Choosing to be alone this Christmas 🎄

[HopeforMiami]

I wish all of you a very happy holiday 🙏❤️I have chosen to stop putting myself in the same situation that I've been in ever since my Mom died.

This was during the time my life imploded on me. When I lost everything and trauma, stress, anxiety and depression changed my life forever.

After my Mom's funeral, my brother-in-law told me that he would be the head of the family now, meaning that I would have to fall in line. It was an ugly moment, and his timing made it more disgusting.

I knew what he meant and I was too overwhelmed with my situation and just dismissed him. And ever since then I've been left out of "his" family.

For so many years now, I am only welcome twice a year. For Thanksgiving and Christmas.

My sisters continue doing things together, dinners, outings, children's and adult's birthdays, vacations, and just being together without me.

So every year, as the holidays get closer, I get that horrible feeling about seeing my family on these 2 days and playing along like everything is normal. Sometimes I've had so much anxiety I haven't been able to make it, but I usually go, believing that there's some hope I could have my family back.

I didn't really understand what major depressive disorder was, even as I was plunging head first into it. And when I called my ADD psychiatrist, because I couldn't stop crying all the time, not knowing which of the multiple deaths, or losses, or traumas I was crying about, he only said he wished I had called him sooner.

So, I've had to deal with all the challenges and hardships that come with it without any support from my family. I've had some money from my wealthy sister reluctantly thrown my way to keep me from being homeless again. After loosing my house (I called it my "rainforest" because it was the wild and lush tree covered haven, which I had bought by myself that I loved the most).

And after being evicted from my first rental apartment, that she felt it was her duty to help me finally, even though I had to beg and take a lot of telling off to get her help.

This year, I just decided to stop playing along with the charade. I texted my little sister and told her about the anxiety and how uncomfortable and bittersweet it was for me to go there knowing that for the rest of the year I would be forgotten.

She texted me this morning and said "sorry, we missed you."

And asked her if they missed me the rest of the year, and that I always missed them and wished her a Merry Christmas.

I don't think anything is going to change. They don't care enough to challenge my brother in-law and I give up.

[optimismrus]

I'm so glad you can tell us all about what's happened. I read your bio, too, and wow, you've been hit really hard. You're not alone. Also, letting go of a family that doesn't support or value you, was a good choice. Remember, you are growing and changing and becoming more. You so deserve feeling at peace inside. Our relationship with ourself is the most important relationship we will ever have. I need to remind myself all the time. Thanks for sharing 🥰

[HopeforMiami in reply to optimismrus]

Thank you optimism. Your support means a lot. I just don't know how to fill the hole. I didn't really let them go, I think I just accepted that they let me go.

I've always been my own person and I know that I'm lucky that I wasn't disempowered as a child.

But it's weird and hard to get used to, coming from a big family - one of my sisters marries an asshole and he takes over, they all follow because he's got the money and power.

It's bizarre!!

[Downinil]

🤗

[optimismrus]

It is bizarre, but not that unusual. I've struggled with these issues, too, and it is painful. I'm sorry you have to work this thru. You can do it. Your young and strong and you want to grow. But it's harder if we're stuck in "blaming". Forgive the ones you can and let go. Buddha said something I love, "Accept what is, let go of what was, trust in what's to come." 🥰

[HopeforMiami in reply to optimismrus]

Hi. I've been away, but I just wanted to thank you for your support and encouragement.

I was patiently hopeful for so many years, so it was a really big step for me to finally accept that my family is not going to be whole again. And yes, I blamed him for it.

But I'm actually feeling unburdened now. It was a very painful situation, and I don't have to watch him be mean to my family anymore. I know he had a tough childhood and I can see how that shaped him. And I know it's up to them how to deal with it. So I'm still sending nice texts to my sisters once in a while to let them know that I love them.

And I love Buddhism too! It's been very healing for me. I learned a lot about acceptance and compassion through the concept of dependent origination. And watching talks by The Dalai Lama were so soothing. I really love him and I get sad watching him get older. He's been really important in my life and my healing.

But I have to say that it's really important to validate emotions that are normal responses to genuine situations, before we can move on to acceptance and forgiving. I've had to discuss this with my son about his dad, because sometimes it's hard to process repressed anger towards someone you love. But righteous anger can be healthy in keeping us from turning it inwards toward ourselves. When I was going through all the bad stuff, I had a therapist who kept asking me to hold on to the anger I was feeling towards my mom. I know, it sounded awful to me, but I did it. And soon enough it just went away and I understood the whole thing. And at that moment I learned to love my mom as a woman instead of a child.

I strongly believe that we have to validate our pain and learn self-compassion in order to know true compassion for others.

Does that make sense to you?

[optimismrus]

Hi Hope. You're right, most of us here, hopefully have learned or are learning that the suffering we've experienced is making us compassionate. And we do need to validate it, too. This recovery is not for sissies. But if we hang in there and take the next necessary step, the teacher will appear. We will finally understand what the Buddha said, "Accept what is, let go of what was, trust in what is to come". Best wishes for your continued growth. 🥰

[HopeforMiami]

You're right it's not for sissies. But I feel for those who can't cope because I've had the feeling before. We have challenges other people have no awareness or understanding about. And I think you're wise when you can learn the Buddha's teachings.

It's been great to connect with you and I appreciate you, as well as your support and wisdom. 🙏

Best wishes to you as well ❤️