I lost my friendship in August this year... It it's been 4 months and I never thought grief would be so crippling. I thought I will manage somehow like I always do. Logically it was a good decision as friendship was turning toxic and we were losing interest in each other.
She was my school friend so hurt I am experiencing is deep. Now that I don't have any direct verbal communication with her. She is indirectly making her presence known.
In past, She said some extremely cruel things to me, made me feel inferior, unsupported and even mental case (said to me that her husband says to her that how come all your friends are mentally unstable)
She also misguided me in past, pressurized me to try coping (with my clinical depression) using unhealthy coping mechanisms, including substances + adviced me to go for sexual relations (one night stand types which I completely l hate, I belive in deep intimacy and commitment). All these advices were there when I was at my lowest and extremely vulnerable. I didn't agree with any of those and even confronted her (she is from psychology background you know, 🤣).
The kind of toxicity that was building up intensified when I started looking for other "healthy" individuals who can support me positively and dont push me further towards path of destruction (as I am only breadwinner of my family so can't afford to get off track). This move of mine was so triggering for her that she started blaming me and putting everything on me that I am not taking care of our friendship. She literally gaslighted me to believe that all the struggles I am experiencing (family related) are not their fault but my fault somehow.
All this was beyond my capacity to tolerate and therefore I ghosted her, (the guilt of which I am still processing because I loved her and she liked me little) I don't have energy to go fix friendship with her when I know that this one sided thing is not going to take me anywhere.
On my birthday she called me and my family seperately and continuously. Nobody picked and she didn't even stop there.
It is heavy you know when you try to move on and your trigger keeps appearing out of nowhere.
Today's post is about her attempt to show me that she cares. She has started to comment on my social media posts that I can't delete. Presence on those platform (real identity) are necessary for me (for my career and better job, so I cant really do much, although I can block but she still can use other ID's to stalk me. She doesn't respect my boundaries even now. She didn't change even little bit. ( she was emotionally unavailable for me most of the time when I was friends with her)
All she wants is attention and all that she is giving to me is tension. God knows how I am Managing all this. I don't even have support of my father, he left our entire family to choose his other family. He was everything to me, but now that even he is not there to support me in anyway I feel so so abandoned. ( he is not dead but "dead for us"- he even said that)
You know what I feels like - "like someone has abandoned you in the middle of ocean and now they are coming back to see what sharks did to you and if you are somehow managing to get to the shore, they want to fail that attempt of yours."
I really want strength from God and also permanent distance from my manipulative friend who is indirectly showing that "she supports me even now when there is no friendship and here I am, holding grudges against her. I want this guilt to go.
Please please pray for me.
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