I said I'll marry her - but I feel stuck.

[RonaldoCR7]

Hi, I am a man in my late 20s. I have been in a relationship for a year. I met a a woman, we got really well, but things turned a bit south, as I was struggling with parents and cultural differences. Not ever really ever being in this place where I was so serious about someone and my feelings being so strong. My parents were not so keen and I ended it, cos I felt things have not been plain sailing after 7 months, theres some issues here and it didn't feel with it for me. When I ended it, I never expected extreme emotional response, and she came chasing after me to see me and try to fix it. I was taken aback. I became even more self conflicted and was struggling . I kept ending, and the reaction was so emotionally extreme. Happened again in a cycle for several months.

But I was in love and couldn't leave. I was confused about my feelings, my thoughts.

There was a 2 week gap where I thought it was over and moving on. Then she messaged me. Angry and upset. Then it restarted again. Eventually, I got to a point where I felt I was ready and I decided I want to get married. But now I'm just stuck in my head again...

I love her. But. There's been so much turbulence, resentment built-up, disrespect for me, I have not been the driver of the relationship or pushed anything. I feel lost. She wants me to confirm.a date for an engagement. I said I will tomorrow.

I feel lost, anxious, in love, don't want to lose her, lose what we did share. Etc. I do t want to feel like I'm being pushed -cos that's how I've been throughout this whole relationship, I've not bene proactive.

I need help. I feel bad if I say now. No, I can't do this. Also, I feel bad, like I lose her, and see her sith someoneelse and not be able to get thr good we had back in a future .relationships...

I'm just lost, anxious...asking is she truly right for me? What are my feelings? Fear...etc. I think she has ADHD...seeing her extreme anger. I see here extreme love, she's beautiful...

Hope anyone can help.

[RS1974]

You're young sweetie. Take your time and make sure it's the right thing to do. Good decisions never happen when you rush into things.

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to RS1974]

Thank you. The emotional turbulence from when I ended was alot. Maybe I was immature/lacked experience in how I ended it and then getting back together.

[Toastersrule]

Love isn't always enough. Sometimes you have to look past how much you want her and think about how this will affect her too. Love is a complicated emotion that almost never makes sense and never follows logic. Just because you love each other doesn't mean you guys need to reshape each other's personalities to be compatible again. Wouldn't that take the love of of the equation? Unless you got into this relationship wanting to change each other, you love excited for who you guys are not who you could be. In short neither of you guys are what the other one needs right now. What you guys are seeking is familiarity because when you guys were together things were easier because you didn't have to think about these issues. But that doesn't mean they weren't there. Getting married won't make these issues disappear just like getting back together isn't going to. Sorry, I'm kind of a rambler but I bolded the take-aways to make it easier. And I'm just saying I'm no expert just a high schooler who's seen too many relationships fail. Just think about everything nobody knows the situation better than you but getting professional advice is never a bad option.

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to Toastersrule]

No problem. Thanks for your view

[Beavis2022]

It's a terrible dillema many have faced - You love the good, but hate the bad. If you split, you're going to feel loneliness and sad, but it might be just the companionship you'd be missing. Any split up is very hard. If she shows that much anger, it's not going to change. Marriage solves none of these problems. Please keep putting it off if you can, and find people to talk to about this. Google websites about abusive people, even if they are fun and charming, the negative part can ruin your life and waste your time. Sorry about this.....

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to Beavis2022]

Yeah, I know there's things unfortunately I lack. Cos of cultural set up, parents involved - I don't have the freedom to become better. Feel rushed. She has more experience in that regard. Whilst I'm making some basic mess up poor communication, things I need to do as a man...i feel abit behind. I'm sort of figuring myself abit. She has been my best teacher in a very painful way, she has some resentment and disrespect towards me cos of my lacking and stalling, being in love but unsure. Driving her mad. I feel bad

[Beavis2022 in reply to RonaldoCR7]

You are really no different from anyone who's unsure about a relationship, I'd keep stringing her along, see what happens, Just don't marry. I see it as more her fault than yours, with her anger, resentment, That's who she is, Who knows if it's ADHD, whatever. You are a person, too, and need to be treated with respect and patience. Might be just part of her personality, and that won't change. Anyway, I feel for you; we've really all been through this, so painful to decide.

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to Beavis2022]

Thank you. I appreciate your words. The other day she got so angry. I don't blame her being angry tbh, i don't. I didn't chase up speaking to my family about some date to go to their house fot an engagement, bare in mind time quite some time has passed. But I have abit of a problem on my side which is causing me to delay and the head ache dealing with my parents. So I kept delaying a date, cos i need my family to attend or else I'd feel weird/ parents not being there and just going on my own. Anyway, she lost her shit cos I didn't have a date for the engagement. I was like shit...but I didn't want to just do something cos she was angry. Even though it was my fault. Its not genuine then, I'd just be caving. I couldn't give her a date. Her parents were gonna ask about it. If not it would end. She kater threaten to cut herself and I was like fuck, i got scared...I've been calculating in my head are her responses reflective of the situaiton. That has also kept me withdrawn somewhat and not acting so swiftly and fighting. This is how I feel.

[Beavis2022 in reply to RonaldoCR7]

So Sorry - she's not respecting your feelings at all; you need time, she knows this, but doesn't think of you, only herself. And cutting? That's nuts, immature, and shows you how she'll behave in the future when she doesn't get her way. If you can be very brave, tell your family exactly how you feel, maybe you'll get some support. You need some relief from all this stress.

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to Beavis2022]

Thank you for your words and understanding..I suppress them which leads me to not communicate.i feel that, if she doesn't get her way it makes her upset. Soemtimes anyway....it's an argument usually.

[Midori]

Is she possibly being too intense? Stalking, maybe? Needy?

Are you feeling hunted, perhaps?

You are probably doing the right thing for yourself by holding her at arms length.

You mention a clash of cultures: could she be under pressure from her family to marry? In her family's eyes, getting past the best childbearing years? Or do your family disapprove of her?

Cheers, Midori

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to Midori]

She's super bold, more life experience than me. I'm abit reactive and blasé, which I need to change if I want go succeed in a relationship. Been apai ful teacher this relationship. Different region in same South Asian country. But both from, and born in the UK. Yeah she's now past her best birth bearing years. My parents disapprove of her...so I feel I'm going against my parents/ culture.

[Midori]

That's difficult; you are being pulled both ways, between your girlfriend and the family. She is older than You? Not the best bet for a relationship, especially if your parents want grandkids.

Think about it; if she is pressurising you now, how will she react if her children turn out to be less than perfect?. Are you willing to take the blame for it if she blames you? To me, it sounds as if her family are either putting pressure on her to marry someone, anyone, in order to get grandkids.

Please try to talk with your parents about the situation, calmly, and try to see their point of view.

Cheers, Midori

[ACE135]

It sounds like she has anger issues which is not good for a start. The fact you feel pressured into setting a date for the wedding is not a good sign. Getting engaged so soon after getting back together seems like a way to "pave over the cracks". I think you should be honest with her and tell her things are moving too quickly. Are you scared of her? I wouldn't get married unless you're 100 percent sure you want to spend the rest of your life being with her and only her. It's okay to take your time, there is no need to rush anything.

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to ACE135]

Thanks for your words, appreciate it alot. I'm just lost, I don't know why I even got back together with her, and now it's here. Love makes you do some stupid things. End of the day, I guess I can end things, no matter the consequences. Truly, even if it is painful to bear for sometime.

I'm just lost. I'm scared cos of - maybe future self-harm, and unnecessary explosion and feeling like if i do anything, used against me. If maybe I do something or not, what will it take next time for her to be that angry, let's say. You love someone alot, how much can you tolerate someone you love. I don't deserve the anger and words from her, for what I did wrong. I understand the anger, but inside me i remember the words and it has pushed me away and reduced my motivation to drive this forward. I feel like a fool. I tried to leave a number of times before, but the overwhelming emotional response - begging not leave, bringing me down, the love - it's complicated. My emotions were messed then and I was stuck.

[ACE135 in reply to RonaldoCR7]

I can understand your confusion and feeling overwhelmed and lost. I broke up with my partner due to him having anger issues amongst many other issues. I was surprised by the emotional pain I felt when I did finally break up with him. He hounded me and I had to get the police involved. It was very dramatic, but I don't regret breaking up with him. I think you know you need to break up with her. If she self-harms, that is not on you. She is responsible for herself. You could perhaps let one of her loved ones know she has threatened to hurt herself, then at least that way you have done what you can. Please don't stay in a relationship for that reason. You deserve to live the life you want and not be trapped. Some relationships are so toxic. If you feel overwhelmed at the thought of never seeing her again, you could tell yourself that maybe in a years time you could get back together, but I have a feeling if you break up with her you will feel a huge relief. Also, if you want to avoid any confrontation and aggression, you could break up with her via a handwritten letter or over the phone. I know that sounds brutal, but it's just a suggestion. You do what feels best.

[ACE135]

Hey RonaldoCR7,

Hope you're okay. Keep us updated and let us know how you're getting on.

Take care,

Ace

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to ACE135]

Thanks I'm. Okay. - moving to fast.. Second time for marriage. I'm an idiot for not getting a control of myself. Hope your doing okay.

[ACE135 in reply to RonaldoCR7]

Does that mean you've broke it off or perhaps taking a break from each other. Thanks, I'm doing good. Just chilling this weekend.

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to ACE135]

Still together, but doesn't look good.- how my it's unraveled.

[ACE135 in reply to RonaldoCR7]

I hope you get things sorted one way or the other. It's not nice feeling stuck in a bad relationship.

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to ACE135]

She won't leave me. If I leave, it's gonna be chaos, I guess I don't want to leave either. She is holding onto me and does everything to. Show her love. She travelled 3 hours at 10pm to see me. Randomly... Its crazy.

[Midori in reply to RonaldoCR7]

To me, it's showing up red flags. She is clinging on to you, when she could find another, but if her family are pressurising her It could show up difficulties later on.

You could even end up hating each other, which could lead to other problems. You are only in your 20's, plenty of time for you to find another girl. Please be very wary.

Cheers, Midori

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to Midori]

Well I just turned 30 and she's slightly older. So many emotions and feel all over the place. Hard to let go.

[Midori in reply to RonaldoCR7]

Sometimes, for your own sanity, you need to make a break. Only you can make this decision though. We can only make suggestions and support you in your choice.

You need to weigh up the pros and cons of the situation before making your choice, and then stick with it.

Cheers, Midori

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to Midori]

Sure. Makes sense. Relationships are funny, thr most challenging parts of your life. Thank you.

[Midori in reply to RonaldoCR7]

No problem. Being Old, I have had more than my share of strange relationships.

Cheers, Midori

[ACE135 in reply to RonaldoCR7]

You still seem really confused. Take some space and time. I’m sure you will work out what you want when you’ve had some time to yourself.

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to ACE135]

Yeah, that's sensible. Become a bit pressured.

[earthbound]

Hi, how are you doing? I hope you haven't been overly stressing about this. I just wanted to say - love is such an illogical emotion. And as another commenter expressed, sometimes it is not enough to overcome certain things. But I also believe that if both people genuinely love each other - not for the potential they see, or what the other can provide/accomplish for them - there is always a way to grow and change and evolve together.

You mentioned in a reply that "My parents disapprove of her... so I feel I'm going against my parents/ culture". The question isn't really what your parents think, but why do you allow their opinion to dictate your decision here? I understand respecting your parents and also believing that they want the best for you. The reality, though, is that you have to make this decision for yourself. Do you want to marry this woman because you love her, or because you're afraid of exacerbating her negative emotions? She's also threatened self-harm, and in doing so she's made you afraid. Even if you know deep down that this isn't what's right for you, it doesn't change the fact that you care about this person's wellbeing and don't want her to be hurt. Try and recognize the old saying - you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Anything that she does or says is not your fault.

Do you want to marry her, or are you just settling because you think that these are the strongest feelings you've ever had? You're only in your 20s - barely lived life! I remember being 23 and then 24 and god, my life changed so much in the span of a year. Give yourself some grace and make the right decision for YOU, not for her or your parents. And COMMUNICATE why, even if it's not received well. Say what is on your mind and in your heart so at least everything's on the table and in time, they can process on their own. The worst thing you could do is just let this happen to you because you couldn't speak up about how you feel. Be well!

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to earthbound]

Thank you for your words.

[CLB1125]

my suggestion is this: if you’re not sure yet and you’re being pressured to set a date, tell her in one year. And she has to agree to couples counseling. It doesn’t have to cost anything. In certain religions it’s mandatory to attend premarital meetings by the priest or clergy person of whoever is marrying you. I hope you can find the answer that’s best for you.

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to CLB1125]

Thank for the suggestion. Its a wise move.

[Coolgreys]

Stringing someone along just to see what happens is cruel and never wise. It’ll be more confusing for everyone. Just make a clean break. You deserve to be with someone you’re sure about and she deserves to be with someone who is sure about her. It’s not kind to play with her heart. It’ll make anyone mad. Mutual respect.

[RonaldoCR7 in reply to Coolgreys]

I meant the counselling sessions is wise. That's important.