I think it is time

[SourMelon]

I am trying to shed the idea that I need to be 100% that I want to get on HRT. I am so angry with myself that I didn’t start it at a younger age, and I have a feeling that in the future, I will be angry if I don't do it now. I mean this in a very subtle way - it makes me genuinely angry that I even have to take this step. I believe so wholeheartedly that we are all one in God’s eyes and gender to me is simply a construct. Some days, I don't feel separate from anyone at all. However, if gender is a construct - why am I making it so hard for myself to exist every day? I avoided transitioning in the past because I was afraid of what it would do to the people around me. But it just occurred to me - I could die. Like, in seconds. And what will all of them do? What will they say at my funeral?

I think about the perfect wife and mother who puts everyone’s needs before her own - only to succumb to some late stage cancer. I think about how putting her own needs first could have saved her life. I think about my needs and how I don't know what they are. I think about all the masking I have done to simply survive here. How all I have ever wanted was to know peace, security, and comfort. I think about how fleeting those things have always been for me. I think about how much I fear becoming her because I predict that it will not feel secure or peaceful or comfortable. But if I can't make those things happen now and I can’t predict if they will happen then - I can at least know that I will be free and I can stop resisting the pain of not showing up as my authentic self.

And yes, you could argue that I should not need to rely on modern medicine to give me a secure sense of self - but I am telling you. I feel secure about my image in christ. I feel secure in knowing that beyond this realm, gender is not what it is here. I hate the illusion that it matters. It feels selfish and shallow and meaningless. But I have to respect the illusion of it all, don’t I? I mean, I haven't been respecting it - I have been actively resisting it. I did the acceptance thing. I did all the masking and all the blending in and it was never enough. I did it for survival and taking this next step into medically transitioning feels really dumb to say the least, but I know that it may mean more on the other side, and so I am willing to give it a try. Not out of some shallow desire to wear a dress and pretend I am a woman - I don't want to be a woman. I want to exist and not apologize for it or hold myself back. I want to show up as my most authentic self and I want to use all the resources that the world offers me to make that happen. If I should die, I want to say that I didn't just try to understand myself - I want to say that I honored myself.

[linuxusr]

Hello SourMelon: I'm not sure if you like or do not like sour melons! Some people love sour and some do not. It seems like you have A LOT going on and much to sort. I'm having trouble evaluating some of those items because I don't understand the meaning of the acronym HRT. Please explain. I do not live in the United States now but I did for many years and I don't remember hearing about that. If you could explain that, I'll come back here and see if I can get a fix on the various situations, all difficult, that you are presenting, and I'll be of whatever help I can.

[Godless in reply to linuxusr]

HRT stands for hormone replacement therapy.

[linuxusr]

Thank you for explaining, SourLemon! I'm not a professional but I feel that your pain is not pathological but very real and almost "going with the territory" --and I am not diminishing it one bit--in the sense that you are catching it from both ends. From one end great, great tensions, if not dangers, depending on which country and which society you live in. That would be one question: Is there a better place to live than the place you live now and, if so, is it possible to go there and re-make a life? Using as an example the United States, I think about how San Francisco or Palm Springs, CA became magnets--gathering points for folks transitioning and in general LBGQT+. From the other end are the internal conflicts and regrets, including regrets that cannot be undone and that are causing guilt and pain. I would therefore seek a transitioned professional psychotherapist to begin healing on that end. Further, I suspect, although I am not sure, that this particular forum is mostly a cis-gender forum. So, for example, I am cis-gender, so that means that the help I can offer is limited. In this context you might want to search for other forums with members who are not cis-gender. I'm sure than many such places exist. If you would like me to do research to find such places, I will be happy to do that. Meanwhile, come back here anytime, and I will be most happy to chat with you.

[SourMelon in reply to linuxusr]

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond. I am mostly just screaming into the ethers here. I like my home and I am willing to face the consequences of showing up as my new self when the time comes. I have lost so much more by hiding her.

[linuxusr in reply to SourMelon]

You're most welcome, SourLemon. That's good. So it seems that location is not the problem. The problem is that not only the transition a bodily and an emotion one, but it is a transition into coming out into society. That is very frightening. Some will cheer you on but others will not be pleased and that will be painful. But in time you'll learn how to manage it, how to respond (or not respond) to it. Is there anything I can help you with such as researching the net for forums that may be more conducive or anything else? "Screaming into the ether" does not sound so cool. Come back here anytime and I'll be happy to chat.