Insecurities influencing interpretations

[Amiwrong]

I know I have deep rooted insecurities from childhood and that impacts how I react to others, and so sometimes I question whether my feelings from an interaction is extreme due to my insecurities or if it’s actually a legitimate response.

Almost every time I see my boyfriend he says something that hurts my feelings. For example, this time I asked him what he’s been watching lately on tv (I see him every weekend). I proceeded to say that I’ve been watching a lot of the baking show “Nailed It”. He said that it was a waste of time. I asked why and he said if you watch shows you should get something out of it. Even if it means you get lost in another world or another time period, or you learn about history or relationships between people, or whatever.

I disagreed that you have to get something significant out of what you’re watching (then he got stuck on my use of the the word “have to” but that’s a whole other thing with us lol). Even though I disagree, and I know it’s ok to watch whatever, I still felt shitty about what he said.

The time before that he said I needed more sun (I’m super pale naturally). I asked why and he said because it’s healthy and I will look more healthy. I said that I was healthy and getting a tan does not mean I am healthy. Plus, I will burn, brown a little and then go white again in the winter. This happens because I’m white! Really white! This is who I am. Again, though I know he isn’t right, I still feel bad about myself that I am so pale.

What’s happening now is that each time he says something that impacts me negatively emotionally it’s like my body or mind is saving it all up and I’m liking him less and less. I want to let it just roll off my back for my sake and for the sake of the relationship, but it’s like I have no control over it.

[Agora1]

Hi Amiwrong, it's true in that we have no control over what someone may say to us

however, we do have control in how we accept their criticism. Being your boyfriend,

it's sad and maybe even cruel to put you down when you are already suffering from

insecurities. Keeping quiet and letting it slide off your back for the sake of the

relationship isn't healthy. You see, it isn't sliding away but piling up in your subconscious

mind making you dislike him more and more.

You could have a talk with him regarding your feelings when he says those things to you.

Nothing worse than someone putting their short comings on someone else.

I hope this is somehow works out between you two. xx

[Amiwrong in reply to Agora1]

Agora1, Thank you for your insights. So, if it bothers me then it won’t just slide away, until it’s addressed. What do you think it says about him for being critical, or combative, or opinionated, or whatever it is he’s doing?

When he says these things it would actually be good practice for me to speak up. Really heated arguments its very hard, but things like this I think I can try.

[Agora1 in reply to Amiwrong]

Amiwrong, I have always thought as adults, we should be able to have a conversation

without it getting heated. I don't want to see you getting yourself in a more stressful

situation by it going into a heated argument. That doesn't really address the issue.

As for why he does this, usually it's because he thinks he is better than you. Does he

see himself having no negative issues as to who he is and what he is getting out of

saying these things to you. You deserve better than this. I am not a therapist dear

and of course, the answer is what you feel most comfortable in doing. It's your life,

your choice. My best to you xx

[Amiwrong in reply to Agora1]

He knows he has issues too, but he definitely thinks highly of himself lol. I think he thinks I’m great but he’s not very tactful with how he chooses his words.

Things often get heated but only when we talk about mental health. I get triggered and feel a strong need to defend, or to explain things, and then there’s a back and forth and we go in circles and I get confused and forget what I’m saying.

I do like that I’m getting validation here though. Makes me feel like I’m not completely in the wrong.

[Agora1 in reply to Amiwrong]

I hear you Amiwrong...it's understandably hurtful when words are said regarding

mental health. If someone doesn't understand the invisible pain of our emotional

health, no one wins by arguing. I use to try and explain away the feelings as well

but it doesn't work if they don't comprehend what we are saying.

I now walk away after they say their piece and meditate my hurt feelings away.

Which now only takes a couple seconds. I've learned through the years that no

one or anything can or will take my peace of mind away. I'm worthy than more

than that. xx

[mizzou7016 in reply to Amiwrong]

if he respects you enough as a human, he wouldn't put you in a position to doubt yourself and question yourself....he would be supportive of you and encourage you to be the best person you could be....what he is doing is very narcissistic and is not healthy for your mind...I am constantly reminding my so that she can do anything she sets her mind to and that I will support her in anything she does.....

[mizzou7016]

and another thing....it bothers me....that someone who supposedly loves you....can be so nasty and treat you so mean.....you don't tell people that you love how "dumb" they are how stupid they are etc.....you should be supportive....but I've dealt with that a lot over the years......especially in my work....i know what type of person I am....the people who matter know what type of person I am.......and I can't change the opinion of people who's thoughts about me don't matter in the grand scheme of things.....they're going to think what they want to....regardless of whether or not it's true..so be true to yourself....and don't settle for anythingless than what you deserve....

[Amiwrong in reply to mizzou7016]

it just confuses me. There’s many things about him that is really good for me. I think sometimes his delivery is terrible, but he means well. Other times I think he’s just being as ass.

[Sitaqui]

I have a similar situation. And I'm sensitive like you for the same reasons. Our solution so far has been that we ask the other to rephrase something. It helps and it's not just me asking for rephrase. But then the issue came up from him that he was bothered by how often i was asking for a rephrase. Long story short, I've been looking into healing my victim voice.

(Looking at how i was trained to feel as a victim- bc in childhood I was a victim but now as adult, i want to learn to see other non-victim perspectives. His comments understandably trigger the victim. Maybe also saying, "you need to stop talking to me that way." When he asks what way maybe say, "you're smart you can figure it out. If i tell u, u'll just dismiss it probably." Also, it helps when i ask if there's a question at times when he's making "observations.") And learning to speak up in the moment. Once he made a "cheeky" comment he called it. Instead of asking for rephrase i looked at how to rephrase my reply. I came up with a cheeky come back of my own that would've stopped his comment from getting under my skin.

I think your replies to him have been strong but maybe it'd help if you figured out a way to stop his comments (which can sound like judgemental put-downs) from getting any fuel... like re the tv shows: "it works for me" and for the suntan: "I'm fine as is".

[Amiwrong in reply to Sitaqui]

Yes! I want to get to that point where I can say those things, and feel it, believe it. I want to learn to stop feeling the victim (I didn’t realize that’s what was going on).

[Amiwrong in reply to Sitaqui]

Don’t add to his fuel, this is what I’ve been doing when we argue about things. He loves to be right all the time for some reason, and so he’s not backing down, and then I feel like I have to defend my point of view, and by doing so it just gets nowhere because no matter what, he’s not going to give up. It’s hard because if it has to do with mental health I know I’m right and it’s important to me to defend myself, my behaviour, or just mental health education in general. I mean he knows so little about mental health, why the heck is he arguing with me about it 🫤

[Sitaqui in reply to Amiwrong]

There's no need to defend yourself. Defending means you're engaging in and validating the "attack" vs letting him sit alone with his comments. And you could simply say, "I disagree " or maybe "you're so wrong." And a "cheeky" addition could be, "If you're ever open to learning, let me know. " 😎 Or say, "so that's what you think."

[Mofro]

My question would be does your boyfriend ever tell you anything about yourself that lifts your self-esteem or is it always something negative. If it's the latter, then it's time to look for different company. He will only continue to make your insecurities worse. Keeping it bottled up will just lead to a downward spiral, and you deserve more than that.

[Amiwrong in reply to Mofro]

Hi Mofro. Thank you for adding to my post. Yes, he compliments me on many things. Of course it’s the negative ones that my “body keeps the score”. Because the negative comments cause hurt that’s piling up it’s overshadowing the compliments right now. I know it isn’t ok, and there should be more respect maybe, but I’m not ready to give up. Though time will tell, as I get stronger.