Time... does it really heal wounds?

[KikiK]

I find myself in a really tough situation which has made my depression and anxiety spiral out of control. Basically i have been married now for 12years 4 kids later and my marriage hasnt been the best. Like when its good its good but when its bad it was all kind of colours in the rainbow bad. But somehow the love for botb my husband and i never dies. But the situation i find myself in is that my mother has always been a big support 4 me i..e i could rely on her for anything but bcoz i reconciled with my husband she is so furious in me. She says she is not.. but she doensnt call me anymore (we spoke and saw each other everyday)nd whenever i visit her now she calls me weak or we just get into an argument. Where i tell her she will just never understand why i go back everytime or my husband and i reconcile. She says yes there are many kids with single parents. I know that but there are so many reasons as to why i want to stay not only for my kids and myself but many reasons. I am back home now with my husband and i cant help but think like where did it go all wrong? Not 4 my husband and my mothers relationship but just like question always 'what did i ever do in my life to deserve this kind of stress ir problems or heart ache?' I even hope that coz God has given me such trials in my life i sometimes hope and pray that i am being punished so my girls wont have to deal with problems in theirs. My mother was ny best friend i could just vent to her about the problems in my marriage but now i see how wrong that was coz now she throws it in my face 'how can u want to stay with some1 like that?' Or 'I didnt think i raised some1 so weak and pathetic to want to stay with man'. And becoz i am some1 who avoids conflict when it arises e.g. argument with some1 like my mother or husband i cry. So becoz i did that today again with my mom she says 'u weak coz u cry , stop crying! Why u crying!'. Its hard being me it always is...

[Stilltrying_]

Sounds like a difficult and complex situation (emotions are complex for all of us!! ) . I guess she feels let down as she supported you when you were telling her all the bad things about him but you didn't take her advice in the end.

Yes life and love and relationships can be complicated and you may feel its right to go back to him and no-one has the right to decide about that but you; but maybe give it a few days with your mum. Eventually she may start talking to you again if you give her a break; but I don't think she will support you any more if you want support against your husband in the future as she will see you going back to him as a betrayal of her help.

So any problems you have with your husband in the future you need not to tell your mum about it but rely on another friend or keep it to yourself. Hope this helps x

[AZ1970]

It sounds like your mom is abusive. It doesn’t surprise me that you have challenges in your marriage. Those of us who have unhealthy parents tend to have unhealthy relationship patterns. This is your life. Are you able to take a break from your mom? I also would not discuss your marriage with her anymore. It seems she isn’t handling the ups and downs very well. Also, you do not need to be verbally abused for crying. Have you received therapy for codependency and boundaries? It has helped me tremendously.

[fauxartist]

I would work out a time to get together with your mom, no kids or other things going on, go out to lunch and away from outside influences. And explain to your mom, that you love her with all your heart and know that she want's only the best for you and hates anyone that would hurt you. But as long as you are in this marriage....you would ask that she respect your decision and let you go through it right or wrong...and that she does not have to like him, but don't cut you out because of her feelings for your husband. Just explain to her that subject can just be off the table as it only causes grief between the both of you and your want you mother back. At the same time...you cannot come to her for advice about your marriage or complain to her about it because that only opens the door for un-wanted advice or aggravation....it's the only way... she has grand kids, and you....remind her to just focus on that.

[KikiK in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you for the advice. I will take it 1 day hopefully soon when she has maybe simmered down a little. Coz she has 'cut me off' financially and says i am on my own with my kids i.e. if i want to go out with friends which might i add is like once every 3months or when i need to study i musnt ask her to babysit. Too add when ever i do try to talk she spills out only the bad in my marriage or just says i am weak or pathetic. And just being around her just makes me more depressed at this is how she treats me coz i reconciled. But thank you and hopefully soon 1 day i can look back at this just being something i went thry and not still currently going thru it.

[fauxartist in reply to KikiK]

it's not very supportive to blackmail and hold you hostage financially...that's kind of toxic and very unhealthy....it may not be a bad idea to avoid her anyway for a while unfortunately.....what she is doing is not loving at all. Every relationship with a parent has it's ups and downs, they are people too and fallible, but certain things just cross too many comfort boundaries and parent or not....you have to take care of yourself around that kind of behavior.....in time things may change....or not. Either way becoming as self sustainable as you can will in the long run benefit you.

[quitter333]

does it really heal wounds?

..

yes. Just stop thinking and remembering past. It's after all only from your perspective, and if it hurt you - well, the whole bigger reason to forget.

My greatest strategy, that worked for decades dealing with past

1. remember the thing that happened with you.

2. is there a principle or lesson you can learn from it? Exampla gratia - you got abused by parents. You can learn - I will not abuse my children. Don't concern yourself with insignificant details. You want only real life big lessons.

3. If there is no principle or lesson - forget it. If there was - you will hence only remember that lesson. repeat it. forget the event. It is meaningless to remember it, as you are the only one who remembers it in those details.

4. To forget - imagine event printed on paper. Imagine paper burning away.

repeat till mind is clear.

and never again I have felt bad about past. Naturally I operate with recent events fully, but never care about past. I only remember things that need to be remembered. Like where I put my map of documents 2 years ago.

[crowningglory19]

I"m sorry things are so hard for you! You don't speak of what the hard times are with your husband. If it's abuse, please don't go back into that again and again, it will not change unless you use tough love and even then it takes a miracle. An abusive man is always an abusive man barring a miraculous change of heart and soul. If it is not abuse, (emotional, verbal or physical) and I could understand your Mom being upset if you go back to that. Sometimes worry can come across as anger or even cause anger because of helplessness on her part. Are there drugs or alcohol involved? Those also are very hard, near impossible, to overcome and get away from. If any of these things are part of the problem, it is dangerous for you and for your kids to stay there. If it is other less harmful problems that are common in marriage, keep working on it with prayer. Have you seen the movie The Prayer Closet? Very good. Anyway, choose wisely for your own safety and your kids. Blessings and prayers!

[KikiK in reply to crowningglory19]

Thank you for your response and advice. It is truly appreciated. With regards to what kinds of problems i have faced it was not supporting his family the way he should 100%. Coz my mom would support and help out also alot of th times. And when we argue he would most of time say i should pack up my bags and leave. There has also been arguments where his mother in the past would get invovled and start arguing with me too. And take this is mind i am not a confrontational person so when people argue i tend to back off and keep queit. And even with this in the arguments mh husband will then ensure that his anger comes across by shouting, name calling and threatening me with divorce. I know i didnt have normal marriage problems which makes it hard. And tough 4 kids later. I just hopeand pray that hopefully this time around round #8 that our marriage works out.

[crowningglory19 in reply to KikiK]

Well, that is harsh to constantly be brought up about divorce, either it's his insecurity that you really will or a manipulation to make you stay like some narcissists do. If you continually reassure them by saying you won't leave, it makes it that you can't leave and go back on your word, it's like reverse psychology. In the end it is up to you, and each time you go back, he may get worse since he knows you will continually come back. There is a great book out called Love must be Tough, it talks about how to win in these difficult situations. Hoping for you and your kids, things get better. <3