. It feels like torture. If anyone can relate, when a big event happens in my life I tend to completely focus on that. So much to the point I go into manic mode. So, I wrecked my on Tuesday evening. Right after my mom called and told me my grandma got put on hospice. It’s now been declared totaled. And it is killing me mentally. But let me explain what my brain is trying to say. Listen, I have all the help in the world. A wonderful family. I have a rental car to drive, and no matter the cost to fix anything insurance doesn’t cover my family will. But you see, it doesn’t matter that I have the help, my mind won’t let me stop thinking about it. My mind will literally not be at ease until this situation is completely over with. If that makes sense. I have not slept for the past 2 nights now . It’s a constant replay of it, the embarrassment, the thinking of all the people that saw me, the process of waiting for insurance and the bank and all the calls i have to answer. The fact I didn’t have rental car added onto my policy. My mom is paying cash for me to have a rental until I get into a new car. All while her own mother is dying.I’ll feel guilt for this forever. It’s like a deep feeling in my chest and mind at the same time. My mom has helped me my whole life, and has been even more so now that I am in an apprenticeship and I’m not working. I signed a contract to go to school while my job pays for me to become a surgical technologist. With that came a huge pay change and I have had to have my mom help pay for the car I just wrecked and other things multiple time this year. I have one year left with the same rate of pay, knowing she will need to still help me financially. This event has emphasized my anxiety and panic to an inexplainable feeling. I have caused a huge mess in the midst of a family crisis and I’m only footing a portion of the bill for all of this, and that’s only because I paid my insurance payments, meaning my only contribution is just that, what my policy amount is. As I’m typing this all I am just thinking to myself how it will be when I go to lay down and try to sleep. I regularly take my trazadone, but right now my thoughts are so deep and racing so hard it’s fighting to sleep. Its like my brain literally will not stop. Like it just wont. I will crash soon. If it’s not tonight it will be tomorrow night. But not of regular fatigue, but because of literal mental exhaustion. Now, regardless of me wrecking the car, if it wasn’t the car, it would be something else. I can’t and won’t go to social events. I wouldn’t be invited to one anyway. I have no idea how to interact with others. I turned 30 last year and realized how alone I am. I have been alone a long time. I must add I am a full time mom of a 9 year old daughter. One day when she gets old enough she is going to look back and think of the way I have acted and how I am and who I am, and she is going to think I am crazy. It makes me sick to my stomach. I have one friend and my mother that I vent all of this to. And by all of this that includes the smallest things that to them they think is no big deal and how could I be worried about that. I find my friend recently ignoring my calls or acting like she’s busy, in my mind I take that as it’s because I’m annoying her. My mom would say that’s me being paranoid. And mind you, she doesn’t mean it in a cruel way, she just doesn’t understand; and also doesn’t understand how being called paranoid makes me feel coming from another person. My mom means well in every way, but anymore there’s nothing she can do or say that will make whatever is bothering me go away. I know I can be paranoid. But I also know it’s not always me being paranoid. I feel like I just see things different. I don’t want to be someone’s annoyance, that keeps me up at night too. It’s like no one cares enough about me, outside of my family. If I were to die tomorrow, there would be no one for my mom to send notice to outside of my job or to let know so they could come to my services. There is no one to come besides my family and the one friend I discuss here, and I honestly don’t think she would come, she would give my mom an excuse. I also must add. If I am not doing a task, or an errand or have a task or an obligation of some sort. I can’t relax. I can’t just sit down and watch tv. I can’t just sit on my couch. There is no chill time. There is constant up and down moving around until it reaches close to this time at night and I take my trazadone. From the time I wake up till the time I take my night time medication, it is absolute torture inside my head. I am on multiple medications. Adderall, alprazolam, buspirone, abilify, propranolol; and the trazodone. I’ve never said I wanted to kill myself. But I have thought of the peace of mind more than once of not living with anxiety for one day. I don’t even know if any of this makes sense to anyone. The only true reason I am here is because my daughter saved me. I can’t leave her in this world without me, the thought of that makes me sick. I can’t do that to her. So for now I remain in my own torture chamber.

[Djampa-Kelsang]

You think too much my dear, have you tried meditation? The point is that we cannot predict the future and in the meantime you do not live the present. I am a bit like you, I am not that perfect but I hope I can help you. I understand your rummaging in your head. If you want we can chat.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Djampa-Kelsang]

Hi

This is great advice. I just read your other post about AI and your job.

🐬

[Djampa-Kelsang in reply to Dolphin14]

Dolphin14 you are right I try to help other because I believe this is what it means to be humand beings :-). I so far away from reaching a stable balance in my life but if I can I would like to support people who are feelig down.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Djampa-Kelsang]

This is wonderful. I use meditation

This is why we are here The continued support and suggestions are what we need

[jadesallywillow in reply to Djampa-Kelsang]

thank you so much

[jadesallywillow in reply to Djampa-Kelsang]

Starting back up for the day. I may reach out this evening when it’s time to ‘wind down’

Thank you

[Needaholiday101]

Please know you are not alone and in a safe place to talk always. Lack of sleep is horrendous in itself and can really amplify everything. Utube has some great sleep hypnosis utube videos I use or simply just sleep sounds. Getting your sleep back needs to be a priority ( easier said than done). You've a lot going on right now but one thing you do have is a very good reason for living and you acknowledge that. Can you talk to your Dr and get to see a therapist? Sending you all the best. Xx

[jadesallywillow in reply to Needaholiday101]

Thank you so much, I really needed to let that out

[Dolphin14]

jadesallywillow

Welcome to the community

I remember these days so well. Horrible when the mind won't stop racing.

I'm very sorry to read about your grandma. This is a very difficult time for all of you.

Your daughter is 9 and I'm wondering if you have talked to her pediatrician about what you are going through and if this is too early to introduce her to some of what you struggle with? I think if she has an explanation of the illness she will understand and alleviate your fear of thinking she's going to look at you as crazy. You are not crazy, you have an illness

We are here to support you in any way we can

🐬

[jadesallywillow in reply to Dolphin14]

😓 thank you. I appreciate everyone on here that took the time to read this. I needed to let this all out.How amazing to find a group. Thank you all

[RS1974]

Welcome to the group 😊 You're like me you worry about everything.

[corgi_fan817]

hi jadesallywillow, it sounds like you have gotten some good advice from people who know how you must feel. Sometimes when I get this way I try to focus on one thing at a time…one little thing. One step, one task, before I go on to something else. It seems to help. You do have a lot going on right now, so what you are feeling is totally rational. I know this is hard but try to see where are going. I think it is great you training to be a surgical tech and I think your mom is helping because she wants you to succeed. I have high hopes for you. Glad you came to this site.