This is my second post; my first post was submitted while I was in severe crisis a few months ago. While I’m not where I was, I’m still not where I want to be…
Thank you all for being here and sharing your most vulnerable moments in this forum. Your posts have gotten me through the darkest periods of this illness. When I feel I can’t go on, I come here and connect with you all, silently, because you share what I am going through. Agora1, you are a blessing to so many, in so many ways, and I am grateful for you, wherever you may be in this enormous world ❤️.
While I still deal with severe paranoia, fear, worry, intrusive thoughts, panic, agoraphobia, and anxiety, I am coping better. Writing in my journal has proven more useful than I thought at the onset. I worked with a therapist for the first three months and realized I felt worse after our sessions; we were not a good fit. I decided to end the relationship at the start of December because I needed more than the experience they had; I want to be better equipped to survive this storm. Now I am getting setup with a psychologist in my local area (the previous practioner was an LCSW about two and a half hours away, but still in the same state).
To get to the point, I’ve learned from reading some of Claire Weekes (thanks to your recommendations 🤗) that fear comes from guilt and I had no idea how much my past was haunting me until my nervous breakdown in July. The catastrophic thoughts have been building for almost two years and I was living on autopilot experiencing all of those negative emotions. I am learning to forgive myself so that the darkness from my past does not continue to paralyze me. Spending day-after-day in bed, frozen, keeps me stagnant and not moving forward; although that is where I feel safe. Being in a dark room, removed from the world, has been unhealthy and I am starting to realize that now. I sat in front of a window today, for the first time in months, and allowed the sun to shine on me for several hours; I FELT ALIVE AGAIN!
I am learning to let go and embrace the unknown, come what may. Our time is limited on this earth and I do not want to spend my days fighting an invisible monster, even if they turn out to be my last. I am accepting that I have no control over the future, but I do have control over the present and that is what I am trying to hold on to.
It’s been almost six months of this nightmare, but I will not give up. Thank you all for the courage and inspiration to keep going! Please feel free to engage with me as I live in isolation and your friendships are welcomed. 🙂
Until next time…
Rayn
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raynonme
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Hi Beevee. I have read so many of your posts/replies and they have been a light in the darkness. Thank you for being here. 🙂
I am learning to allow the anxiety to run its course. When I relax and acknowledge, thereafter I start to feel the anxiety dissipate, until it returns again. I also ask myself, has this whole debacle been about control? Has my ego driven me to the point of almost self destructing? I am learning to accept that I can only control what is happening in the present, BUT it is hard and I still fall short at times. Being vulnerable to negative emotions is painful and trying.
If I have understood you correctly, the only thing I would suggest is giving up control completely but recognise that people have their own way [and explanation] of coping the right way with the symptoms by just letting them be there and doing absolutely nothing to change it.
I imagined that my anxiety was represented by a large tank of water [other drinks are available 🤣] and that recovery would happen when the tank was drained. If i resisted the symptoms [deliberate distraction, suppression, avoidance etc] the tank would be topped up. If I fuly accepted it all, the tap would be left open.
Let me know if i missed the point! It's late here 🌙
Yes, you understood me correctly Beevee. I actually had an episode a short while ago and I just sat there, felt the anxiety, allowed the fearful thoughts and my body to be tense. Now I’m starting to relax again. I am severely sensitized, at present, so I’m easily triggered. However, I am trying to just be and let it flow. 🙂
Thank you Agora1. This has been quite the journey and I learn something new about my ability to overcome everyday. It’s so hard. The slightest thing triggers negative thoughts and then my mind if off to the races. But I’m getting better at recognizing what sets me off and talking myself off a ledge. This community has been integral in my healing process.
I like so many others know what you are going through. When my anxiety is terrible I can't leave the house because I'm too scared that something may happen. What has helped is understanding I'm not in control and what I can control is so minimal that sometimes knowing that is enough. Keep journaling and know you're not alone because that's usually what sends us down that hole.
I have not reached that level of understanding yet, and struggle tremendously trying to control my anxiety. How can you accept something that feels so scary and like you are never going to get better? It's awful! If anyone has any specific advice, it would really be appreciated. I have just ordered the Weeks book, so hopefully I can be objective enough to have an open mind.
Background: I am going through severe withdrawal symptoms from effexor, and that is complicating, and also causing, much of this anxiety. I want my life back!
It's hard and it's taken me being on meds for 8yrs and 2yrs of therapy, which I still do, to get to this point. I can't speak on effexor as I've never taken it, but group therapy really helps, getting outside as scary as it can be helps, you can get through this.
MM08, I feel you and I struggle with you. There are days when I feel like I cannot go on because I am so afraid of what may happen the next second or minute. But then I start rationalizing my thoughts. Trying to use logic. For example, I live in a house. It is winter in the US and the structure of the home is built of wood. The cold is causing the wood to expand and contract which makes noises as if there is something living in the walls. There is knocking, tapping, and all sorts of sounds. My mind has even told me that there was something in the walls monitoring my movements (no BS). In those moments of irrational thought, I try to talk some sense into my head like, “how likely is that to occur?”
My point is, rationalizing with my left brain has saved me on many occasions from crossing over into psychosis. It doesn’t work all the time, but I at least make the effort.
I am always up for a chat if you need to connect MM08. It would help me too.
Thank you Blw646. The fear that has taken over my life is the thought of something bad happening to me if I step foot outside the door. It’s horrifying, still, after almost six months of being a prisoner in the four walls of my home. I want to go outside and in my mind I am inching closer to it. However, I have not been able to muster up the courage to crossover the threshold. I try to give myself credit for even wanting to go outside because in July, the thought did not exist.
I had a minor crisis back in March (for about a month) where fear had taken over, I could not bring myself to leave the house) and I read The Power of Now by Eckart Tolle. For some strange reason, I was able to go outside, get in my car, and say the hell with it. If something happens, what’s the worst that anybody can do to me…kill me? They cannot take my soul. That mindset worked at that time. It’s not working this time around though.
I’ll keep journaling and trying to reframe my thoughts as I’m sure there is some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain.
We're all in it together. An important lesson and it's hard to do is to lean into it. The fear I mean. I still have trouble doing it because it's uncomfortable but it's something that will help a lot.
If you fully embrace the 4 principles of recovery described by Dr Weekes, recovery will eventually follow.
1] Face those fears. Most aren't real and those that might be are grossly exaggerated in an anxious state. Anxiety is the master at blowing things way out of proportion and having you believe it all. It creates fears that simply wouldnt exist if you weren't anxious.
2] Accept, and 3] float past all thoughts and feelings. In other words, be OK about not feeling OK. In the words of the Beatles track playing right now on my radio and most definitely words of wisdom, Let it Be.
4] Let time pass. It takes time to develop a genuine attitude of acceptance towards those pesky, false symptoms and for nerves to desensitise after the severe beating you have given them through your constant worry, stress and fear about the symptoms.
Time is the healer. Don't put a date on it either. As I learned, if you go chasing for recovery, it eludes you. Let recovery find you. It will creep up on you to the extent that you might not even notice that those anxious thoughts and feelings are no longer there. They simply melt away to nothing because your brain is no longer trying to protect you 24/7 and churning out all that false crap.
Hi, it sounds like you have been through a lot. Everyday is a challenge for many of us, but we try to get through the best way we can. I am glad that you are able to get out of bed, and go face the day. We are all special and have different obstacles that try to trip us up. Continue with what you are doing, and I always am here to talk.🦝🦝🦝
I like your nickname, if it’s pronounced “rain on me” and even if it’s not, I actually love the rain.
The only advice I can give, from personal experiences, is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), which is a therapy whereby you learn to be your own therapist; a low dose (50mg) of Sertraline (a generic Zoloft); and taking small steps. These have helped a lot with my anxiety, and helped me to take life in the present moment as it comes and succeed.
Hope this helps and remember that getting your thoughts and feelings out (like you have done here) can help in crisis and maintenance.
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xx
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